One of the tendencies and “old tricks” I have become intimately aware of within myself is what I will now introduce as the personality/character of the “Big, Bad Wolf”.
Big Bad Wolf is what comes up whenever I am facing a difficulty or challenge that I have struggled with for an extensive amount of time – it comes in the disguise of selective memories, and will also go as far as speaking to me inside my own mind using my own voice – “reminding” me of how many times I have struggled and failed and how difficult it is and how much easier it would be to just give up, just give in, just “Not go there”.
And why would I listen? Why would I be afraid of such a character? Because the Big Bad Wolf knows the things that I suppress, the things that I am afraid of, the things I feel guilty and remorseful about, the things that I fear to let go of, the things that I still believe I cannot “live” without, and all the moments that I still remember that cause me pain or discomfort or cause me to lose faith and confidence in myself – namely all the things that I have NOT actually forgiven myself for. All of this is what feeds the Big Bad Wolf and the more I listen – the more I give in and accept the words of the Big Bad Wolf as my own and allow myself to really believe and accept that I am a “failure” or that it is “too late” or that I have done such consequential things that there is no “coming back” and that I don’t “deserve forgiveness”.
The consequence of listening to the Big Bad Wolf is that I would shift into waiting – waiting for the “coast to clear”, waiting for things to not be as challenging as they are now because, well, Big Bad Wolf tells me that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not clever enough. I mean – look at all the times I made mistakes last time! And so I would wait – wait for my job to be less stressful because surely eventually things will balance out. And I would wait on opening myself up to relationships and meeting people and building a network – because surely the “right people” will just come my way and I should just sit tight and not get attached to anything or anyone because I haven’t found the “right person” or the “right group” because Big Bad Wolf says so. And so I would just wait and wait – and things would just get more complicated, more convoluted, and everything would actually feel much heavier as my waiting was weighting everything down.
See that is one of the things about the Big Bad Wolf syndrome – it takes as “hostage” all the things that make me feel like crap and all the things that I suppress and do not want to face. It is not so much that the Big Bad Wolf itself is in any way scary – it is what is BEHIND the Big Bad Wolf that lends it its manipulative power – and it takes a WHOLE LOT OF ENERGY to keep suppressing and not facing things. It takes a whole new personality and character to emerge and be dominant and remain “active” in place of my own directive awareness.
So all of the energy that was required for me to spend month after month at the same job, hating the same things, reacting to the same things, getting irritated and frustrated and stressed out day in and day out – all of the energy required for me to constantly isolate myself and deliberately shut people out while I waited for the “right connection” and the “right people” and the “right circumstances” – and all of the energy required to go home and become even MORE reactive about my living situation and wanting an “out” from it all – yeah all of that energy came directly from my own physical body – it all came from the ONE PLACE where I actually needed to stand and substantiate myself – and so I would feel constantly “drained” and everything would “feel” quite heavy and things just seemed “too much” to change or direct in any lasting or purposeful way.
And here I am at this moment again – Big Bad Wolf right here with me, reminding me of all the times I would make statements and commitments to stand up and see something through only to have things come up in my world where I would get distracted or would end up giving up and giving in to one pressure or another – and so within me is the question “Well, what makes this any different? Why are you going to do NOW what you couldn’t do in all those previous times? What makes THIS TIME so special?”
And usually, I would let the Big Bad Wolf answer for me – and would sigh and slink back into my waiting and my fear – but tonight, in this moment at least, the answer is different. Why is this time not like the other times? Because this is the ONLY TIME THERE IS. This is the very cutting edge of time, and this is the only moment in which I as a human physical being can breathe and make a decision, and to also DECIDE that no matter how many breaths I have taken and how many other decisions I have made – this breath and this decision is what is here now, and who I am as well as how I choose to be defined by my past is ALSO for me to decide here, THIS TIME.
And this time does not mean I change in this moment and I am “done” and transcended – it means this time is one time – and the next time is another time – and each time after that is a new time – and one by one, one plus one, that is how I create myself through a decision.
I see and I realize thus that it is not about how many times I fell or how long I waited to stand back up again – but to in each moment the decision is here before me, to choose what is best – to choose the decision upon which my next decisions can in a way be built on, expanded on – to be ready, able, and willing to always choose what is best for all no matter what my past, my Big Bad Wolf, might say. It is a moment to moment, breath to breath commitment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone supporting myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-corrective application when I allowed myself to become possessed within points of judgment and guilt and shame about myself and my mistakes and failures, and within this to have not allowed myself to see until now that my past and my mistakes do not have to haunt me or cause me grief or fear – and that any energy attached to them that apparently makes me “feel” something is not in fact real and can be let go of, and becomes lighter and easier to let go of the more I stick to it and practice and develop my self-trust and self-authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be “hard on myself” when looking over my past and seeing where I had fallen and made mistakes and created negative consequences in my life and potentially the lives of others and yet within this to not until now see that being “hard on myself” is nothing but an experience for me to have in my mind and to “feel bad”, when the events that have happened in my past and the mistakes that I have made are done, and do not have “feelings”, and do not “care” one way or another whether or not I “feel bad” or that I punish myself by being hard on myself – and that the most practical and real way to work with my past mistakes and regrets is to, without further emotion or judgment, unconditionally do what it takes to correct myself, starting with what I can immediately work with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see until now that when there is a challenge that appears too big and I react within fear and hesitation and feeling like I am all alone left to face this seemingly impossible wave before me, that I can rather look at what it is that I am fearing and resisting, forgive myself for the EXPERIENCE of resistance and fear, and rather look at the situation logistically – break it down in writing into smaller parts and where things are too complicated or massive, I break down even further to things that I can immediately work with – such as looking at where I can find more information, who I can call, who in my environment can assist, what materials are available to me readily – and simply START knowing that I am doing what I am able to do in the moment and anything else is a projection, is a fear, is a thought not based in reality because in reality I am already moving, already directing the point and thus can dismiss any thoughts to the contrary.
When and as I see/notice the experience of the Big Bad Wolf coming where I feel myself going into a resistance or feel myself go into a petrification/freezing/prolonged procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this is simply an experience and self-defense mechanism that I created and relied on to keep myself from facing that which I feared to face directly – and thus I can decide who I am and how I participate with this experience.
Therefore, I take this experience that I call the Big Bad Wolf and I turn it into an ally – I see the Big Bad Wolf experience within me and I see it as a helper, holding back a tide/crowd of things that I have not yet sorted, and is asking me “Okay, all of this is here. I will hold back anything you aren’t prepared for yet so that you are not overwhelmed. Now, how do you want to take this on? Which part should I let through now?”
I commit myself to utilize this shift as a crutch and as a point of self support to change my relationship to fear and the Big Bad Wolf syndrome of resistance until I stand and the point becomes me fully and entirely and such shifts and characterizations are not longer necessary because I have become the very point of my own “Big Bad Wolf” that will not back down again.
I commit myself to, when and as such moments of fear and resistance and not wanting to push myself through and remain consistent in my commitments and self-change, to bring it to the single moment, the cutting edge of time, and where necessary to utilize the “Big Bad Wolf” characterization as an ally, a moment to stabilize myself and see that no matter what I am always the one that breaths, and in each breath I make the decision of who I am, and in that decision I can always decide to be and do what is best for all, no matter what, regardless of any “experience” that tells me I can’t.