Friday, October 19, 2012

Day 95 - Laying the Resistance to Rest


Artwork by Andrew Gable

Today I am having a look at the changes within myself and within my application since making some changes within my writing structure as well as my experience within pushing through resistances and what I have been able prove for myself as I push myself to live and apply my realization in practical ways.

I began this new form of writing back when I first opened up the point of resistances to writing and my general experience/pattern of not wanting to write and not remaining consistent in my application of writing especially when it comes to nights when I get home from work and I have accumulated from throughout the day various energies and backchat and within that will not 'want' to slow down and write myself out because I want to just 'relax' and 'give in' so that the mind will finally just 'leave me alone' – when in fact this NEVER happens and I will simply end up suppressing myself and the backchat and not facing the actual point that is causing the conflict and friction in my world.

I made the commitment to myself to keep pushing, and to slow down, and to take each point of backchat and thought apart and really look at what it is that I am allowing myself to participate in – what it is that I am allowing myself to be influenced by – and as I did this more and more I saw how interconnected the points were and how every single thing – from the 'big' to the 'small' – is in fact 'connected' and there is no such thing as a 'minor point'.

What I have come to appreciate most within this series of blogs that I had started was how simple the writing process can actually be – and how easily the mind will take something and blow it way out of proportion – which is interesting because when one has a look at how the mind 'sees' things – it does not see things in the actual context or actual physical dimensions of proportion that exist – the mind sees experiences and energies and memories that we create – and thus NOTHING is actually in correct and exact proportion in one's mind – thus everything that one sees within the mind is, by default, 'blown out of proportion' lol.

The most important and practical point that I have seen within these last posts is how to effectively slow myself down, and really take something and walk it through, and to lay out a structure for myself to write and ensure that I walk the details of a point – the memories, the backchat, the associations, and to not just write about them, but to immediately apply self-forgiveness and self-correction – to immediately move myself within stopping the point – and re-aligning myself – so that I do not miss the window of opportunity when a point is here being walked in writing and self-forgiveness – because it has often occurred where I would write up a point, apply self-forgiveness, and lay out the practical self-correction of the point, but by the time the writing has been done the actual point was already 'fizzled' – meaning the moment and opportunity of change within that point had already come and gone and thus I would have to 'wait' for that point to arise again in my world for me to actually stand and apply the self-correction – though often the self-correction would be hazy and not as clear – because again the actual moment of realization – the actual moment of clarity – had already come and gone.

So here in this post I will share the practical points of what I faced, what I've learned, what I have changed, and what I commit to continue walking and applying, as a kind of 'recap' of my applications and realizations so far in walking the point of “Resistance to writing”.

Realizations

The resistance to writing is a point that only becomes easier to face and walk through by actually remaining consistent with writing instead of making the writing into something special or making writing into something separate from myself – where I will go “Oh man, now I have to write” or “Oh fuck, I haven't done my writing. I am fucking around... fuck!” - and thus create a relationship to writing – where it will be based on how that relationship makes me feel instead of writing being simply a tool – an action that I can take and utilize to support myself.

The resistance to writing will ALWAYS become stronger when I fall or do not remain consistent within my writing – because then the backchat and the justifications come back and will seem 'stronger' because I have previously already given in to it, and thus at a physical level I may experience an actual physical resistance – to where I physically feel as though I just cannot do it – and in these moments it is vital that I realize my commitment – and push through no matter what.

Practical Solution to Live this Realization

Remain consistent in my self-writing and when/if I fall or see that I did not manage my time or allowed myself to miss a day or a few days of writing – to investigate the point – see what is going on without judging or condemning or making it a big deal because to become angry with myself is just another tactic to delay me in walking a solution.

Thus I commit myself to writing and investigating myself in detail as I continue with and expand upon and further perfect the writing structure that I am developing for myself.

I commit myself to NOT judge myself or hold it against myself or beat myself up if I miss a day of writing or when I see that I allowed other points to accumulate and possess me or when I did not manage my time effectively – I simply forgive myself and LIVE that forgiveness by bringing myself back to the point of writing.

Simplicity and Directness

It is very easy to get carried away within writing – where the writing itself more validates and reinforces a point – and actually becomes in and of itself a distraction from the actual practical solution.

To avoid this, it has been effective and practical for me to practice and apply the point of simplicity and directness within the point that I am writing – to not be 'lazy' about breaking a point down and seeing the various dimensions and layers involved, but to not drag out the writing and turn it into a mental exercise and thus miss the actual opportunity for change.

Thus, I commit myself to write simply and directly, walking the point clearly and in detail and not swamp myself down with chasing random tangents of thought or trying to tell a story instead of writing a practical and direct 'script' for myself to live in my practical day to day living.


Flagged Sabotage/Manipulation Tactics

The mind will utilize every 'weapon' in it's arsenal to ensure that a physical connection – a physical relationship to myself is not established – meaning it will do everything in it's power to ensure that I always give in to the mind – that I do not will myself into and as my physical body as a point of self-movement and self-direction – because that would be movement that was NOT based on energy or a positive/negative experience, and the more I move myself and direct myself the more I am able to actually establish that relationship with myself, with the physical, and the more I delete and remove the patterns of the mind.

The most common sabotage and manipulation tactics that I have seen and experienced so far has been that of blowing things out of proportion – where I make writing into something so separate from myself and seem like such a big point that I create an actual relationship to it – complete with arguments and fighting lol

Practical Solution to Stopping the Sabotage and Manipulation

To realize that the mind will do anything and everything to ensure that am distracted and occupied within feelings, thoughts, emotions, desires, and will utilize all manner of backchat to gain my attention and focus so that I do not direct my own attention and focus.

Thus I commit myself to, each and every time I see myself going into a point of self-manipulation or deliberately wandering off either in my mind going into daydreams or distracting myself with entertainment, or physically distracting myself with walking away from my computer, laying on my bed and 'zoning out' into other thoughts, or convincing myself to physically go out and get myself a snack or take a walk so that I can more easily become distracted with other points, to STOP and support myself by practically assessing whether or not I actually need to step away and do those things, slow myself down with breathing and letting go of any fight or conflict I am having with the voices in my head or pictures that come up to entice me away from moving and directing myself, and sit right back at my seat and physically move myself through the resistance and continue my writing.

I commit myself to remind myself when and as I see the resistance beginning to build within me, to stop and delete any thought or picture of me not doing my writing or any excuse or justification to postpone my writing.

I commit myself to, when and if I see that I experience a PHYSICAL resistance to writing such as tenseness in my shoulders, a slouching posture, and an experience of there being a 'wall' between me and writing, remind myself that writing is not special or magical – writing does not in and of itself do anything for me – writing is simply a tool and it is my responsibility to utilize that tool to support myself regardless of how I feel – and to remind myself that in the same way that I shower and clean myself and take responsibility for my own hygiene regardless of how I feel about showering, or whether I judge myself for not having showered, or whether I compare myself to others who may or may not have showered, or that my showering is not as 'good' as others – none of that actually matters – none of that is actually relevant – and all of it is rather silly to even contemplate because the point is to simply shower and clean myself and take responsibility for myself – and it this is the same application that I will myself to live and apply within my writing – to do it no matter what – and not let any thoughts or judgments or resistances get in the way.

Thus I commit myself to not allowing or accepting myself to listen to the manipulation tactics of the mind or the backchat or allow any pictures or thoughts to come up and create a false reality/relationship in regards to writing – because just as silly and pointless it would be for me to not shower simply because I had not showered the day before and then went into guilt about it and then gave up on myself because apparently I cannot trust myself to clean myself and thus should never trust myself to clean myself again – that is the same silliness and useless logic that is at 'play' when I make writing anything more than a tool for self-support.

So – it has been a very cool walking so far in this general point of resistances to writing and how to support myself to be stable and consistent within it – and how to pick myself up and make sure I keep walking if I stumble.

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