Monday, October 1, 2012
Day 87- It is the writing's fault that I haven't been writing!!
Here I am continuing with walking the point by point details of a pattern that I opened up from my previous post.
Here is the point that I am currently walking -
The General Pattern -
Getting 'overwhelmed' within reactions and backchat and self-talk.
Not writing out the point.
Not taking the point 'back to self' and thus blaming my environment for my experience.
Not remaining consistent with self-writing and self-forgiveness.
Not supporting myself with a practical solution to the problem(s).
Allowing the backchat and the emotional energies to build up.
Repeat the pattern.
Main Point -
Slowing down and doing things in detail, consistently and with self-integrity – with writing specifically.
“I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.”
“I will do it later on, after some rest. For now I will entertain myself and 'relax'”
“How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?”
“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.”
“My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.”
Okay – so tonight I will begin with walking the first point of backchat that comes up when I get home and begin to experience resistance to slowing down, sitting at my computer, and doing my daily writing and self-forgiveness application.
The first line of backchat is “I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.”
This is a fascinating point of self-manipulation because one is never in fact just 'too tired' unless it is an actual physical exhaustion. What is in fact going on is I am allowing myself to sell myself the idea that I am 'too tired' and that I just don't have the 'energy' to sit, slow down, and investigate myself within writing – and that it take too much 'effort' to push myself and that it would thus be a 'better idea' to just 'take it easy' and 'rest'.
Also it is interesting that this is a statement that has a built in judgment and energetic charge – which can be seen in “I can't FUCKING do this right now.” - here showing that I am separating myself from the point of slowing down and writing – and within this separation seeing the writing as something outside of me that I must 'feel' good or bad about and create a 'relationship' with where I must feel 'in the mood' to write instead of me no matter what as a point of self-support to STOP the separation going on within my relationship to my own mind and my own thoughts and my own feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of writing and assisting and supporting myself within writing, seeing it as something outside of me that 'must be done' as a kind of chore or task outside of myself which I then react to based on the nature and extent of backchat and resistances I have accumulated within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that as long as I keep separating myself from the point of self-support and writing, I will keep treating/regarding the writing as something outside and separate from me, and will thus form ideas and relationships about the writing – where I will feel good about it and want to do it because it feels good, or I will resist doing it and thus not do it because it does not feel good – and within this missing the point of STOPPING the separation and energetic swings from one polarity to the other so that I am able to unconditionally write and support myself no matter what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and separate myself from the point of daily writing and self support and creating the idea and belief that the writing itself is hard and difficult instead of bringing the point back to myself and investigating how and why I have created such resistance to writing and being consistent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself and to blame the writing for being 'difficult' when I am actually just projecting my own resistance to facing and seeing myself because I am fully aware that the writing is not hard or difficult but it is 'easier' and more 'convenient' for me as my ego and self-interest to blame it on tiredness and the writing being too 'hard' instead of admitting to myself in self-honesty that I simply do not want to actually face me, to take responsibility for me, to absolutely direct myself within self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of being self-honest with myself in realizing that I am allowing my self-interest desires and addictions to energy remain in control of me, lie to and manipulate myself into deliberately giving in to excuses and justifications so that I can continue to experience myself as energy and not have to in fact change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of “I can't fucking do this right now” and to NOT see and realize that this is NOT who I actually am that is speaking, but is a personality/character that I have created to ensure that I remain addicted to energy and feelings and thus always make my choices and decisions based on what 'feels good' or what 'feels right' instead of being based on PRINCIPLE which is to do what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to a voice within me that tells me what I can and cannot do, what I should and should not feel, and to limit and determine my actual physical expression and to NOT slow myself down and realize that this is a voice that I have allowed to exist within me, that I have allowed myself to listen to and trust, without investigating and seeing where this voice came from, what it's motives are, and whether or not this voice is actually supporting me in living my fullest potential or whether it is only interested in preserving it's own experience of itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to ANY voice within me that makes the statement or judgment that I cannot do something simply because it SAYS SO in my own mind, wherein I make myself the utter slave to my own thoughts and feelings and reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative charge to the point of writing and supporting myself and being consistent in my application because this would mean that I would have to let go of my self-interest and actually STOP.
One does not need to 'feel' good or bad about anything to simply do it. I do not require to feel 'good' or 'bad' about taking a shower or brushing my teeth – they are simply actions that I do because I see that it is practical that I take care of myself in such a way and support my body. No energy necessary. Thus I do not have experiences where I go “I can't fucking take a shower right now” or “I can't fucking brush my teeth right now” lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing and daily self support something that is outside of me and separate from me which I have formed relationships and judgments toward instead of implementing as simply a part of me, that is simply something that I do for myself to assist and support myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my writing and self-support needs to be a certain way or a certain quality or that it needs to 'get me somewhere' – because the point is not go 'get somewhere' – rather it is a tool for me to bring myself back HERE from wherever it is that I have allowed myself to wander off to within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the writing itself responsible for assisting and supporting me and thus projecting upon and blaming the writing for not 'already assisting me' when it is I myself that must assist and support myself within utilizing the tool of writing – in the same way that taking a shower and brushing my teeth are tools for me to support my body – that the showering and brushing in and of themselves are not responsible for keeping me clean indefinitely, nor can showering or brushing be blamed when I get dirty or when food gets caught in my teeth as I participate in my daily living within the physical.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a relationship of blame and resistance toward the point of self-writing – judging the writing application to be 'not enough' as an excuse to not support myself and BE that which is enough – to BE self that is here walking myself out of the madness of the mind – not depending on the writing, but to develop trust and integrity with self THROUGH the initial point of writing.
I commit myself to BE the point of self-trust and self-integrity for myself within realizing that the writing application is a tool and that I must be the one who makes the commitment and decision to support myself with it instead of separating myself from writing and creating needless resistances to the very tool through which I am able to lay out in detail a structured way to walk myself OUT of my mental possessions and into the physical.
I commit myself to, when and as I get home and the moment is here for me to be with myself and support myself within writing, realize that not matter what I may be going through or what backchat I am dealing with, or how strong the resistance may be to writing – it is NOT the writing that is responsible for my experience – and it is NOT the responsibility of writing to assist and support and correct me.
I commit myself to, when and as I see or notice myself wanting to participate in the thought of “I can't fucking do this right now” as I ready myself to sit and do my daily writing, stop myself, bring myself back HERE as I breathe and realize that I am here to write for myself, to assist and support myself, through WHATEVER it is I am going through – that the writing is not judging me or expecting anything out of me – thus it is only my own judgments and expectations that I am allowing in that moment to keep me from assisting and supporting myself – so within this I stop and unconditionally write to support myself no matter what – in the same manner that I take a shower and wash myself and do not in that moment judge how or why my body requires washing – it is simply a movement of self support.
In the post to follow I will continue with the backchat dimensions of this pattern.