Friday, October 12, 2012
Day 93 - What is the POINT to all this WRITING anyway?
Here I continue from the previous posts -
The General Pattern -
Getting 'overwhelmed' within reactions and backchat and self-talk.
Not writing out the point.
Not taking the point 'back to self' and thus blaming my environment for my experience.
Not remaining consistent with self-writing and self-forgiveness.
Not supporting myself with a practical solution to the problem(s).
Allowing the backchat and the emotional energies to build up.
Repeat the pattern.
Main Point -
Slowing down and doing things in detail, consistently and with self-integrity – with writing specifically.
“I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“I will do it later on, after some rest. For now I will entertain myself and 'relax'” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.” (Tonight's Topic)
“My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.”
Tonight I am going to take a look specifically at these two thoughts -
“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.”
Within my experience of this process so far I would say that these are two of the biggest LIES that I tell myself the most – where I will deliberately throw a tantrum and manipulate myself into giving up – manipulate myself into reasoning and justifying NOT clearing myself up, removing my personal bias and opinions and charges, and NOT giving myself the patience and self-trust to really slow down and work through whatever it is that I experience conflict and friction in relation to in my world.
I have already established that writing and self-corrective application is a MUST – that this is a non-negotiable within my process if I am to actually develop intimacy and self-trust, and it is most often this very point where I fall the most frequently – where I try to just 'go with it' and try to just 'wait it out' instead of directing myself within writing out whatever I am facing in my world clearly and directly, applying the self-forgiveness, and living that self-forgiveness immediately as a point of self-correction so that my realizations to not remain 'nice ideas' but become my actual LIVING.
Thus here to answer this question for myself – the POINT of writing is not to have the writing get me anywhere – the POINT of writing is for me to clarify and place into a practical structure whatever it is that is going on in my mind – and clearing myself of any energetic attachments or emotional charges so that I can see clearly a point of correction and how to best support myself through an issue – the writing itself is a tool to lay out a clear blueprint and a plan of action for myself – where I get to literally script for myself a solution to be implemented – but in this it is still up to me – as the physical living being that is here typing these very words – to actually LIVE and APPLY that script – that blueprint of correction.
Thus within this -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the very thought of “What is the point? I am not going to get anywhere with writing” to exist within me and to have allowed myself to listen to and be influenced by this thought as a way to deliberately sabotage myself and undermine my own self-trust within learning and developing my consistency and effectiveness within using writing and self-forgiveness as a tool for self-correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the writing and place responsibility on writing instead of daring to take actual self-responsibility to step out of my comfort zones and release myself from my own self-created ideas and prisons of self-definition – by using writing as a way to structure and lay out my own mental terrain – so that I am able to really understand and work with myself in a tangible and physical and structural way, so that I do not lose myself in the 'quantum' nature of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my writing to support me, as though if I just write about a point enough – and write it clearly enough or often enough – then there will be some extra 'support' or some 'sign' that I am correcting myself and that things will become 'easier' to deal with in my world – when this is in fact a self-manipulation to not stand one and equal within the words that I write and the words that I actually LIVE – where I am still allowing myself to separate myself from self-support and believing that support comes from something outside of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I simply do not know how to utilize the writing effectively and to be consistent enough within my application – already allowing my backchat to determine what it is that I will listen to and give my power over to – and thus already determining for myself that writing is just not going to work – that I will try and try but it just won't work – instead of STOPPING and realizing that this has become PART of my scripting – that this pattern has become PART of my 'living' and through this I am already sabotaging myself within my writing – where I am just following the 'script' of doing my writing and self-forgiveness but not actually changing consistently and living the change consistently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that within the very thought of “What is the point? The writing is not going to get me anywhere” is ALREADY an indication and a red flag of what it is that I have ALREADY accepted and allowed and what I have ALREADY given my power to – where this idea and belief of writing not 'getting me anywhere' becomes the actual living expression of me, and through repetition will become more and more a part of my actual living – and in this way actually manifest the very starting point of believing that my writing is 'not getting me anywhere'.
I commit myself to clear up my starting point within writing and ensure that when and as I do write, I do so as a point of correction where I am laying out what I am facing within myself and do NOT allow the thought of “The writing isn't going to get me anywhere” to influence or direct me within the DECISION to write and support myself no matter what.
I commit myself to when and as I see/notice the 'domino effect' of my shoulders getting tight, my eyes getting heavy, my posture sinking into my seat, my attention wanting to wander off into other points of distraction, and thoughts and pictures coming up within me where I see myself doing something else, or just wanting to 'give up' and sink/wallow in self-pity, to STOP and realize that all of these experiences are NOT in control of me – that these resistances have been engrained within me through repeated acceptance and allowance and thus will seem to be 'natural' and will appear to be 'who I am' because I have always just given in to them – have always trusted them – but never actually, self-honestly investigated where such sensations and thoughts come from. Thus I give myself the responsibility and authority to STOP, breathe, and move myself PHYSICALLY through the resistance and prove to myself that no matter how much I might resist facing a point, no matter how many times a picture comes up to distract me, no matter how tense or tight my shoulders feel or how many physical indicators I experience that indicate to me a resistance to writing or facing a point of change, I am HERE and able to, in spite of having given in to such points before, in spite of having abdicated myself before, in spite of having thoughts, pictures, and physical resistances building upon each other to convince me that that is what I must do, I do NOT listen. I move myself physically through it and I keep doing this until I am satisfied that such points no longer control or influence me – that my DECISION is absolute and once I commit I do NOT compromise especially when it comes to moments where I face all the times I have fallen before – stumbled before – and want to give in to the temptation of believing that these resistances are who I am and who I must remain.
I commit myself to, when and as the picture comes up within me where I see myself doing something OTHER than supporting myself practically through writing, breathing, or working breath by breath through a point – deliberately and immediately delete that picture and PHYSICALLY move myself within the point of correction.
I commit myself to, when and as I experience tightness or pains in my shoulder or notice that I am wanting to slouch and just slump into my seat and not move myself, I stop, breathe, and take responsibility for how I carry myself and what I accept and allow within my posture, and PHYSICALLY sit up and move myself within what I require to do – and do NOT allow myself to listen to the 'signs' of self-sabotage or give in to the pattern of 'giving up' and allowing my reactions to my own body influence my movement when I am able to simply correct, adjust, and MOVE myself as my body.
this life and in this world just because I gave in to the fog of my mind and did not support myself out of it through writing it out. THAT is the point of writing that I commit myself to live and develop and apply until it becomes me in fact – so that this question may never arise again of “what is the point of writing?”