Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Day 191 – “Spit in one hand, and wish in the other…”

Tonight I am writing on the phrase “Spit in one hand and wish in the other, and see which one you have the most in”. Some of you may have heard this phrase before but for those who haven’t, the basic meaning is that wishing for something is always less effective than doing something real – in this case spitting into one’s own hand – because one will find that the hand you spit in will always be filled before the hand you wish in.

This has been quite an interesting lesson for me – as I have definitely leaned more toward wishing and “simulating” in my mind the potential futures and outcomes and projecting my awareness way way way out into theoretical realms and then sitting back and waiting for my projected future to manifest before me instead of considering and allowing myself to do the most seemingly obvious thing – which is to work with what is HERE, practically, and SLOW DOWN and really get to know and participate with what is in my world instead of constantly holding out for the future that I was projecting and wishing and waiting for – the one where things have “worked out” and things were “in my favor” and I was already living and being and doing what I have idealized as my “fullest potential”.

But while all of this was going on, I actually slipped more and more into the routine of things and found that my “spark” for living and expressing and pushing andchallenging myself began to wane more and more until it all seemed like such a burden – such a heavy weight to break out of the habit of “going along until the next opportunity comes” – where it seemed anything other than going to work, coming home, tending to chores, going to sleep, and repeating the exact same the next day would take too much “effort”. It seemed like life was dull and boring and that I was just going through the motions – because, well, I WAS just going through the motions and was not participating in creating or expressing my living.

Now, because I allowed this “shift” within me where I essentially took a back seat and said “I’m sitting this one out, guys. Wake me up when things settle down and I can get back to my own plans.” – I actually began to really diminish and get “weaker” in terms of my self-directiveness and self-trust and more and more gave in to the habits and routine of a full time job and daily survival – and as this pattern became more and more what I actually lived and allowed day after day, indeed the more difficult it seemed to break out of it.

But eventually I came around to seeing that there really is no way “out” of whatever situation I am in – because the situation I am in is the situation I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in and thus become a part of – and therefore the only way to change things if I am not satisfied is to first take responsibility for what I have already created – and oh boy did I resist this!

It took a few rounds of this before I came to seeing the pattern – because every time I was about to plant myself down really start dealing with the nitty gritty details of my living – something new and exciting would come along – some new “once in a lifetime opportunity” that would promise to sweep me way from where I was and set me on the fast track to getting back to my idealized projected future and life, and that new project or work opportunity would become the new focus and center of my world for a moment until I realized that it was not going to just “happen” – that things in our physical time and space reality do not just quantumly fall into place without consistent effort – and that in the process of self-creation and facing one’s consequences there are no shortcuts and there are no exits because all things come back full circle to one’s starting point.

And so begrudgingly at first I began to slowly but surely STOP trying to run away from or seek quick fixes for the parts of my life and living where I was not satisfied and decided to wish and project for better things – and in no particular order the following changes began to happen:

Stopped whining/complaining about work and started to see difficulties at work as “challenges” to be met.

Stopped judging aspects of my job and my company and started to get to know it as part of the system that we are all currently bound to.

Became less impatient with coworkers and staff when presented with problems and tasks and started communicating with them more, understanding their concerns and issues and becoming better able to adapt to their needs and requests.

Stopped resisting and judging my boss and eventually became promoted into the company’s inner circle.

Have more financial stability now with new position and can finally move, find a new place, and upgrade to a better car (with air conditioning and an engine not on the verge of implosion) and start eating better quality food.

And the most surprising thing is – in the beginning I was in so much fear and insecurity and doubt. But as I more and more pushed myself to stand and simply work with what was relevant in the moment, taking things slowly point by point and asserting my responsibility more and more – the more and more I was in fact able to take on and handle and direct.

Here – the things that got me through were the constant communication with fellow destonians and my I Process buddy – and still seeing the same people I have known over the past years continuing and pushing even during times when I thought I couldn’t go on – the immense support of the EQAFE interviews, and the awareness and ability to look at things within practical self honesty that is a skill that one cannot ‘fake’ but must develop and train, but more than pays off for the effort one puts into it.

So now looking back, pushing and moving myself with what is here in my world now – using my job and my current environment as a platform, I am much closer now in real, physical practical terms to having what I had been previously only wishing and waiting for – and thus the lesson of “Spit in one hand and wish in the other” was one I walked and learned – and now share for those who may still be in the dark periods that come into our lives now and then or those who may feel ‘stuck’ and sick and tired of the same routine – the solution is self-movement and responsibility and taking a breath, forgiving oneself of any fears or projections or resistances or separation from what is currently in one’s world, and being willing to walk straight through the wall of resistance even (and especially) if you have no actual clue what may be on the other side – to realize that one WILL and MUST make mistakes, fail, and stumble initially – and chances are you are going to make an absolute fool of yourself - but the more one keeps at it, the more exponential one’s ability to take things on further becomes. I myself am realizing what a gift this has been, and would encourage all to gift themselves the same.