Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 91 - All the Small Things Part 1



Continuing from the previous posts in which I laid out the current pattern that I am working on -

The General Pattern -

Getting 'overwhelmed' within reactions and backchat and self-talk.
Not writing out the point.
Not taking the point 'back to self' and thus blaming my environment for my experience.
Not remaining consistent with self-writing and self-forgiveness.
Not supporting myself with a practical solution to the problem(s).
Allowing the backchat and the emotional energies to build up.
Repeat the pattern.

Main Point -

Slowing down and doing things in detail, consistently and with self-integrity – with writing specifically.


Thoughts/Backchat -

“I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)

“I will do it later on, after some rest. For now I will entertain myself and 'relax'” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)

“How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?” (This is tonight's topic)

“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.”

“My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.”

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Tonight I will be working with the thought “How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?

There is a very fascinating point because recently within writing out a point in relation to 'attention diversion' I realized the extent to which we really are not here at all – that the great majority of time that we spend is actually within our own minds, having internal conversations with ourselves through pictures and thoughts, or it is spent in entertaining ourselves and distracting ourselves from reality – following one point of distraction to another – as long as we do not remain HERE and realize our relationship with ourselves HERE – as long as we do not ever develop an intimacy with who we are HERE in the practical and physical reality which we all share.


The first thing that I see requires self-forgiveness and self-correction can be seen in the very first line of the sentence, specifically when I say “looking at every little thing” which is charged with the idea and belief that to slow down and look at the actual details of something is a 'waste of time' and there is also a judgment that apparently the 'little things' are not important in comparison to what I believe are 'bigger things'.


Here I am missing the actual point of oneness and equality and seeing how ALL things are specific and ALL things exist within an interdependent and co-creative relationship to the other, and just because I do not have the mental capacity to actually understand, process, and conceptualize just how connected and interdependent all things are and the actual depth of the physical relationships that exist in this reality, I then tend to dismiss such interrelationships and do not allow myself to stand equal within everything that is HERE. Instead I tend to focus only on the 'big things' and only on the things that I can quickly process, work with, and then move on from – anything that requires that I really slow down and get to know something intimately and patiently is immediately considered a 'waste' in a world where “time is money” and where one requires and depends on money in order to purchase one's continued survival.

Thus -

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to believe that slowing down and looking at things in actual detail is a 'waste of time' and will limit or negatively effect my ability to do more and do things faster, which is where I have placed more value instead of seeing the inherent value of doing things specifically and in total self-direction and self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a picture within my mind wherein I see myself literally hunched over with a magnifying glass and scouring the ground for details when I consider the point of slowing down and looking at everything fully without trying to get it all figured out in the mind, and allowing myself to manipulate myself with that picture by believing that slowing down would seem stupid and out of place and irrational.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my value upon how much I can get done, how quickly I can do it, and how much it would cost me in terms of time and/or money – where I have developed a tendency to multitask as much as I can, try to do as much as I can, and try to finish as quickly as I can to maximize my time and thus my money – NOT seeing within this how much I have abdicated myself for money – how much this point of time and money has directed and influenced the very beingness of me where I constantly will resist points of slowing down and doing things in absolute detail and completion because I fear what I would be losing if I was not rushing and turning in a 'product' constantly – even if the 'product' is not the best quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see the very example of consumerism and capitalism reflected in the very nature and behavior of me when I resist the point of slowing down, taking all into consideration, and applying myself in detail and specificity to do what is best and to the very best of my ability, to ensure that whatever I produce or participate in, is of the best quality possible regardless of time or 'money' – which is the current behavior of the world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in fact being 'productive' by rushing and getting done as much as I can, and as long as I am producing quickly enough and in enough quantity, I will be able to earn enough time/money for myself and will be able to simply pay off any damages or make up for any loss of time with the money that I so fervently worked for – in this NOT seeing or realizing the trap of money and time in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within only what gives me money or time because I have accepted and allowed myself to give up EVERYTHING of this world within participating in a system in which money controls everything including TIME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss anything that does not immediatley pay off or does not immediately make a measurable difference because my value system, according to the money system of the world currently, values only the immediacy of the pay-off and NOT the quality – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately NOT slow down or align myself within patience and commitment to do something absolutely no matter how much time or money it may 'cost' me – thus NOT realizing the actual value of commitment and doing something with all of one's being down to the very core.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sold myself out to the system in exchange for survival and the ability to not be victimized by the system, and within this selling out, to not ensure that my starting point is best for all – that I do what I require to do to ensure that my position of security in this world is not compromised – so that I am able to use my position of stability to assist and support myself and others and to bring about an actual change from WITHIN and AS the very system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by what I require to do in the current system, in the context of where I am currently and what is required to ensure I am financially able to support and sustain myself and thus be able to provide for myself the time, space, health, and security required that I can walk my process of self-change and self-correction even though I must for the moment participate within a system who's values are not aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself within standing in a position within the system and not lose myself or my starting point within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do slow down and actually look at things in detail, to actually see the full dimensions of a point, that I would be 'wasting time', thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value 'time' the same way that the current money system does and to fear slowing down and not being 'productive' according the the values of the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship with time in which I disregard anything that I believe to to be 'slow' or takes too much time and does not provide a 'result' quickly enough to satisfy me as the 'consumer' and participant in the current money system that requires constant results, constant movement, constant consumption, and thus constant 'goods' and 'output' regardless of quality or actual cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus separate myself from slowing down, and being HERE, and moving one and equal with the actual movement of this physical reality, so that I am able to ACTUALLY see what is going on in full detail and intimacy, instead of seeing only the blur of motion as I scramble within and without trying to get to the 'next point' as quickly as possible, running around in my mind as well as in my reality chasing the next point – and not seeing or realizing that there is nothing to chase – as everything is already HERE – and I am the one that is not in alignment with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself and to demand from the physical and from the world that which I am not giving to myself, as myself – which is the point of trusting that there is nothing to 'lose' in slowing down so that I can REALLY see what is in fact going on in this reality without the interpretations and opinions of the mind which only want to go faster, process the information faster, make 'sense' of what is here and 'decide' what is here – never actually simply SEEING and being one and equal with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that slowing down and looking at things in detail requires that I try and THINK ABOUT and mentally CONCEPTUALIZE the detail – thus not unconditionally being here, but still watching and observing through the mind and trying to see and contain and 'make sense' of the detail that is here and finding that the mind is simply NOT equipped to process what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that slowing down and walking a point in detail and completion requires great effort and that I require to work very hard at memorizing and defining and interpreting the information, and thus will require that I expend a lot of energy and time, believing that making a commitment requires that I mentally create a relationship to that commitment and THEN try to become that commitment in separation – instead of trusting myself here, breathing here, moving myself here in each moment, LETTING GO of any relationship or mental attachment or idea I have about what is here, so that I can be HERE unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within ideas about what it means to slow down and do things in detail and specificity, so that I can see within 'every little thing' and every 'big thing' one and equal the history of creation – the detail and absolute specificity that is already HERE in everything that exists – to align myself as part of that oneness and equality and understand the greatest relationship that has ever and always existed – which is the relationship of oneness and equality – something that cannot be conceived by the mind or observed through ego – something that is never broken or compromised by energy or polarity.

While I have had only brief moments of realization within this relationship – with this actual physical reality – those brief moments have been enough for me to see and realize the actual limitation of the mind and what is actually in fact possible when one realizes the actual potential and physical relationships of what is HERE.

Thus I commit myself to trust myself within slowing down, understanding that there is NOTHING that I will in fact lose that is of any actual value other that the value that I have created and defined within my own mind – thus when I see and notice myself resisting to slow down and consider a point in detail and specificity, I stop and do not allow that point of resistance because in that moment is my opportunity to STOP allowing the definitions of my mind which I have proven to myself to be far more limited than actual physicality.

I commit myself to, when and as I fear compromising myself within the relationships that I have created in this world in order to fit in to the current system and be able to survive, realize that the fear is not valid because I lose nothing of actual value in losing a relationship created within the mind – thus the fear is simply self-interest not wanting to let go of what I believe I know and what I believe I have 'control of' – thus I give myself the permission, authority, and trust to let go of any relationship or definition within myself that is not in alignment with be being able to in one moment slow myself down and not be influenced or controlled by what I may fear 'losing'.

I will continue in the next posts with more expansion on this point.

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