Recently I was having a conversation with somebody and I brought up my experience of having “fallen” many times in my process – and here the person shared with me a very interesting insight which I have reflected on and will now share here.
What I gathered and saw within the person’s response to me speaking/sharing about my experience of having “fallen” many times in my process was that falling is an indication to us as to where we have not established our standing and where we can strengthen ourselves and prevent ourselves from falling again – and that in this it is not necessary to “drag them on as trophies” – meaning that it is not necessary to hold on to experiences or any self definitions of having “fallen” or to continue dragging those experiences on within ourselves while we are already in a process of learning and correcting ourselves.
The common sense here ‘struck’ me for a moment in how simple it really is – and the simplicity here was ‘striking’ because I realized how much I have allowed myself to be unnecessarily hard on myself and the habitual pattern of carrying and holding on to my past and my regrets and my fears – “dragging” my previous experiences of falling and in a way always holding back and not allowing myself to fully commit to new things in my life or fully embracing new opportunities because I was still holding on to my past and my previous experiences and seeing my previous “falls” as points that I need to “hold on to” and not let go of.
Now I am seeing and realizing how limiting and self-sabotaging this is because as long as I am still holding on to the past and my mistakes and my regrets, I will always have this extra “burden” to carry – and as long as I am carrying these old “trophies” that I have made more important to me than my actual physical reality, I will remain split between two worlds – the world that is here where I am alive in each breath and can direct myself in each moment, and the world of my “past” which also includes ideas and projections about my “future” which are based on my past which I am still “dragging” and in a way trying to “fix” – and as long as I am split between these two worlds I will not be able to fully stand within a point of commitment or change or responsibility because I have divided myself – divided my focus – which impairs my integrity and makes it very easy for me to become compromised – which in itself is self-sabotage because I am the only one who can allow for such divisions to exist within me.
Thus I am seeing and realizing that for me to really be able to commit and change and see a point through to its perfection and completion, I must change my relationship to my past and my “failures” – to stop fearing to face my failures or “falls” and to stop being afraid or too “proud” to admit that I have indeed made mistakes and fallen, and within this self-honesty allow myself to really explore who I was and how it was that I created such falls – and without judgment or punishing myself or holding myself to my past rather look at where I require to strengthen myself and where I require be more directive or more gentle or more patient or more diligent – and in this way I do not need to carry my past with me or judge myself or hold any grudges against myself or define myself by how many times I have “fucked up” – but rather dare to really forgive myself and in this forgiveness really STAND and ensure that I do not again allow myself or anyone in my world to fall within the same point – and in this way I become the very solution, the very forgiveness, the very living of the “lessons” that I have learned in my “falling” and thus can let such things go and no longer have to carry them within me.
In the post to follow I will be opening this up more within self-forgiveness and correcting my relationship/definition to “falling” and the character/personality of carrying my past falling and regrets as “trophies” instead of letting them go and supporting myself with practical change so I no longer have to fear the same mistakes happening again and thus can let such fears and past experiences go.
I will open up the specific points of :
Defining myself by my failures
Defining myself by my failures
My past experiences/failures as "trophies" or "battle scars"
Fearing to face situations where I may have to face my previous failures again
Holding back instead of directing myself within change/expansion
Not seeing how in expanding myself I am able to become more stable and responsible for myself
Defining myself by who I have been