Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Day 102 - The Lie of "I Know What Is Best Better Than Others"




Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -

Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"
Day 102 - The Lie of "I Know What Is Best Better Than Others" (Tonight's Writing) 
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Here is the continuation of walking through the fears/pictures related to me answering the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

Fears (Pictures)

Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and live the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.

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Tonight I am continuing to expand on the point of "Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and live the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me."

This is a fascinating point - because this statement shows how the mind will actually step in and direct our lives when we are not HERE, directing and moving ourselves. It is like for each moment that we say "I don't want to make a decision - I don't want to take responsibility for what I will do next", immediately there will be an 'answer' as though the characters and personalities that we have created in the mind will automatically step forth and say "Don't worry... I know exactly what to do... I know exactly what I want.... and I know exactly how I feel and how I think about it!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong or inherently unacceptable to consider the point of 'if you can't beat them, join them', and within this to automatically assume that each time I consider the point of adjusting myself to my environment, then that means I am 'giving up' and thus have 'lost' my will and my way, when in fact considering what is HERE in each moment and taking the actual context of what is here into consideration, and adjusting and aligning ourselves to the best possible outcome is an effective and necessary consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and attach a negative reaction to the thought of changing my stance and aligning myself with what is here in my world, and within this to believe that if I instead 'stay true' to an ideal that I have set myself and thus 'never compromise' then I am apparently doing 'good' and am 'proving myself'' and 'standing my ground' - NOT seeing and realizing how I had created 'not compromising myself' into a positive experience instead of seeing it as simply what it is - which is simply a self movement - and within this self-movement it is not about 'compromising' or 'not compromising' but to be able to do what is best for all when, and especially if, it goes against our idea of ourselves or any value systems that we are holding on to that is not actually in alignment with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful and actually jealous of those who live what I believe to be a 'normal life' and within my spite and jealousy thus attribute negativity and 'compromise' to those who live such lives, wherein they have a fair enough job, live a somewhat comfortable life, get into relationships and start a family, and live out their lives just going with the status quo - within this blaming and judging others who live this kind of life as 'not seeing the big picture' and 'not understanding' - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT unconditionally place myself in the shoes of those individuals and be willing to see from their perspective and understand where they are in their own process to best see how I am able to support them in their ability to see and realize perspectives that they had not, and perhaps could not have seen without support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who live a 'normal life' and create/attach a negative judgment to/towards having a 'normal life', wherein apparently it is 'better' to not live that 'normal life' and instead do something 'more' or 'better' according to my own definition, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT face within myself the fear and separation that I have created around living a 'normal life' and not being willing to let go of my own desire for a 'special life' that is apparently 'better'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I make a judgment about anything, I am already separating myself and creating a point of polarity - where something is either good or bad, positive or negative - and in this I am actually severely limiting myself from being able to see and actually communicate with and understand the various aspects and dimensions of something in it's totality and will always regard that subject as either 'good' or 'bad' and ever actually see or intimately understand it's actual nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the judgment toward living a normal life, making money, spending money on entertainment, and participating in relationships in order to 'fit in' is actually my own point of fear and separation within still wanting to participate in those very things, but having judged them as 'wrong' and inherently 'bad' and thus would be a point of 'compromise' if I were to participate - instead of taking responsibility for myself within where I am NOT directing myself in terms of my living, my fears, my relationship to money, my addictions to entertainment, my desires for a relationship and desires to 'fit in', as well as my self-judgment within seeing and realizing that I am still allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts/emotions/fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have NOT clarified my own relationship to/towards having a 'normal life', thus simply believe that it is 'bad' or 'wrong' or would be a point of 'compromise' to participate in such things, and NOT see or realize that I am able to direct myself within and as those things - that I am able to consider getting to know who I am in relation to those things and ensuring that my starting point is one of self-honesty and self-support - that to live a 'normal life' in the system is not inherently good or bad, and that I do not require to define myself within whether or not I participate in having a 'normal life' - but rather it is to ensure that whatever life I have, whatever life I live, I live it in a way that is best for all - and thus I can be sure that no matter what I do, I do not compromise myself or diminish myself, and do not fear to answer the question "What am I doing with my life".

I commit myself to STOP judging the lives of others and to STOP believing that having a 'normal life' such as working a job, doing what is required to make money, enjoying a moment of entertainment, establishing relationships, and doing what 'normal people do' is inherently bad, so that I am able to see myself within such points, walk myself within such points, and really understand how such relationships function, and in that practical understanding be able to see and discover ways to live such lives and relationships in a way that is best for all.

I commit myself to SHOW that it is not inherently bad to consider "if you can't beat them, join them" as a way to STOP our own opinions, judgments, and backchat against certain groups, people, activities in this world, so that as we let go of our own prejudices and self-interest and our own mental pictures of reality based on our own opinion and desires, we also develop an intimacy, an understanding, and an awareness of what is here, so that we can in fact walk one and equal with the point that we were previously judging and thus really understand how something works, and what can be done to change the parts that are not currently best for all.

So thus I commit myself to, within here assessing my own life and my own living, not judge or further separate myself from what is here or compare myself to others. Rather I push myself to let go of my judgments and self-interest to be able to walk in the shoes of another, and where I see I am in a point of wanting to fight or wanting to be 'right' about my position because apparently I see 'more' and have a 'greater perspective', to be sure that I include the perspective and actual reality of 'another', that I do see, realize, understand where they are 'coming from' - to walk with them, as them for a moment and consider the life and the relationship dynamics involved in bringing them to their current manifestation - so that when I am determining what is "best for all" within a question, my perspective is not limited and stifled by my own self-interest, but rather based on an actual knowing, an actual intimacy, with what is here.
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