Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Day 189 - Coming Out of the Woods Again

Here a brief departure from the scheduled writing on my declaration of principles to take on some immediate “housekeeping” that is most relevant to what I am facing at this moment.

For some light context, many months ago some events occurred in my life that caused me to have to let go of many things that I had projected as “certainties” to be lived in the near future. When faced with the reality of a situation where things that I had planned and things that I had experienced myself as “sacrificing” for in order to “soon” be able to be in a better position, in a better living situation, in a better set of circumstances where I would then be more able to express and expand myself and no longer be “held back” by my immediate circumstances.

One of the consequences was that when things fell through – they REALLY FELL THROUGH – and it took me quite some time to get my footing stable again – which is interesting because it wasn’t like anything was physically or practically “wrong” with me. I was simply walking more in a projected dimension of a potential future that I wanted to create and experience for myself instead of ACTUALLY walking HERE in my actual, physical, day to day, moment to moment, breath by breath physical reality and thus when things in my projected future went *poof* and dissolved into the illusion that it already was – what remained was the consequence of having disregarded my health, my financial future, my relationship with my immediate circle of people, my co-workers, my participation and the quality of my expression with the people that I work with each day – so many things that I simply ignored because I had figured that all of this was temporary – all of this was a momentary uncomfortable patch that I had to “suffer through” because of mistakes I had made before – and that eventually, after I had “suffered enough”, I would be able to get “back on my feet”.

But as we know by now – when you know the starting point, you know how it is going to end – and that what you resist persists.

So in all that time of putting away money and planning and putting up with my world – my job, my unstable relationship with my mother, my tendency toward isolation (not recommended, by the way), my decline in physical health, my constant and daily frustration with work and with really all manners of my life that seemed to be “in the way” of what I really want to be doing – what I was missing was the most OBVIOUS point –which is that all of the things that I was just putting up with and not really directing were just getting worse and worse – and more intense and consequential – and yet I kept waiting and pining for the idea that eventually things will change and things will open up and that I would be “released” from what I have come to experience as the “burden” that had become my life and begin to start living and creating the kind of life that I have been wanting.

In my ego and self-interest I made judgments about all of those things – I judged them to be “lesser concerns” and that I had “greater work to do”. I judged these things as meager and temporary and should simply be cast off as easily and nonchalantly as one would toss out garbage. And boy, was that ever a short sighted decision on my part. 

So what I was having a lot of difficulty with for quite some time is the realization that I have indeed been selfish and self-centered in the way that I valued certain things as being more and better than others – and also in the way in which I judged so many things and so many people as being “inferior” – like “I can’t waste my time on them because they will never see, will never understand.” But really, I was isolating myself because the more I waited and pined for things to change and for me to finally have a “break” from the constant stress and anxiety and uncertainty I had been participating in for the past several months, the more I allowed myself to slip more and more… and more into my own backchat and separated myself more and more from my actual participation in my practical reality.

It took a while – and interestingly it took me breaking through bit by bit my tendency toward isolation and “lone wolf-ism” to reach out, open up, and allow myself to ask for support and be vulnerable and TRUST that people don’t judge my as much as I just myself to begin unwinding this bundle of tangles that I had weaved for myself.

So what I have to share in the coming blogs will be what I have actually walked and my continuing process of walking – having gone into quite the extreme polarity of negativity and uselessness and giving in and WAITING – to now beginning to embrace what is here, what I have created, and working WITH where I am with what I’ve got and realizing that – I’m actually NOT as terrible or incompetent as I made myself out to be and that I can actually start to DIRECT the position that I currently have in ways that I never considered before.

In the blogs to follow I will introduce the character/personality of the “Big Bad Wolf” and will also share more on my actual experience of feeling totally lost within the “evil” of my job and the things that I have done in the same of “survival” in the system – and how by sticking through it and walking with it I eventually found a point where I stopped judging it and began to see a much deeper picture of things – and how this has changed my view and perspective on the world system, money, and my relationship to it all - and how I learned within this that the things we most resist, most fear, most want to vilify - are often the very things that hold the key to our actual salvation and freedom.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 188 - Living Principles : Walking Alone, Together Part 1

I begin my series of Destonian Principle blogs with the 11th principle on my initial list of declarations because I see this is the point that is most relevant for me to share, clarify, and specify.

Principle 11: No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

Over the years, no matter how bad things got, no matter how my world seemed to turn “upside down” and “inside out” and things would all seem to come apart, there was one thing that had always remained constant – which was “awareness”.

Here, the awareness that I refer to comes with applying the tools of the Desteni process and living and applying the principles that have been shared over the years through the countless blogs, vlogs, forum discussions, recorded interviews, and the network of support from people all over the world walking their own experience of the same process.

This “awareness” is not just being awake or conscious – it is an awareness that comes from developing in intimacy with oneself, and through this intimacy “Into Me I see”, one begins to realize that there is no “turning back” when one has seen and realized beyond the shadow of a doubt that we are at all times responsible for our thoughts and our experience of ourselves and the effect that our acceptances and allowances has on other lives that we will encounter – and that we are responsible for the consequences of our words, our actions, our emotions and feelings, and even the very “presence” of who we are.

This awareness is absolutely unique to every individual – but in every individual the result is the same. Once you see into the real nitty gritty of yourself and have discovered what self-honesty really means, you can no longer really get away with the old excuses – and the more you try to resist or run away, the more intense your awareness actually gets.

This is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself over the years – the awareness and understanding that I really am here with myself, fully responsible for myself – and having realized and discovered that “myself” is NOT my mind or my thoughts or opinions – it becomes exponentially harder to continue going along with the “old” programming or to get away with the little white lies we have all told ourselves throughout the years that allowed us to remain ignorant of our responsibility to ourselves and to each other.

We are indeed the only ones who can walk through our own individual minds. We are the only ones who can do the “heavy lifting” within ourselves. We are the only ones who can muster up the courage to walk through our inner shadows and dare to forgive the things that we have hidden and suppressed and are ashamed about. 

But there is another part of this – a part that I myself need to work on – which is realizing that we really are all in this together, and that those of us who are walking this process are walking it individually, alone, by ourselves, facing the deepest and often ugliest parts of our natures – but this does not mean we are without support, without care, without others whom we can look to for assistance.

Looking back over the years I can say that it would have been in fact IMPOSSIBLE for me to have seen what I have seen or realized what I have realized without the help and assistance of those who are walking the very same process.

I have realized that we are all facing our consequences on this planet together – we are all facing the point of responsibility for who we are, what we have created, and how things got to where and how they are now – we are all here answering the question of who we are and who we now decide to be, and whether or not we can LIVE and make real our realization of responsibility – and in this everyone faces themselves in their own lives with as many different variations of problems, situations, limitations and fears as there are stars in the universe – and HERE is where it is necessary to keep in one’s awareness that it is NOT about comparing oneself to others, or feeling ashamed, or feeling better than others because we seem to have things more ‘under control’ than they do – because each and EVERY life is equal, and though the pains and struggles and difficulties faced by others can only be dealt with by others through their own personal process – we walk this process together, as one, unconditionally until all are equally free –that we can in any moment walk into the life of another and unconditionally trade places with them because THAT is the extent to which we care and regard ourselves and each other.

The process to that kind of freedom can only begin with self, and self is the only one who can free and release and change self – but it is not just for SELF that we walk this process – it is the first step to becoming an example that can stand in this world and say “I am here. I have proven that I walked my process unconditionally, and I am here to show you it can be done and walk with you until we are all free.” – I mean, that would be an amazing world we would be able to live in and share together and I would say it is well worth the initial struggles and dark times – especially when we know that while we walk our process alone and face our struggles alone – we do it together, for ourselves and each other, until it is done.

Ever since I began my process years ago – I have definitely faced long stretches of isolation and frustration and pain and loneliness – but the fact is I was NEVER actually alone. I was NEVER without support. I was NEVER actually “isolated” other than by my own design, when there were things that I required to face “alone” so to speak – support was always available. Even when I felt like a failure and the world was against me and that I had no hope of getting myself through – somebody was always here, walking with, standing with, unconditionally until it is done – and for that I am grateful in ways that words cannot adequately express.

And so I keep walking alone, together, and I commit myself to be and do for others what they have been and done for me so unconditionally over all these years. 

There is more on this point to follow. Stay tuned.