Sunday, April 15, 2012

Day One - Exposing the Pattern of "Settling" and "Compromising"

Here I begin a new commitment within my process of changing the actual nature of 'me' as I take responsibility for myself and the patterns that I participate in within the realization that I am responsible for all that I think, say, and do and that my existence can and does have an influence within what is going on in our world.

The task here is to write and share my daily process and progress within taking responsibility for how I am living and how I am contributing to the world through what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me - meaning to apply myself within stopping any and all points that is not aligned to bringing about a world that is best for all.

What this means in terms of practicality and implementation is that I will detail the days of my process and expose and correct the points that I face as I walk my process of self-change and self preparation for the next 7 years.

What is fascinating here is that already the mind is wanting to 'shut down' and just 'not go there' - Already I am experiencing the familiar voice within me saying "No, don't do it! You're just gonna fail and become miserable"

Yet my question to myself and to anyone who may be hearing this inner voice would be - where exactly is this voice coming from and are those words the words that we as humanity will continue to allow ourselves to live and be directed by?

As I look back at my life and my experience of myself I see so many points where I simply allowed myself to give in to those voices - and to allow myself to settle for compromise and diminishment time and time again instead of realizing that my fears and resistances were not in fact real and that they were simply defense mechanisms that served the purpose of ensuring that I would never actually stand up and actually change, because that would require discipline and responsibility, which I believed I was not capable of - and even here I must ask myself the question how and where did I create such a belief?

Here as I make the decision to write and share my daily process for the next 7 years, what comes up is the point of 'dimensional shifting' where I am already projecting myself into future scenarios within my mind, where I am thinking about what it would be like if I actually do this, and then going into the polarity of what would happen if I fail, and then creating ideas and pictures about those scenarios instead of deleting such thoughts immediately and bringing myself back HERE to the point of actual, physical participation.

So the first point/pattern that I take responsibility for as my 'inaugural' post in what will be my 7 - year commitment, is the point of allowing myself to 'settle' for the pictures and ideals that I create in my mind instead of doing what it takes to make those 'pictures' a reality, and also the point of placing value in those pictures and becoming disappointed and angry with myself if I am not able to immediately become that picture - not taking into consideration at all the process required for things to manifest in this reality or the fact that quantum time does not apply in our physical world, and that any idea of myself that is based on the quantum time of the mind and my own self-interest will simply 'fall' because the starting point was not in any way practical or effective.

The way that I have most often allowed this pattern of compromise and 'settling' for a picture would be, when taking on a task and making a commitment, I will initially direct myself within a point of 'enthusiasm' within having formed picture ideas in my mind about how great it would be if I could actually do what I set out to do and actually become that which I would like to become - and would within this enthusiasm create more picture ideas and future projections within my mind.

What ends up happening would be I would get to a point of resistance or challenge within the task or commitment that I took on and suddenly the enthusiasm is gone and I am faced with a point where I must actually change and expand myself to be able to continue doing what I had initially set out to do, and here is where the pattern/design of compromise and 'settling' comes into play - where I would give up on doing the necessary work and develop the required skills to make my decision a living reality and would simply lose myself in pictures and ideas as 'nostalgia' of 'what could have been' and simply drown myself in the sea of my expectations as I would go into bouts of depression and self judgment as methods to further distract and manipulate myself to simply lock myself down as those experiences of sadness and regret instead of standing back up immediately and pushing forward and not giving up.

So here I begin with self forgiveness first on my past and this pattern of settling for experiences within my mind as nostalgia and regret instead of realizing that I am HERE and the moment of change is HERE -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'console' myself by indulging in emotions and 'nostalgia' in my mind when looking at the points in my life where I allowed myself to give up and listen to the voice of self-doubt instead of willing myself to stand and do whatever was necessary to stand by and as my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be ineffective and unable to actually achieve the things I would like to achieve and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as 'nostalgia' and memories and experiences within my mind within accepting those memories and experiences as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and undermine my own self-directive will each time I allowed myself to give in to resistance and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experiences and emotions and 'gut feelings' greater and more real than who I am as life, as self-movement and self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experiences and memories and thoughts a 'priority' within my living application instead of aligning my priorities with principles which I can stand by which will ensure that I become the greatest possible expression of me in my life and to live in such a way that supports the emergence of a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for pictures and thoughts and self-created experiences within my mind instead of letting that go and realizing that I am still HERE and that as long as I am still here I am responsible for myself and for the world that I am creating through the patterns and habits and ideas/beliefs that I am participating in and allowing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own past and to allow resistance to determine who I am within my relationship with myself and how I will direct myself in each moment.

I stop. When and as I see myself participating in the pattern of 'settling' for pictures and ideas and experiences and 'what ifs' and 'if only I could have' - I do not allow myself to further participate and I will myself to bring myself back HERE in the realization that self-creation is a process that is only able to be walked in real-time, and that the corrections and realizations must be done in real-time - thus whenever I participate in nostalgia or thoughts/fantasies about the past or projected futures I am actually robbing myself of and denying myself access to the greatest gift that is here in this reality - the gift of the PHYSICAL and the opportunity to change me by changing my participation and relationship with the physical.

Thus I stop myself and walk my correction and do not look back again and each and every time I catch myself I stand again until it is done.

So this begins the first 'chapter' in my process of daily writing and exposing the patterns that I as the system I have allowed myself to become, have been existing as - so that as I assist and support myself within my writing and self-forgiveness and self-correction stop the dishonesty and diminishment within myself.

I commit and dedicate myself to this walking of self responsibility for the next seven years as I take my life within my hands one point - one day - one breath at a time.

1 comment:

  1. cool!! can definitely relate to this, thanks for sharing! awesome!