Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 92 - All the Small Things Part 2

The General Pattern -

Getting 'overwhelmed' within reactions and backchat and self-talk.
Not writing out the point.
Not taking the point 'back to self' and thus blaming my environment for my experience.
Not remaining consistent with self-writing and self-forgiveness.
Not supporting myself with a practical solution to the problem(s).
Allowing the backchat and the emotional energies to build up.
Repeat the pattern.

Main Point -

Slowing down and doing things in detail, consistently and with self-integrity – with writing specifically.

Thoughts/Backchat -

“I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)

“I will do it later on, after some rest. For now I will entertain myself and 'relax'” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)

“How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?” (This is tonight's topic)

“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.”

“My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.”

Here I am continuing with more on the backchat of “How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain things are not worth my attention and that I would be better off if I focused on the 'bigger things' or if I only did the things that I can get done quickly and easily – so that by the sheer number of small things that I am able to get done or by the amount of 'large' points that I am able to walk through – I then can justify and be able to say that I was being 'productive' – without actually considering what it is that I am REALLY PRODUCING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see that there is a point that is bothering me or when I see I am constantly and continuously not facing or directing a point because it is 'minor' and I have 'other things to do', to NOT see that this is a direct manipulation of myself and a direct undermining of my commitment to take responsibility for my thoughts, words, and deeds – because how could I actually say in self honesty that I am self-responsible if I continue to make excuses and justifications each time I allow something to influence and direct me or if I allow myself to give in to a point of self-interest?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow myself down and correct myself when I see that I am rushing and allowing myself to become fixated on a certain point, or allowing a point of responsibility to continuously be ignored and thus accumulate into something that I convince myself is 'bigger than me' or 'beyond my ability', something that will not instantly satisfy my desire or bring me closer to what I have separated myself from and formed a relationship to – and thus to justify not directing the point or continuing to postpone it – telling myself that if it is not bringing me instant results and immediately giving me the kind of life that I desire to have, then it is not worth my 'time' and can be 'dealt with' later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the very resistance to slowing down and looking at things in detail and specificity, to rather place my trust within knowledge and information and my own ego instead of allowing myself to see things clearly and directly – and to NOT consider that just because I am apparently able to do a certain task quickly and repeatedly does not imply that I have 'mastered' that point or that I have actually taken into consideration all and everything that may result as an outflow of what I am producing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to work through my problems and challenges, I have to rely on 'what I know' and to not push myself beyond that threshold so that I expand who I am, and see a bigger picture and perspective on the issue, and remove my personal contexts of self-interest and opinions – which can only happen within discipline, patience, slowing myself down, and trusting myself in being HERE and moving with what is HERE instead of trying to get to where I think I need to be in order to deal with the problems I THINK I'm having lol.

Thus to support myself within this point I commit myself to not give in the the rush rush rush of the mind in trying to figure things out based only on the information that I have accumulated so far – which of course cannot be trusted because all of the information that I have allowed myself to accumulate and define myself by has NOT been in alignment with what is actually HERE in this practical and physical reality – that the information that I have been exposed to and educated within, has always been within the starting point of the mind – because we have never actually developed the ability as humans to see things DIRECTLY.

I commit myself to learn, develop, and perfect my ability to see directly and work directly with what is here instead of allowing myself to trust the mind – where I am constantly speeding from one point to another, trying to piece together a puzzle using pieces of information that are in and of themselves incomplete.

I commit myself to UNLEARN what I have learned in my life that has become a point of separation where my knowledge and information and everything that I think I know about reality is actually preventing me from standing here one and equal with reality itself – and to miss the point that in all things we are reflected – that in every single detail – in every single molecule of this existence is in a way 'written' the entire history of existence – and all of this information is already HERE, and has ALWAYS BEEN HERE – thus to trust the mind in trying to figure out solutions for my own life, let alone for existence, is foolish.

I commit myself to develop my ability to see directly and to NOT listen to my mind when I experience resistance to slowing down and looking at something in detail – which requires that I stop the mind and let go of wanting to 'know' everything or being 'in control' just because I think I know something about myself or this reality.

I commit myself to investigate, explore, and let go of any knowledge or information that I am holding on to or fearing to lose because I have defined myself by it so that I can in fact see myself and this reality directly instead of trusting my mind's interpretations and reasoning and conclusions.

When and as I see/notice that there is a problem or conflict within myself or within my world that has not been directed and I find myself constantly postponing and not looking directly at the points involved because I tell myself these points are 'too small' or will be a 'waste of time', I stop and look directly at those points – I forgive myself any resistance or desire to hide the truth from myself – I dare to let go of what I think I know or what I want to believe so that I can feel better about the situation and be able to deal with 'other things'.

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