Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Day 100 - The Lie of "My Future Is Going to SUCK"





Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -

Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"
Day 100 - The Lie of "My Hands Are Tied"  (TONIGHT'S WRITING)

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Here is the continuation of walking through the fears/pictures related to me answering the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

Fears (Pictures) 

Seeing myself stuck 'for years' doing the same thing just because there is no other option for me.

Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and life the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.

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Tonight I am walking the point of :

Seeing myself stuck 'for years' doing the same thing just because there is no other option for me.  

Okay - so firstly the thought/image of me seeing myself as being stuck 'for years' has already been touched upon in a previous post - Day 98 - The Lie of "I am STUCK and Can't UNSTICK Myself" so I will not go into this particular point in detail again, but rather will open up the points that are relevant to this particular thought/image -


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create not only an alternate reality/illusion of myself being 'stuck at my job', but to also within this create an alternate span of time that does not in fact exist, where I project myself into a reality where for many years I am STILL "stuck" facing the same issues and same problems - which is an indication of what I am already accepting and allowing within myself if I do not in fact stop and change my participation HERE and NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be spending many years not moving myself or expanding myself or resolving the issues/conflicts/frictions that I am now facing in my world as though the fear will in any way assist or support me in developing and implementing an actual solution to my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize the self-created fear of being 'stuck for years' by projecting that it will be many 'years' of time that will go by, and already within this setting myself up to fear time and to exist in a relationship towards time that is not actually real or in any way supportive - because if I allow myself to be influenced by my fear of potentially being 'stuck' for many years, then by that logic I should just NOW give up and 'save myself the time' that I have already projected myself as 'wasting' - which is simply a trick to get myself to give up NOW because I have projected my own failure into an imaginary future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with the additional point of "there is no other option for me" as though this is in any way quantifiable or valid, as the options that I actually in fact have available to me are various - and it is only a matter of aligning myself accordingly, moving myself, and directing myself effectively.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the conflicts and issues that I face now and to create a relationship towards those experiences where the fears and anxieties and backchat will 'talk to me' within myself as experiences of impending doom or projections of future struggle, thus NOT see and realize that as long as I keep separating myself from my own experiences and from self-responsibility and self-honesty within such 'experiences', then it will always seem like the world is 'out to get me' and will never actually suspect that I am only feeding my own fear and paranoia and deliberately isolate myself from living and applying real solutions because I would always be busy 'dealing' and 'coping' with the problem as though it is coming from 'outside' of me.
 

I stop. I delete and remove this picture of myself putting up with 'years' of the same conflicts and frictions and 'dealing with' the same problems as a way to scare myself into not simply looking at my situation practically, assessing what is effective and what is not, and what I am able to do and adjust within my living participation so that I direct the points that are not working.

I commit myself to PROVE to myself that the LIE of "there is no other option for me" does not control or dictate what is possible within my life - and that when I notice this thought coming up within me, I will rather investigate what it is that I am still holding on to and not wanting to let go of, or confront, or take responsibility for and stand equal to - because the LIE of "there is no other option" is simply me justifying and excusing and hiding an aspect of myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see that my current living is not aligned practically in a way that assists and supports me to be and become the greatest possible version of me in this life, that my living is an actual expression and reflection of my understanding of and commitment to what is best for all life, to NOT go into any kind of panic or self-judgment or project myself into future scenarios where I have already given up on myself and thus preparing the way for me to 'accept' a lesser version of me, a lesser version of life - simply because I allowed fear to override my commitment to self and thus back myself into a corner instead of walking through my fears and resistances and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application where the way 'forward' is unclear and blocked by the fog of fear or uncertainty - which are actually just points of self-interest that I have not self-forgiven or fully understood.

Thus - when and as I see/notice myself saying "I have no other options" or "My hands are tied" when seeing that there is a point in my life that I require to change or direct - I STOP and do what is necessary to untie my hands instead of bracing myself for the worst and planning for a 'future' in which I never use my hands again lol 

In my next post I will continue with the last part of the fear/picture dimension of this point as I walk the fear/picture of -

"Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and life the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me."

Yeah, that one sounds like a doozy .... to be continued!

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