Saturday, August 9, 2014

Day 190 - Who's Afraid of Their Big, Bad Wolf?

One of the tendencies and “old tricks” I have become intimately aware of within myself is what I will now introduce as the personality/character of the “Big, Bad Wolf”.

Big Bad Wolf is what comes up whenever I am facing a difficulty or challenge that I have struggled with for an extensive amount of time – it comes in the disguise of selective memories, and will also go as far as speaking to me inside my own mind using my own voice – “reminding” me of how many times I have struggled and failed and how difficult it is and how much easier it would be to just give up, just give in, just “Not go there”.

And why would I listen? Why would I be afraid of such a character? Because the Big Bad Wolf knows the things that I suppress, the things that I am afraid of, the things I feel guilty and remorseful about, the things that I fear to let go of, the things that I still believe I cannot “live” without, and all the moments that I still remember that cause me pain or discomfort or cause me to lose faith and confidence in myself – namely all the things that I have NOT actually forgiven myself for. All of this is what feeds the Big Bad Wolf and the more I listen – the more I give in and accept the words of the Big Bad Wolf as my own and allow myself to really believe and accept that I am a “failure” or that it is “too late” or that I have done such consequential things that there is no “coming back” and that I don’t “deserve forgiveness”.

The consequence of listening to the Big Bad Wolf is that I would shift into waiting – waiting for the “coast to clear”, waiting for things to not be as challenging as they are now because, well, Big Bad Wolf tells me that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not clever enough. I mean – look at all the times I made mistakes last time! And so I would wait – wait for my job to be less stressful because surely eventually things will balance out. And I would wait on opening myself up to relationships and meeting people and building a network – because surely the “right people” will just come my way and I should just sit tight and not get attached to anything or anyone because I haven’t found the “right person” or the “right group” because Big Bad Wolf says so. And so I would just wait and wait – and things would just get more complicated, more convoluted, and everything would actually feel much heavier as my waiting was weighting everything down.

See that is one of the things about the Big Bad Wolf syndrome – it takes as “hostage” all the things that make me feel like crap and all the things that I suppress and do not want to face. It is not so much that the Big Bad Wolf itself is in any way scary – it is what is BEHIND the Big Bad Wolf that lends it its manipulative power – and it takes a WHOLE LOT OF ENERGY to keep suppressing and not facing things. It takes a whole new personality and character to emerge and be dominant and remain “active” in place of my own directive awareness.

So all of the energy that was required for me to spend month after month at the same job, hating the same things, reacting to the same things, getting irritated and frustrated and stressed out day in and day out – all of the energy required for me to constantly isolate myself and deliberately shut people out while I waited for the “right connection” and the “right people” and the “right circumstances” – and all of the energy required to go home and become even MORE reactive about my living situation and wanting an “out” from it all – yeah all of that energy came directly from my own physical body – it all came from the ONE PLACE where I actually needed to stand and substantiate myself – and so I would feel constantly “drained” and everything would “feel” quite heavy and things just seemed “too much” to change or direct in any lasting or purposeful way.

And here I am at this moment again – Big Bad Wolf right here with me, reminding me of all the times I would make statements and commitments to stand up and see something through only to have things come up in my world where I would get distracted or would end up giving up and giving in to one pressure or another – and so within me is the question “Well, what makes this any different? Why are you going to do NOW what you couldn’t do in all those previous times? What makes THIS TIME so special?”

And usually, I would let the Big Bad Wolf answer for me – and would sigh and slink back into my waiting and my fear – but tonight, in this moment at least, the answer is different. Why is this time not like the other times? Because this is the ONLY TIME THERE IS. This is the very cutting edge of time, and this is the only moment in which I as a human physical being can breathe and make a decision, and to also DECIDE that no matter how many breaths I have taken and how many other decisions I have made – this breath and this decision is what is here now, and who I am as well as how I choose to be defined by my past is ALSO for me to decide here, THIS TIME.

And this time does not mean I change in this moment and I am “done” and transcended – it means this time is one time – and the next time is another time – and each time after that is a new time – and one by one, one plus one, that is how I create myself through a decision.

I see and I realize thus that it is not about how many times I fell or how long I waited to stand back up again – but to in each moment the decision is here before me, to choose what is best – to choose the decision upon which my next decisions can in a way be built on, expanded on – to be ready, able, and willing to always choose what is best for all no matter what my past, my Big Bad Wolf, might say. It is a moment to moment, breath to breath commitment.

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone supporting myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-corrective application when I allowed myself to become possessed within points of judgment and guilt and shame about myself and my mistakes and failures, and within this to have not allowed myself to see until now that my past and my mistakes do not have to haunt me or cause me grief or fear – and that any energy attached to them that apparently makes me “feel” something is not in fact real and can be let go of, and becomes lighter and easier to let go of the more I stick to it and practice and develop my self-trust and self-authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be “hard on myself” when looking over my past and seeing where I had fallen and made mistakes and created negative consequences in my life and potentially the lives of others and yet within this to not until now see that being “hard on myself” is nothing but an experience for me to have in my mind and to “feel bad”, when the events that have happened in my past and the mistakes that I have made are done, and do not have “feelings”, and do not “care” one way or another whether or not I “feel bad” or that I punish myself by being hard on myself – and that the most practical and real way to work with my past mistakes and regrets is to, without further emotion or judgment, unconditionally do what it takes to correct myself, starting with what I can immediately work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see until now that when there is a challenge that appears too big and I react within fear and hesitation and feeling like I am all alone left to face this seemingly impossible wave before me, that I can rather look at what it is that I am fearing and resisting, forgive myself for the EXPERIENCE of resistance and fear, and rather look at the situation logistically – break it down in writing into smaller parts and where things are too complicated or massive, I break down even further to things that I can immediately work with – such as looking at where I can find more information, who I can call, who in my environment can assist, what materials are available to me readily – and simply START knowing that I am doing what I am able to do in the moment and anything else is a projection, is a fear, is a thought not based in reality because in reality I am already moving, already directing the point and thus can dismiss any thoughts to the contrary.


When and as I see/notice the experience of the Big Bad Wolf coming where I feel myself going into a resistance or feel myself go into a petrification/freezing/prolonged procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this is simply an experience and self-defense mechanism that I created and relied on to keep myself from facing that which I feared to face directly – and thus I can decide who I am and how I participate with this experience.

Therefore, I take this experience that I call the Big Bad Wolf and I turn it into an ally – I see the Big Bad Wolf experience within me and I see it as a helper, holding back a tide/crowd of things that I have not yet sorted, and is asking me “Okay, all of this is here. I will hold back anything you aren’t prepared for yet so that you are not overwhelmed. Now, how do you want to take this on? Which part should I let through now?”

I commit myself to utilize this shift as a crutch and as a point of self support to change my relationship to fear and the Big Bad Wolf syndrome of resistance until I stand and the point becomes me fully and entirely and such shifts and characterizations are not longer necessary because I have become the very point of my own “Big Bad Wolf” that will not back down again.

I commit myself to, when and as such moments of fear and resistance and not wanting to push myself through and remain consistent in my commitments and self-change, to bring it to the single moment, the cutting edge of time, and where necessary to utilize the “Big Bad Wolf” characterization as an ally, a moment to stabilize myself and see that no matter what I am always the one that breaths, and in each breath I make the decision of who I am, and in that decision I can always decide to be and do what is best for all, no matter what, regardless of any “experience” that tells me I can’t.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Day 189 - Coming Out of the Woods Again

Here a brief departure from the scheduled writing on my declaration of principles to take on some immediate “housekeeping” that is most relevant to what I am facing at this moment.

For some light context, many months ago some events occurred in my life that caused me to have to let go of many things that I had projected as “certainties” to be lived in the near future. When faced with the reality of a situation where things that I had planned and things that I had experienced myself as “sacrificing” for in order to “soon” be able to be in a better position, in a better living situation, in a better set of circumstances where I would then be more able to express and expand myself and no longer be “held back” by my immediate circumstances.

One of the consequences was that when things fell through – they REALLY FELL THROUGH – and it took me quite some time to get my footing stable again – which is interesting because it wasn’t like anything was physically or practically “wrong” with me. I was simply walking more in a projected dimension of a potential future that I wanted to create and experience for myself instead of ACTUALLY walking HERE in my actual, physical, day to day, moment to moment, breath by breath physical reality and thus when things in my projected future went *poof* and dissolved into the illusion that it already was – what remained was the consequence of having disregarded my health, my financial future, my relationship with my immediate circle of people, my co-workers, my participation and the quality of my expression with the people that I work with each day – so many things that I simply ignored because I had figured that all of this was temporary – all of this was a momentary uncomfortable patch that I had to “suffer through” because of mistakes I had made before – and that eventually, after I had “suffered enough”, I would be able to get “back on my feet”.

But as we know by now – when you know the starting point, you know how it is going to end – and that what you resist persists.

So in all that time of putting away money and planning and putting up with my world – my job, my unstable relationship with my mother, my tendency toward isolation (not recommended, by the way), my decline in physical health, my constant and daily frustration with work and with really all manners of my life that seemed to be “in the way” of what I really want to be doing – what I was missing was the most OBVIOUS point –which is that all of the things that I was just putting up with and not really directing were just getting worse and worse – and more intense and consequential – and yet I kept waiting and pining for the idea that eventually things will change and things will open up and that I would be “released” from what I have come to experience as the “burden” that had become my life and begin to start living and creating the kind of life that I have been wanting.

In my ego and self-interest I made judgments about all of those things – I judged them to be “lesser concerns” and that I had “greater work to do”. I judged these things as meager and temporary and should simply be cast off as easily and nonchalantly as one would toss out garbage. And boy, was that ever a short sighted decision on my part. 

So what I was having a lot of difficulty with for quite some time is the realization that I have indeed been selfish and self-centered in the way that I valued certain things as being more and better than others – and also in the way in which I judged so many things and so many people as being “inferior” – like “I can’t waste my time on them because they will never see, will never understand.” But really, I was isolating myself because the more I waited and pined for things to change and for me to finally have a “break” from the constant stress and anxiety and uncertainty I had been participating in for the past several months, the more I allowed myself to slip more and more… and more into my own backchat and separated myself more and more from my actual participation in my practical reality.

It took a while – and interestingly it took me breaking through bit by bit my tendency toward isolation and “lone wolf-ism” to reach out, open up, and allow myself to ask for support and be vulnerable and TRUST that people don’t judge my as much as I just myself to begin unwinding this bundle of tangles that I had weaved for myself.

So what I have to share in the coming blogs will be what I have actually walked and my continuing process of walking – having gone into quite the extreme polarity of negativity and uselessness and giving in and WAITING – to now beginning to embrace what is here, what I have created, and working WITH where I am with what I’ve got and realizing that – I’m actually NOT as terrible or incompetent as I made myself out to be and that I can actually start to DIRECT the position that I currently have in ways that I never considered before.

In the blogs to follow I will introduce the character/personality of the “Big Bad Wolf” and will also share more on my actual experience of feeling totally lost within the “evil” of my job and the things that I have done in the same of “survival” in the system – and how by sticking through it and walking with it I eventually found a point where I stopped judging it and began to see a much deeper picture of things – and how this has changed my view and perspective on the world system, money, and my relationship to it all - and how I learned within this that the things we most resist, most fear, most want to vilify - are often the very things that hold the key to our actual salvation and freedom.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 188 - Living Principles : Walking Alone, Together Part 1

I begin my series of Destonian Principle blogs with the 11th principle on my initial list of declarations because I see this is the point that is most relevant for me to share, clarify, and specify.

Principle 11: No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

Over the years, no matter how bad things got, no matter how my world seemed to turn “upside down” and “inside out” and things would all seem to come apart, there was one thing that had always remained constant – which was “awareness”.

Here, the awareness that I refer to comes with applying the tools of the Desteni process and living and applying the principles that have been shared over the years through the countless blogs, vlogs, forum discussions, recorded interviews, and the network of support from people all over the world walking their own experience of the same process.

This “awareness” is not just being awake or conscious – it is an awareness that comes from developing in intimacy with oneself, and through this intimacy “Into Me I see”, one begins to realize that there is no “turning back” when one has seen and realized beyond the shadow of a doubt that we are at all times responsible for our thoughts and our experience of ourselves and the effect that our acceptances and allowances has on other lives that we will encounter – and that we are responsible for the consequences of our words, our actions, our emotions and feelings, and even the very “presence” of who we are.

This awareness is absolutely unique to every individual – but in every individual the result is the same. Once you see into the real nitty gritty of yourself and have discovered what self-honesty really means, you can no longer really get away with the old excuses – and the more you try to resist or run away, the more intense your awareness actually gets.

This is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself over the years – the awareness and understanding that I really am here with myself, fully responsible for myself – and having realized and discovered that “myself” is NOT my mind or my thoughts or opinions – it becomes exponentially harder to continue going along with the “old” programming or to get away with the little white lies we have all told ourselves throughout the years that allowed us to remain ignorant of our responsibility to ourselves and to each other.

We are indeed the only ones who can walk through our own individual minds. We are the only ones who can do the “heavy lifting” within ourselves. We are the only ones who can muster up the courage to walk through our inner shadows and dare to forgive the things that we have hidden and suppressed and are ashamed about. 

But there is another part of this – a part that I myself need to work on – which is realizing that we really are all in this together, and that those of us who are walking this process are walking it individually, alone, by ourselves, facing the deepest and often ugliest parts of our natures – but this does not mean we are without support, without care, without others whom we can look to for assistance.

Looking back over the years I can say that it would have been in fact IMPOSSIBLE for me to have seen what I have seen or realized what I have realized without the help and assistance of those who are walking the very same process.

I have realized that we are all facing our consequences on this planet together – we are all facing the point of responsibility for who we are, what we have created, and how things got to where and how they are now – we are all here answering the question of who we are and who we now decide to be, and whether or not we can LIVE and make real our realization of responsibility – and in this everyone faces themselves in their own lives with as many different variations of problems, situations, limitations and fears as there are stars in the universe – and HERE is where it is necessary to keep in one’s awareness that it is NOT about comparing oneself to others, or feeling ashamed, or feeling better than others because we seem to have things more ‘under control’ than they do – because each and EVERY life is equal, and though the pains and struggles and difficulties faced by others can only be dealt with by others through their own personal process – we walk this process together, as one, unconditionally until all are equally free –that we can in any moment walk into the life of another and unconditionally trade places with them because THAT is the extent to which we care and regard ourselves and each other.

The process to that kind of freedom can only begin with self, and self is the only one who can free and release and change self – but it is not just for SELF that we walk this process – it is the first step to becoming an example that can stand in this world and say “I am here. I have proven that I walked my process unconditionally, and I am here to show you it can be done and walk with you until we are all free.” – I mean, that would be an amazing world we would be able to live in and share together and I would say it is well worth the initial struggles and dark times – especially when we know that while we walk our process alone and face our struggles alone – we do it together, for ourselves and each other, until it is done.

Ever since I began my process years ago – I have definitely faced long stretches of isolation and frustration and pain and loneliness – but the fact is I was NEVER actually alone. I was NEVER without support. I was NEVER actually “isolated” other than by my own design, when there were things that I required to face “alone” so to speak – support was always available. Even when I felt like a failure and the world was against me and that I had no hope of getting myself through – somebody was always here, walking with, standing with, unconditionally until it is done – and for that I am grateful in ways that words cannot adequately express.

And so I keep walking alone, together, and I commit myself to be and do for others what they have been and done for me so unconditionally over all these years. 

There is more on this point to follow. Stay tuned.