Here I am opening up the point about 'decisions' and how often I find myself trying to figure something out and trying to get all the possible answers through thinking and analyzing over and over within my mind instead of realizing that if I am not one and equal with the totality of my mind in all of it's components, then any decision or conclusion or "What If" scenario that comes from the mind that is accepted as 'my decision' or as 'truth' or 'reason' is the same as taking advice from strangers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how my decisions, opinions, reactions, and self-beliefs are all able to be specifically and mathematically equated – and that I am able to actually work out in absolute detail how it is that I may arrive upon certain decisions and how I will, unless a certain factor or input is changed within the equation of me, continue to make the absolute same decisions and actions over and over again while simultaneously blinding myself and convincing myself that the decision that I am making in that moment is actually a real decision – when it is and always has been a mathematically equatable conclusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the idea and illusion that apparently since I have 'always' been who I am and that I have 'always' made decisions for myself based simply on what I think is best, then it is safe to assume that I will always make the 'best' decision for myself – and that I am so 'good' at doing this that I don't even really put much effort into it – and my 'decisions' simply 'come to me' in the form of gut instincts, reactions and of course memories – which I use as my 'inputs' while I calculate in quantum time the various equations that will always produce the end result of an 'answer' or a 'conclusion' that I will simply then take and accept as being 'my answer' and 'my conclusion' even though I was NOT in fact aware of the calculations or the factors that went into those equations and what rules and assumptions played a part in that 'decision' being made on my behalf.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and be self-honest with myself in terms of realizing that if my decisions and actions are able to be so specifically equated, then this shows quite clearly that I am not in fact 'alive' or 'expressing myself' or utilizing any actual form of 'free will' in my decision making because all of my decisions are, in essence, already made – based on the nature of information and equations that I am operating with – and when I am not standing one and equal to those equations and when I allow any part of the equation of me to be in misalignment – then my decisions will always be affected and influenced by that misalignment and instead of seeing it for what it is, I will likely take that point personally, and will simply say to myself 'that is the decision I am making. I might not like it and it may not really make sense and it does not seem like the best thing I am able to do, but that is the conclusion that I have arrived at”, and from that very acceptance and allowance I have abdicated myself completely and have shown that I am not yet able to be trusted with making decisions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'making decisions' as a complex and complicated process where I run through all manner of game theory and hypothetical simulation within myself and will utilize my memories, experiences, and accumulated knowledge as well as assumptions and beliefs along with any emotional or feeling charges that I have associated to certain memories/experiences/desires in order to produce a 'decision' that is 'best' according to my conclusion – when the utter simplicity of a decision completely eludes me because I am not slowing myself down to see and realize that a decision is simply HERE in each breath – that in each breath the full context and 'situation' of this reality is ALREADY HERE and nothing requires to be calculated or 'figured out' – that the actual decision is whether I trust what is already HERE and does not require in any way that I figure it out before it is able to be HERE, or do I place my trust in that which is NOT in fact here but is only a 'result' and a 'product' of the mind which does not in fact include everything within it's calculations the way the the physical reality that is here is able to do instantly and fully without any compromise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the apparent 'decisions' and the internal conversations and backchat within me are 'important' and that I require to keep my internal analytical ability 'sharp' by constantly participating in 'game theory' within my mind because I believe that my mind is able to calculate and compute and take each and every point into full consideration better than the ability of the physical reality to instantly, consistently, calculate, manifest, and present the totality of this existence down to every single dimension and detail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not 'understanding everything' and that my knowledge and information is insufficient for me to come to decisions, conclusions, and answers that will enable me to be effective in this world – because I have NOT seen/realize/understood that the ability of the mind to process information is extremely limited – which has been compounded many times over throughout generations of institutionalized education, religion, and family dynamics that in no way actually supports the development of actually understanding the technology and functioning of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the information that I have stored and accumulated within me as well as the accumulated feelings, emotions, self-beliefs, and 'life experiences' are in and of themselves able to actually produce any result or conclusion that takes all points of existence into equal consideration and to allow my decisions – and therefore my living – to be equal only to the nature of my mind and not equal with the physical reality that is here.
I commit myself to, when and as I realize that I have gotten myself 'lost' and 'confused' that it is simply an illusion that is created by not actually standing one and equal with the knowledge and information that I am allowing myself to be directed and influenced by, and to in such moments restore myself by breathing and realizing that there is NOTHING that I require to figure out and this is NOTHING that is in fact 'hidden' - because it is all RIGHT HERE and whatever it is that I am not allowing myself to simply see is not in fact 'hidden' or 'deleted' - I am simply not allowing myself to realize that what I am attempting to hide is already right HERE at all times, manifest as me, as this world, as this reality, and I am only trying to hide from myself.
I commit myself to slowing myself down and supporting myself within letting go of the thoughts and memories and experiences that have become the library from which I take reference material in order to come to conclusions and decisions about what I believe and assume life is, and who I think I am within it, so that as I let go of and remove the knowledge and information that I have stored not only mentally but also physically within and as my very body, I slowly but surely return myself HERE and align myself – my decisions – my living application – to the simplicity of what is HERE, where all possible calculations are already “DONE” and all factors are actually taken into account – and to show myself and others that there is NO model or simulation that can show us more about who we are or what this world and reality is – than this actual world and this actual reality itself.