Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Day 103 - The Lie of "My Life Is A Spectator Event"

Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance
Day 103 - The Lie of "My Life Is Just A Spectator Event" (Tonight's Writing) 

Thus far I have worked through the picture/imaginative based fears associated with the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?" 

Tonight I will begin the next dimension of fears - which is the thoughts/backchat, as follows :

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat)

I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments.

I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni.

I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world.

Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.

Tonight I begin with the first line -

" I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments."

This is a very good example of the 'whiner' tactic where one will actually fight for limitation and complain and whine about the tasks that one requires to take responsibility for, instead of pushing oneself past the comfort zones and finding a way to accomplish the things that one never actually considered possible - and in this manner of complaining and whining and fighting for limitation, we end up ensuring that we never in fact change, and when the dust settles we end up falling back to 'what we know' and back to our 'comfort zone' and back to our pre-programmed lives instead of actually doing that which we see and understand is best for all, but would require that we let go of our self-interest and fear.

Thus in the context of the question "What Am I Doing With My Life?" -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately convince myself through backchat and self-talk that I simply do not know how to do anything else other than what I am currently doing, and just because I now lack certain knowledge, discipline, skill, or experience to support myself within the system without compromising my self-commitments, that this somehow means that it is okay to remain ignorant and 'not knowing' and thus never actually committing - because how can I actually say that I have committed myself to something if I am not doing whatever it takes to ensure that I actually DO and LIVE what I commit to?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame lack of discipline and lack of practical knowledge and accumulation as justifications for why I am apparently 'unable' to stop compromising myself and my commitments, instead of aligning myself within discipline, practical learning, and accumulating skill and self-perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for the limitation of simply being ignorant and 'not knowing' how to practically support myself and walk my commitments and responsibilities within my living and thus already set myself up so that I can always just 'give up' on myself before actually making the commitment and actually walking it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realized that I do in fact know what I require to do, and that I am at all times aware of my participation, and yet allow myself to NOT step in and intervene and take responsibility for my participation in the moments where I am not HERE - and within this to desire, want, and need to already be 'self-realized' and doing 'better things' without actually slowing myself down and walking the process of ensuring that I am indeed HERE and that I am in each moment directing myself -so that no matter what I do, I do within awareness, within taking what is best for all into consideration, and thus build my self-integrity and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have so separated myself from my own living, from my own participation, from my very breathing in each moment, that I have disconnected myself from the point of being an actual PARTICIPANT in my life to become a spectator and observer - commenting and speculating and narrating the events of my life in my own mind - NOT seeing and realizing that life is HERE, that I am a direct participant at all times, and just because I am not allowing myself to see it does not mean that I am not responsible for my participation, for my actions, for my thoughts - and for any excuses that I create and listen to which justifies the illusion that I am apparently so powerless and so diminished within myself as a spectator that I am not able to change and directly intervene in the shaping, forming, and living of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and define myself as only being a spectator to my life - resigned to simply let things 'progress' and curiously, apathetically watching, and simply reacting to or commenting on the events that seem to 'unfold' before me - and thus BECOME one and equal to being a comment in my mind ABOUT my life instead of actually LIVING the life that I am.

Thus - to practically assess this statement again -

"I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments."

I see and realize that there are MANY opportunities for me to develop and expand myself, and that it is always up to me to decide what I participate in and what I allow to define me - as well as what I allow myself to give into and compromise myself in the name of.

I see and realize that by being a spectator and observer and just commenting to myself over and over that I apparently don't know how to do something practical about my life and to stop participating in things which diminish me or cause me to fall within my self-discipline and self-commitments, I am already accepting and 'going along with' the show that I have turned my life into, instead of STANDING as a participant in my own living - meaning to STOP commenting and thinking and reacting to my life as though it were happening 'magically' but to realize that I am HERE, creating and participating and influencing every moment of my life - and if I am not satisfied with how the 'story' is going, I am responsible for changing it - for I am NOT just characters living out a story that is my life - I am NOT limited to what I 'know' or 'don't know'.

I see and realize that developing and finding a way to practically walk in the matrix, support myself within the current world system, and to NOT lose myself within it and remain dedicated and committed to my principles and to the realization of my self-responsibility as a participant in LIFE, requires that I stop being a spectator content with 'whatever happens' or simply accepting the images and pictures and experiences within myself as 'life' - when LIFE is not a picture, is not an 'experience' subject to interpretation.

I commit myself to working with myself and supporting myself to STOP being apathetic and being a spectator and observer in my own living - to instead find, develop, and explore practical ways to support myself in this world, develop relationships within which there is actual consideration and mutual support within taking responsibility and being/becoming a participant in LIFE, and PROVE that through actual physical, practical participation in my life I am able to directly intervene, change, and alter the pattern of apathy and self diminishment.

I commit myself to, when and as I see/notice myself falling back to a state of apathy and simply observing my life as though it is happening TO me without my participation and therefore I am not responsible for my participation, to STOP and see this for the trap that it is - for how can it be that my own life, my own living, my movement, my thoughts, be in any way the responsibility of anyone or anything other than MYSELF, that is and has been here in this body, walking this life? Who else could it have been all this time that has accepted and allowed this separation of self into an observer instead of a participant? It is me - thus my responsibility - thus my power and authority - to step back into the LIFE that I had abdicated myself to and resigned myself to 'watching' instead of LIVING.

I decide to step into life - to intervene wherever necessary - that I do not compromise myself or allow myself to remain a spectator and thus allow my backchat - my self-interest - to call the shots, to make the decisions, to write the script of my life and determine the consequences in my absence - to find a way to do what I require to do in this world to survive, to make a living, to support myself, to develop practical and supportive relationships in my world, and NOT compromise or deliberately sabotage myself or my commitments just because I had gotten so addicted to being a spectator and watching the 'story of my life' just to see 'what happens next' and if everything will turn out 'alright' at the end WITHOUT my direct participation and intervention.

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