Friday, October 2, 2015

Joe Kou MIXLR - Late Late Night Rantings of a Human

Mixlr Audiocast - Joe Kou : Late Late Night Rantings of a Human

Here is my first foray into live audio broadcasting, done at an ungodly hour of morning while I have had some things rattling in my mind and keeping me awake. This will be a launching point for more audio recordings to come as I familiarize myself with the Mixlr process.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Day 194 - Joe and the Great Big Scary Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Chapter 2

Day 194 - Joe and the Great Big Scary Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Chapter 2

 Here is where we left off from the previous chapter :

"So, I had the choice of moving up into a higher level of the company I was working for - where I had gotten comfortable and already knew much of the procedures and business model and developed relationships with people, but would be taking a slight pay cut with little room for growth, OR leave the company and take an offer from a former co-worker who had gone into a totally different business where I would be working 12 hour graveyard shifts but would potentially double my salary with room to grow, but no guarantee that I would be a good fit for the job.

So, how did I face this point and how did I come to a decision? Which points did I consider within my process of picking one position over the other?"
for the full chapter, see it HERE.

CHAPTER TWO - Making a Decision

In facing this choice there were some very interesting things that were coming up for me - and within me I experienced conflict for a few days while I found myself going back and forth between the two options with both sides seeming to have their own army of lobbyists in my mind. Back and forth went the internal conflict until I realized that there was only one reasonable and practical thing to do in a situation like this: To write it out and look at it without the energetic and emotional charges. 

In writing it out and really sitting down with it all I saw how, as things tend to be, deeper and more complex than it appeared on the surface. There were actually many layers of fears and doubts and anxieties behind each option, and in facing one dimension I was also facing all of the others in quantum time - where multiple layers and dimensions are brought through into one single moment right here, right now (See "Future of Consciousness: Quantum Time Compression" for explanation on how/why this is now occurring more frequently)

While there were multiple layers and dimension to the issue I will share here the two main themes that came through: 

On the one hand I was wanting to remain within the same line of work because I was already familiar with it and had already established some professional relationships with people, and it would allow me to remain employed with a decent enough salary and not have to step out of my comfort zone. It would also give me a bit of an ego boost because I would technically then be the "boss" of the boss I had been working for. 

The drawback here would be that I would not be making more money than what I was making, and would technically have more responsibilities - which I did not like because for a long time now one of my goals was to be able to earn more so that I can consider working less and going back to school, or at least if not going to school being able to save up money. 

On the other hand the second job offer would have a much higher earning potential nearly double what I had been making and would allow me to save up a good amount of money relatively quickly and may provide a way for me to be able to walk away and consider other options later on having saved up enough money to transition.

The drawback on the second option was that it would require me to work 13-14 hour graveyard (afternoon into early next morning) shifts, which effectively would prevent going to school and would be a job that would require that I step out of a lot of comfort zones and have to acclimate to a job that can be quite stressful and taxing as well as face the point of no longer being in a position of authority or management that I was used to. 

You may have spotted the common root that was lurking within both decisions - which is that the fear and resistance of stepping outside of my comfort zones was a central point: the point of not wanting to have to step beyond my comfort zone.

Realizations of Opportunity

So here is where the REAL decision comes. Because ultimately it was not so much about wanting to make the 'right' choice about which job to take or which working environment to be in - but rather the REAL decision was who I am and who I decide to be in the face of these two options, and which option I see would be the most practical and effective in terms of me directing and moving myself to achieve my fullest potential.

What I realized here was that there was in fact no "right" or "correct" choice here to not look at it in such a limited way. But rather to consider this a kind of "decision point" within my life that is asking the question : 

"Joe, in light of everything that has happened up to this moment, who do you decide to be and how will you engage or create yourself?".

Ah, now it begins to unfold more - and within this perspective of looking at the decision before me not as a 'test' to see if I get it right, but rather seeing it as a point of self-creation and direction I realized the following:
No matter which job I chose, I would have to face the point of not wanting to step outside of my comfort zone - and in order to address this of course I had to define and specify what this comfort zone is, and what I am allowing myself to fear which is keeping me dependent on remaining behind the comfort zone. 

For me, this comfort zone was about having to be vulnerable and open to new people, to new experiences, and to be willing to be humble with myself and take responsibility for my weaknesses while finding ways to better utilize my strengths. To in one moment be open to new things while also letting go of the old and having to take full responsibility for whatever comes.

Defining the Problem 

Rising up and facing new things head on is something that I have developed quite a resistance to throughout myself, as one of the main patterns that played out in my childhood and young adult life was that of feeling disempowered and having to 'make do' with compromising myself and protecting myself from the 'outside' which included anything new or anything that did not come from people that I depended on to make decisions for me such as my parents. 

For many years I developed layer after layer of defenses to essentially protect myself from the things I had not learned to address which over time became more and more automated - to a degree where such defenses became such a constant and consistent part of my decision making that I eventually stopped noticing it and simply determined that it is who I am and who I always was. Almost 'instinctively' I would create positions for myself where I would be 'safe' from having too much responsibility or having to take on new challenges and whenever I did find myself in a situation where I would have to step beyond those fears, I would immediately and conveniently create a way "out". 

And now within this moment of opportunity before me I began to see more clearly my role and responsibility within the decision I was about to make - do I allow my memories and my past experiences to define me? Do I continue to defend my limitations for fear of what challenges I may face beyond them? But perhaps most important: 

Do I accept and allow myself to believe that my comfort zone or my fears and limitations are concrete, unchangeable, and more substantial than the potential that I can be and become in regards to this decision before me?
And so from that starting point I looked again at the choices - 

To continue with a job that would not greatly contribute to my earning potential but would be comfortable and easy and allow me to accept a lesser version of my potential.

Or to unconditionally allow myself to face the new challenges as they come within the new position, understanding that I will have to face fears and doubts and to instead of judging myself when I run up against the walls of my comfort zone, rather see it as an opportunity to find ways to expand and step beyond it - to allow myself to attain a higher earning potential than I ever had before and with this to expand and be able to do more, contribute more, and come closer to reaching my utmost potential with the time that I have left - or at least having pushed myself to try and be willing to challenge and contest the walls of my self-limitations rather than giving in automatically. 

I chose the latter. And with it came new challenges and indeed the barriers of my comfort zone rose quickly to greet me. Though that is a story for another chapter.