Here a brief departure from the scheduled writing on my declaration of principles to take on some immediate “housekeeping” that is most relevant to what I am facing at this moment.
For some light context, many months ago some events occurred in my life that caused me to have to let go of many things that I had projected as “certainties” to be lived in the near future. When faced with the reality of a situation where things that I had planned and things that I had experienced myself as “sacrificing” for in order to “soon” be able to be in a better position, in a better living situation, in a better set of circumstances where I would then be more able to express and expand myself and no longer be “held back” by my immediate circumstances.
One of the consequences was that when things fell through – they REALLY FELL THROUGH – and it took me quite some time to get my footing stable again – which is interesting because it wasn’t like anything was physically or practically “wrong” with me. I was simply walking more in a projected dimension of a potential future that I wanted to create and experience for myself instead of ACTUALLY walking HERE in my actual, physical, day to day, moment to moment, breath by breath physical reality and thus when things in my projected future went *poof* and dissolved into the illusion that it already was – what remained was the consequence of having disregarded my health, my financial future, my relationship with my immediate circle of people, my co-workers, my participation and the quality of my expression with the people that I work with each day – so many things that I simply ignored because I had figured that all of this was temporary – all of this was a momentary uncomfortable patch that I had to “suffer through” because of mistakes I had made before – and that eventually, after I had “suffered enough”, I would be able to get “back on my feet”.
But as we know by now – when you know the starting point, you know how it is going to end – and that what you resist persists.
So in all that time of putting away money and planning and putting up with my world – my job, my unstable relationship with my mother, my tendency toward isolation (not recommended, by the way), my decline in physical health, my constant and daily frustration with work and with really all manners of my life that seemed to be “in the way” of what I really want to be doing – what I was missing was the most OBVIOUS point –which is that all of the things that I was just putting up with and not really directing were just getting worse and worse – and more intense and consequential – and yet I kept waiting and pining for the idea that eventually things will change and things will open up and that I would be “released” from what I have come to experience as the “burden” that had become my life and begin to start living and creating the kind of life that I have been wanting.
In my ego and self-interest I made judgments about all of those things – I judged them to be “lesser concerns” and that I had “greater work to do”. I judged these things as meager and temporary and should simply be cast off as easily and nonchalantly as one would toss out garbage. And boy, was that ever a short sighted decision on my part.
So what I was having a lot of difficulty with for quite some time is the realization that I have indeed been selfish and self-centered in the way that I valued certain things as being more and better than others – and also in the way in which I judged so many things and so many people as being “inferior” – like “I can’t waste my time on them because they will never see, will never understand.” But really, I was isolating myself because the more I waited and pined for things to change and for me to finally have a “break” from the constant stress and anxiety and uncertainty I had been participating in for the past several months, the more I allowed myself to slip more and more… and more into my own backchat and separated myself more and more from my actual participation in my practical reality.
It took a while – and interestingly it took me breaking through bit by bit my tendency toward isolation and “lone wolf-ism” to reach out, open up, and allow myself to ask for support and be vulnerable and TRUST that people don’t judge my as much as I just myself to begin unwinding this bundle of tangles that I had weaved for myself.
So what I have to share in the coming blogs will be what I have actually walked and my continuing process of walking – having gone into quite the extreme polarity of negativity and uselessness and giving in and WAITING – to now beginning to embrace what is here, what I have created, and working WITH where I am with what I’ve got and realizing that – I’m actually NOT as terrible or incompetent as I made myself out to be and that I can actually start to DIRECT the position that I currently have in ways that I never considered before.
In the blogs to follow I will introduce the character/personality of the “Big Bad Wolf” and will also share more on my actual experience of feeling totally lost within the “evil” of my job and the things that I have done in the same of “survival” in the system – and how by sticking through it and walking with it I eventually found a point where I stopped judging it and began to see a much deeper picture of things – and how this has changed my view and perspective on the world system, money, and my relationship to it all - and how I learned within this that the things we most resist, most fear, most want to vilify - are often the very things that hold the key to our actual salvation and freedom.