Saturday, October 13, 2012
Day 94 - Conflict Resolution as a Gift to Myself
Here I continue from the previous posts -
The General Pattern -
Getting 'overwhelmed' within reactions and backchat and self-talk.
Not writing out the point.
Not taking the point 'back to self' and thus blaming my environment for my experience.
Not remaining consistent with self-writing and self-forgiveness.
Not supporting myself with a practical solution to the problem(s).
Allowing the backchat and the emotional energies to build up.
Repeat the pattern.
Main Point -
Slowing down and doing things in detail, consistently and with self-integrity – with writing specifically.
“I can't fucking do this right now. I'm too tired.” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“I will do it later on, after some rest. For now I will entertain myself and 'relax'” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“How is slowing down and looking at every little thing one at a time going to help me with my problems now?” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere with writing.” (This point has been walked in the previous posts)
“My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.” (Tonight's Topic)
Tonight I will be working with the last line of thought/backchat in this series, which is where I tell myself “My problems/issues/conflicts are bigger than what I can work through by writing and slowing down.”
This is an interesting point of self-manipulation and sabotage – where the mind oh so cunningly will use everything that I am not standing one and equal with as a kind of leverage to make sure that I do not actually slow myself down and face the conflicts and problems in a practical way – because then there would be no more conflict! And surely if there were no more conflict in relation to an issue in my internal or external world, then there would be no friction! And surely, if there were no friction within my daily living then there would be no more participation in energy and the relationships that I have formed in separation would no longer be supported – and I would actually have to just live HERE, directly, completely, just – just MOVING MYSELF as a self-directed expression of me no matter where I am, with no thoughts, pictures, backchat, feelings to guide and determine my every move and decision!!
So there are a few dimensions to this point that I see require to be clarified and walked – because it is clear to me that it is only through slowing down and working through the fog of the mind by working in a structured and practical way that I am able to ensure that I STOP participating in things that are NOT really best for all or actually supportive in terms of me actually expanding myself and taking responsibility for the shaping and direction of my life – to make sure that I am not allowing myself to make decisions or maintain/participate in relationships within myself and within my world that is actually only serving to keep me diminished – to keep me fighting the same battles and dealing with the same conflicts – keeping me busy with the apparent 'problems' and 'struggles' of my life instead of actually walking through the polarity – through the conflict, through the friction -through the storm and into the eye of the hurricane – the “I” of the storm that I have created thus far in having separated myself to such an extent that walking a process of discipline and self-correction through writing has become necessary in order to keep the 'storm' from wreaking havoc as I try to piece together a 'life' and trying to 'make my life work' without first understanding ME in my totality – and how it is that I became so splintered and fragmented to begin with.
So here I walk and explore this question – ARE the conflicts and problems that I experience in my day to day living IN FACT 'bigger' than what I am able to work through by using writing as a tool?
The answer is a clear NO – what I have seen more and more within this process of self-investigation is that ANY point of conflict or friction that arises within me or becomes a point that is manifesting in my world through people and the environment in which I work and live, are ALWAYS reflections and indications of what I am accepting and allowing within myself – that conflict can only exist where there is friction – where there is energy – where I am allowing myself to participate in forming and holding on to self-interest as the mind while reality is showing and indicating to me that I am deluding myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing and supporting myself through investigating the layers of my mind, my thoughts, and the memories that I am allowing myself to define myself by as being 'ineffective' and 'too much work' and that it will 'get me nowhere', and thus NOT see that I am already NOWHERE because I am NOT HERE – I have been existing within and as my mind – as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that I have accepted as being who I am, and have thus spent many years in separation from myself, my body, from actually participating HERE intimately and expressively, really ALIVE in my living – and instead convinced myself that the splinters of personalities and random thoughts and pictures and the emotional reactions that seem to just 'happen to me' are who I am just because they seem to have 'always been there' – when what has in fact happened is that in my absence – in my abdication of living my life actually HERE, actually participating in each breath and in each movement of me, the energy of the mind stepped in, and formed relationships and thoughts and created worldviews and opinions based on the nature of information that I was exposed to, and created an entire reality which I would define as 'me' – a world so apparently rich and vivid and stimulating that I allowed myself to stay in that alternate world of the mind and energy and emotions and conflicts – and thus defined anything that would 'take me away' from that internal world of my own creation as being 'bad' or 'not worth it' because in my absence from actually living HERE I neglected the real and tangible relationships of this world – the immense depth of interconnection that this reality is comprised of – and just because I had severed my own connection, my own relationship to the immensity and unspeakable depth of what is in fact HERE – I simply dismissed this reality – this world – and my physical and practical participation within it and my actual connection and relationship to it in favor of my own alternate world – my own experiences and feelings and emotions which seemed so much more 'important' to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within accepting and allowing this separation from the actual physical reality of this world and severing my actual connection and oneness and equality with what is here in this world, then try to seek and find and piece together and create me NOT from this physical and practical reality, but rather from my mind through energy – through thoughts and pictures and feelings and memories and experiences that are NOT tangible and only exist so long as the energy is maintained to keep the illusion – the experience – 'alive' within me, NOT seeing how this has lead me to creating a life of total separation from myself, where now actual self-honest communication with myself here in the physical – and any act that is NOT based on energy – NOT based on preference and self-interest and getting a good 'feeling' or energetic 'charge' – is rejected and resisted because this apparently goes against who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and define myself by.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the conflict, the friction, the backchat, the thoughts, the pictures, the memories, the emotional reactions and energetic charges that I experience and define as 'me' out into the world so that anytime I experience a resistance, I blame it on the people or the environment I am in, or I convince myself that what I am feeling and experiencing towards a point – must be 'right' because that must be 'who I am' that is apparently making a 'decision' about what I will do and who I am in relation to something – when the point of making a DECISION is to be able to make that decision and live that decision NO MATTER WHAT – especially when that DECISION directly contradicts the person that I think I am – because as long as every decision I make is based on how I feel about the 'choice' – then my 'choice' will ALWAYS favor self-interest and will always favor what makes me FEEL good, instead of what is actually, practically, self-honestly best for all and thus best for me.
Thus within this I give myself the answer – are my conflicts and issues and problems that I face in the walking of my daily life IN FACT “more” than what I am able to work through by using writing as a tool? No, because conflict and friction are experiences of the mind – they are feedback that results from me having participated in creating a false world – a world of my own self-interest and held together by relationships that I give special value to based on how I feel within those relationships – and when such relationships 'clash' with the physical world – the actual reality that is NOT moved energetically or based on preference or specialness or 'good' or 'bad' - I will experience myself as though I am 'falling apart' or that things are not going 'my way' – which is the way of my ego and self-interest.
Thus conflict and problems and issues that I experience within my life – in my relationships, within myself, within my work, within my environment, are not something OUTSIDE of me that requires that I deal with them from the starting point of the mind – where I have to fight and protect my point of view – where I have to justify and defend my position – where I have to deal with the 'bigger issues' because they influence and affect my relationships, and how I will feel and experience myself, and thus I give my attention and focus to such things while ignoring and resisting anything that does not serve my self-interest – where writing and slowing down the mind and STOPPING the mind is thus resisted and seen as not being in alignment with me generating and maintaining my addiction to energy, thought, and NOT seeing how I have actually become addicted to the very conflict and friction and do not want to actually let it all go unconditionally – because then I would have to let go of my self-definition – then I would have to let go of my desire for control – because within the conflict – within the relationships that just don't seem to want to work – within the fears and anxieties and the problems that I face – there is energy – there is experiences – and it is actually that I am not wanting to let go of living as experiences – living as my mind – that I then 'decide' based on my feelings and preferences, that writing – slowing myself down, and actually STOPPING the conflict FOR REAL is not in my 'self-interest'.
Thus – I commit myself to PROVE to myself that I am NOT a slave to my self-interest and DARE to walk in the very places where I resist and fear to walk the most – I WILL myself out of my characters and personalities one a time, restoring me and building my self-trust so that the more I actually push myself, expand myself, and let go of the self-interest and fear of letting go of energy, of experiences, of memories, and of conflict in my life – the more I dare to let go of the next great 'victory' or holding out for my 'epic moment' – the more I am able to trust myself and make and live DECISIONS that will ALWAYS stand – will always be stable – and will never be compromised because they are DECISIONS made and lived HERE – not based on how I feel or what I get to experience because of making such a decision – not based on energy or emotion or preference – simply a DECISION to do that which is best for all – that which is necessary – that which honors and reflects the dedication and actual care that this physical reality demonstrates each day in it's stability – in it's unshakable commitment to itself – even in the face of madness, of war, of the insanity of human beings – it remains, and that his the quality – the commitment, the dedication that I dare myself to live – dare myself to align with – by writing, by self-forgiveness, by living my change and walking out of my addictions, and releasing myself from the hold of memories and experiences – that I can remember – and reunite myself with what has always been the stability of HERE.
In the next post I will walk a "recap" where I bring together the aspects and insights that I have been able to give to myself through writing out this point and taking these steps - putting together the insights and the practical points of change and commitment and redefinition and re-dedications to be lived.