Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 14: Relationships Part TWO - “I feel like SHIT for what I did in my last relationSHIT”


Day 14: Relationships Part TWO - “I feel like SHIT for what I did in my last relationSHIT”

Here I am continuing with what I opened up in the previous post regarding the surface points that I am able to see within my life that have lead me to going into relationships that were not in fact based on what is best for all and where I allowed compromise and self-interest to be the foundation of such relationships as well as carrying into those relationships points such as lack of self-intimacy and self-respect, not establishing myself within points that have to do with money, and not having developed my own ability to share myself and address the points that would come up as 'internal' conflicts which would then become conflicts that would play out in the actual relationship.

Here I will continue onto the next 'predominant' point that comes up within me as I walk this topic of 'relationships' and how I have lived them throughout myself – which is where I will feel like shit and become disgusted at myself and become resentful of myself and then go on a crusade as my ego to try to redeem myself or if failing to do so, go into a bout of self PITy where I dig myself into a pit of self-judgment and self-hatred which is really just a way for me to get energy and try to manipulate people in my world to pay attention to me and validate how 'hurt' my ego had become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter relationships from a starting point of wanting to become something greater and better through the relationship and not realizing the point that if who I am is not already complete and able to stand, then I would be entering into a relationship as an incomplete being, and the points where I have not supported myself effectively will be the eventual undoing of any relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak and incapable of standing alone and supporting myself and living a life that I am able to be satisfied with and within having accepted this belief within me, making decisions based on satisfying my limitations and settling and compromising myself for momentary pleasures and not developing the discipline to develop myself into and as the most effective being that I am able to be and become, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a 'back door' to not face my own sense of self-hatred and disappointment and attempt to elevate my ego through sex and energetic experiences of relationships that were never based on making an agreement with another being to live a life to the most effective and maximum potential of support and expression but rather be temporary bubbles within which I would hide myself from the reality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, at the end of a relationship, look back and only then see what I had indeed become and what I had indeed done to myself and to the partner that I was with and become disgusted with myself and feel as though I am forever doomed and will never be able to actually have a relationship that was supportive, intimate, and assisted me within my expression and development.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally the failures of my past relationship and to allow myself to give in to the self-hatred and self-disgust instead of supporting myself to see what I was doing and understanding how I created such experiences and realize that it is not in fact personal. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and beat myself up by replaying and holding on to moments within my past relationships where I experienced points of intimacy, affection, and closeness but did not allow myself to fully embrace and develop and instead sabotaged through spitefulness and not reciprocating what was shared with me due to fearing that I might lose this intimacy and affection and believing that I did not 'deserve' such points of intimacy or affection. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful with previous partners in moments when they would stand as a point of assistance or share a moment of vulnerability with me and to not in those moments stand and be the example of what I would like to experience from my partner, and to instead behave within spitefulness due to fearing to open up and fearing the very point of intimacy that was available in that moment of opportunity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and be angry at myself within believing that because I did not stand and embrace and develop those points of intimacy and sharing and moments of opportunity to truly 'bond' with and support my previous partners I have forever 'missed the opportunity' and should now just 'settle' for self-abuse - which is the very point that I as my ego and addiction to self-abuse had wanted all along to ensure that I do not actually stand up and accept myself and actually embrace intimacy and sharing and stopping my addiction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create layers upon layers of guilt for having 'missed my opportunities' in the moments where I was able to stop my backchat, change my acceptances, and in one moment push through my resistances and limitations to embrace that opportunity of change and intimacy with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and as my ego and wanting to maintain control and not have to face myself or the nature that I have become, fear and resist opening up and sharing these points and allowing myself to free myself from the past through self-forgiveness and practical self-application to stop existing as these patterns of self-abuse and dysfunctional relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire forgiveness from my previous partners and to want for them to 'pardon' me for what I had done and what I had become within those relationships and to be able to 'take back' the abuse that I had manifested within those relationships due to the abuse that I was accepting and allowing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I cannot be forgiven for the past as the consequences of my actions because to do so would be to undermine and completely miss the point of self-responsibility – because what I had done and become was in fact not acceptable and for me to be 'forgiven' by another would be for me to ask another to again compromise themselves and to again accept the abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because of who I have become and what I have done to the relationships I have had within my life, I will never be able to stand or re-establish a point of self-respect or self-acceptance and within this to then seek redemption as 'forgiveness' from my previous partners instead of standing up within and as my fear and doing what it takes to honor and respect the lessons of my past so that I become the actual, practical, living solution and living expression of 'forgiveness' where I take responsibility for myself and never again allow myself to participate in abuse and creating relationships of diminishment and pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my pain and suppress the conflicts within me and suppress the fears that I allow to control and limit me from being able to stand up and accept myself and respect myself in all ways and within this suppression attempt to find and create relationships based on satisfying my addictions and desires so that I do not have to actually face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to linger within 'feeling like shit' after a relationship and to go into long bouts of self judgment and self-deprecation instead of realizing that throughout my life I have been addicted to this point of feeling unworthy and hating myself and that this addiction has become 'me' in the way that I live and in the relationships I establish – thus what I am 'left with' after then ending of a relationship is all the points that I have been suppressing and not wanting to direct and take responsibility for, which I then experience as 'hell' and instead of supporting myself to stand from this point of 'hell', rather try to seek the next relationship or try to lose myself within work or entertainment as distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in cycles of entering relationships without fully considering the consequences and ensuring that I will be able to walk the rest of my life in total and complete trust and intimacy with this being and to instead 'settle' and 'compromise' for relationships that would offer me a temporary moment of hiding from the self-abuse that I have accumulated throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time within my mind trying to figure out 'what went wrong' and feeling disgusted at myself for being such a failure and allow myself to listen to my ego and further suppress myself and not share myself due to 'shame' and not wanting others to judge me when I am the only one able to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to memories and hopes that things might be able to work out and that maybe things can change with previous partners within a starting point of wanting to fix the past instead of supporting myself to 'fix' the self that had created and manifested those relationships and conflicts first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear previous partners developing and entering effective agreements and relationships because that would show me that the potential of that partner to be in an effective agreement and relationship was always there but did not manifest with me and therefore I am once again having to face 'me' in the equation of why the relationship failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and settle for that which leads to compromise and self-abuse and to then feel angry and disgusted with myself when I in fact was able to see from the very beginning the nature of the relationships I was entering and designing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent and judge my previous partners and yet expect for my previous partners to 'forgive me' which is an act of spitefulness and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold against my previous partners the 'mistakes' and the points of abuse that I experienced within the relationship and to within this hold a grudge against the other being instead of realizing that I am only projecting my own points and not allowing that other being to walk their process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse myself as well as the beings who have been my partners within holding on to memories and experiences as judgments and to not forgive and let go and restore the respect of myself and the previous partners as beings walking a process of change and realizing that none of it was ever personal and none of it was valid from the perspective of the other being doing anything to harm me – but rather to see that what I manifested and created as manifested consequences are a result of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and for me to reject, judge, or suppress these points will only keep me isolated in an alternate reality of the 'past' where I cannot change what happened instead of supporting myself to bring the point back to self and live my correction HERE where I am able to direct myself and ensure that I stop repeating the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partners must hate me, resent me, despise me, and will reject/shun me for what had occurred within our previous relationship instead of seeing that I am the one hating, resenting, despising, and rejecting/shunning me and projecting this onto the other being so that I do not have to take responsibility for how I experience myself and attempt to still blame the other while expecting for the 'other' to forgive and 'redeem' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on this point of sorting out my 'scars' and unresolved points of self-abuse and self-judgment within my previous failed relationships and within this to have accumulated backchat and cause further separation and dishonesty within me which has led me to further compromise myself within my world and within my ability to again stand up and sort myself out and move on to other tasks and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down and beat myself up which has been the very point of self-abuse and disrespect of myself that has led me to create relationships in which I would manifest abuse and disrespect that would always end in me becoming 'hurt' and angry with myself when the starting point was always self-abuse.

I see and realize that me feeling bad for what I did to another is actually me still remaining within ego and not taking the point fully back to myself and wanting to 'fix' the past instead of taking responsibility for myself and allowing myself the dignity and respect of restoring myself and correcting myself within my relationship with myself. Thus I do not allow myself to wallow and hang on to points such as 'missing' my previous partners, wanting to fix the past with previous partners, wanting to prove to previous partners that I am able to 'change' and that who I was and what I had done was not 'who I am', or attempting to redeem myself through yet another relationship.

I commit to walk through and as my 'past' and to not anymore hide the nature of me and the responsibility I have to sort myself out, clear out my past, direct the relationships in my world and ensure that at all times I stand in the best position possible to be and become that which is best for all, and to not accept anything as 'less than' the principle of that which is best for all.

I commit to letting go of the patterns and habits and personalities and fears that I have accumulated within myself throughout the years of my life so that I am able to re-establish and re-design me in accordance to the best possible version of me and to stand and share that best possible version of me within the relationships in my world.

I commit to forgiving myself, releasing myself, and stopping the accumulation of doubt, self-hatred, and self-compromise and realizing that I am a being walking a process and although I am not yet 'alive' as the directive principle of me that will be able to stand as what is best for all, I commit to preparing myself, readying myself, and letting go one by one the points in my life that do not 'match up' and are not aligned to the birthing of me as that which is best for all, and all of the points where I have fallen and have abused and have made decisions that have resulted in consequences of abuse, I face as my responsibility and forgive myself – understanding that I created that consequence to face myself – and is a 'gift' to myself to bring myself back here – thus the 'past' is my PRESENT and I will myself to accept such gifts in appreciation instead of dread.

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