Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day 101 - The Lie of "I May As Well Just Quit"




Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -

Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 
Day 101 - The Lie of "I May As Well Just Quit" (TONIGHT'S WRITING)
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Here is the continuation of walking through the fears/pictures related to me answering the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

Fears (Pictures) 

Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and live the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.

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Tonight I will be walking the point of "Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and live the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me."


An interesting point here in the first line "Fuck it... I might as well just join them"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take into consideration that anytime my starting point is accompanied with a "Fuck it", the it is an indication that my decision to give up was not based on actually seeing what is best or having a clear starting point - because if it is in fact best that I let go of a certain path and for a moment align myself with a different approach because that would be more practical and in the long run would be a stronger position for myself in this world, then there is no energetic charge or anger necessary and would simply be a point of re-adjustment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see how within the statement "Fuck it..." I am actually convincing myself to give up based on emotional reactions and experiences instead of making a decision based on actual clarity.... so the very statement of "Fuck it... I might as well just join them" is actually a statement of me preparing myself to give up and NOT take responsibility for my reactions and internal conflicts, and to rather allow the reactions and internal conflicts dictate my decision - which will always favor self-interest and will always place me at a position in which I compromise that which is best for all in favor of that which only considers my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately allow myself to remain unclear within my decisions and commitments and thus allow myself to set myself up for self-sabotage where I will intentionally hold myself back and not actually participate fully and direct myself fully, so that when I manifest problems and conflicts within my world and my relationships, I can then say "fuck it... I may as well just give up."

This is a point that I have just recently written about - which is the "Whiner" tactic where I will whine and complain and deliberately NOT get myself clear within my starting point and my self-commitments, and will constantly and continuously whine and complain within my mind about why things are just 'not working' even though I am 'doing my best' - and to blame the lack of progress or results as a way to justify me 'quitting' and 'giving up' even though my self-commitment was not clear in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because I am not experiencing instant results, that it means what I am doing is 'not working' or 'not going to work', when it is in fact my starting point and my own self-agreement and self-commitment that I require to clarify and solidify - because if my starting point is NOT clear and absolute then I will continue to manifest conflicts and frictions in my world as 'reminders' of that which I am not taking self-responsibility for.

I commit myself to STOP this pattern of not allowing or trusting myself within absolutely dedicating myself within points of commitment that require self-discipline and consistency that must be established and tested PROVEN over time. Thus when and as I see/notice myself becoming angry or frustrated with myself and wanting to just throw my arms into the air and say "fuck it... it's not going to work anyway. I might as well just give up entirely", I instead STOP and I do NOT allow myself to make any decisions from that starting-point. Instead I re-assess the point and clear up any fears or reactions that I am not practically facing and thus wanting to 'give up' so that I do not in fact change or face myself. Rather, if I see a point is not working and requires direction, to support myself by writing out the point, cross referencing the information that I am working with, and then aligning myself within what is in fact best and will be the most practical point in assisting and supporting myself in a way that reflects and expresses my self-responsibility and commitment.

Thus it is not about going into an emotional state and throwing my arms into the air and saying "Fuck it all" and thus giving up on myself and my commitments in order to 'join the others' from a point of self-defeat and manipulation, or to give in to my own points of self-interest within NOT wanting to actually follow through on a point of self-change. Rather, I take into consideration what is here, take into consideration the process that I am walking, and I do what is practically necessary - whether that means I change and let go of trying to forge ahead on a particular path so that I can align and adjust to the context of my situation, or it means that I require to stand up within a point of conflict directly and realize that I must let go of my own fears and comfort zones and step through the storms that may arise in my commitment of self-change - such that in either case my starting point is not a giving up or a giving in, but a WALKING of self that is not coming from a point of self judgment or fear.

In my next post I will be walking more of dimensions of this point -

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