Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Day 15 : No Such Thing As Fucking Up Just "MY" Life - Part ONE


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be self-honest with myself and face the fact that I have become angry and spiteful towards all of life because I have become angry and spiteful toward myself and have not taken any real responsibility to sort myself out or to care about myself enough to fully stand up and stop accepting the limitation and self-abuse which I had become addicted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with the fact that I have been spiteful, manipulative, and 'evil' within me and within the relationships I have had in my world where due to the extent to which I had abdicated my own point of caring about myself as life, I extensively abused, manipulated, and deceived others because I regarded 'others' with the same disdain and disrespect that I had for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was being 'noble' within taking on suffering and deliberate abuse within me and allowing me to remain in abusive situations or circumstances where I would constantly compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, never question my addiction to pain and self abuse or consider the kind of stress and pain I have been putting my physical body through as I indulged in the energetic experiences of self-hatred and self-loathing at the expense of me as life, and within this act of absolute self-interest and addiction to experiences within my mind completely disregard that which gives me life unconditionally – the physical substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest and create a physical body that is not the most optimum and efficient expression that I was capable of manifesting within my life and to have layered within and as myphysical body countless experiences, memories, and self-judgments that were always self-abusive or spiteful and to allow myself to carry this as my 'essence' and my actual 'nature' which I attempted to hide from the world, again within spitefulness and believing that it was my 'right' to enjoy my suffering even if it affects the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing and realizing the extent to which I have existed within self-abuse and self-diminishment where I simply didn't give a single fuck about my life or about the world and became fully addicted to having 'experiences' within my mind and escaping the reality of this world in favor of distractions and hobbies that would allow me to create alternate realities and alternate worlds within my mind that I would escape into, of which porn /masturbation, video games, and backchatting within my mind were the most prominent means of my escape from reality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT allowed myself to see and consider the point that who I am and what I am living is at all times an example to the rest of existence as to what I will accept as a creator of this existence and that it is not my 'right' to abuse myself and to exist within diminishment and self-hatred because it is not just affecting me and my 'private' and 'personal' addiction to energy and self-hatred – it is actually me living as the example to others within this physical reality and all of the beings who may be affected by my acceptances and allowances I am in every way responsible for because I was able to stop and change my starting point of living and let go of the addiction to self-abuse but 'decided not to' within self-rightousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as long as I am making myself the victim and holding in the pain and self-abuse that I inflict upon myself in all of the moments where I had the opportunity to stand up and change and embrace a new version of me that would be an expansion of self but spitefully rejected it and instead turned within myself and tormented myself in 'silence' to the outside world but full of hatred and self-abuse within me as my backchat, that I was being 'honorable' and 'noble'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is in any way acceptable to allow even one ounce of self-abuse to exist within me because I am in that very action condoning and accepting all abuse within this existence because I had made the decision that my experiences and my addiction to feeling 'noble' and defining myself within and as self-diminishment and pain meant more to me than actually standing up for and as life to not accept within me or anyone ANY abuse whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within designing myself to be isolationist and accepting my idea of myself as simply being a 'loner' that will never be understood or accepted, to program and sabotage myself and all moments of opportunity that I have had to stand up not only for myself but for the rest of this existence as myself and to NOT realize that this is not about 'me' and 'my' preferences – this is realizing the extent to which I have, as a creator of this reality, manifested and accepted intolerable abuse for the sake of my own edification and self-glorification as the 'god' of my internal experience of 'nobility'.

Artwork by Joe Kou
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself imperfection and diminishment within the belief that it is 'my choice' to determine who I want to experience me and to not consider how my 'choice' affects the entirety of this existence as myself, believing that it was acceptable for me to abdicate any and all responsibility of me to stand always as the expression that is best for all and will bring forth a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander and waste precious moments of my life here on earth within failure, regret, emotions, reactions, feelings, and dwelling on the past as a way to forever ensure that I define myself as my failures and never actually forgive myself, let go, and realize that dwelling in the past and self-flagellation is not acceptable and is the very suppression of, enslavement of, and disregard of all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist standing up and insisting in all ways that I be an example of what is best for all life within fearing to 'fail' which is only a defense of the ego which refuses to realize it's responsibility to and towards creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my addiction to failure and self-loathing, deliberately sabotage myself and undermine any starting point that would have allowed me to break through the pattern of diminishment and stand up as an example of change within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in patterns of thought as my backchat and my 'secret mind' that has led me to create and become addicted to constant internal friction and conflict, constant fear and anxiety, constant self-hatred and self-diminishment, and to splinter myself into warring factions within the mind each arguing for it's own supremacy and 'right' to exist at the expense of others, never in fact taking into consideration the war that I was manifesting and waging that has caused me to develop into a being that is not currently best for all and is currently an example of self-separation and diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make myself feel better, to cope, and to suppress my self-honesty within facing the point of me as creator and the responsibility that I have, and always had, to STOP what is going on within me and let go of my addiction to abuse and diminishment and to attempt to live a 'normal life' within getting a job, making money, entertaining myself in my 'off time', and numbing myself to the actual extent of suffering and abuse in the world as long as I was able to maintain my personal 'heaven' of personal 'hell' – where as long as I was able to revel in the energy of self-hatred, I was willing to accept and condone any and all atrocity within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to and accept as 'me' the nastiness and spitefulness of my addiction to self-hatred instead of realizing that this is simply a system manifestation meant to keep me in constant cycles of mind energy so that I never in fact see the reality of what I am doing or take responsibility to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and deliberately ruin the opportunities within my life wherein I was faced with myself and the consequences of my life but instead of embracing my responsibility I became spiteful and deceitful in trying to lie to myself and manipulate myself into believing it was alright to continue existing the way that I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and hold on to that which will only diminish, disregard, and destroy life and to NOT realize that the person that I have been existing as cannot in any way stand within what is best for all and therefore must be stopped, must be laid to rest, never to return to the living flesh again so that life may finally stop suffering and enduring the senseless addiction to abuse and madness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to continue existing as this 'person' which is only a collection of thoughts, pictures, memories, definitions, and data that has been arranged in such a manner to produce the effect and illusion of a 'life' that was never in fact real or substantial in any way.

I commit myself to stand within and as this realization and to walk my commitment to stopping my self-abuse and the pattern of self-hatred so that I am able to eventually end, once and for all, that which I have allowed to limit and suppress me and prevent me from standing as an example of what is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe and stand through the 'birthing pains' as I correct myself and align myself within and as what is best for all and one by one remove all that has defined me and enslaved me within and as the mind and only reinforces relationships based on enslavement, realizing that this will require a real-time dedication to walk through the relationships and patterns within my life and as I walk there will be conflict that comes with change – and there will be moments of challenge and difficulty as I die as the 'person' and birth myself as life and walk into and as the unknown.

I commit myself to face the fears and resistances and realize that these fears and resistances are the final breaths of a being that is not welcome in this physical reality and must be laid to rest so that it end it's own suffering and existence of addiction, and ensure that this being no longer harms itself or others within it's madness – that these fears and resistances are not who I am as life and are an indication that I am walking the point of correction and that the total change of me as the statement of who I am and what I will and will not accept into eternity is only a single breath away.

I commit myself to walking my correction and rebirth of myself point by point and ensuring that each point of self-interest and self-abuse I remove is removed forever and will not come back again because that is the kind of world that I will myself to create – and will accept nothing less than a world that will no longer accept or allow abuse to exist in any way into eternity and thus establish LIFE for REAL.

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