Saturday, October 20, 2012
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"
Tonight I am here, asking myself the question of what it is specifically that I am doing with my life – and what I am still allowing myself to participate in and hold on to and not let go of out of self-interest/fear that is keeping me from actually standing up and living in a way that is absolutely clear – that makes no room for doubt as to where I stand and what my principles are and what I commit myself to do and be an example of in this one life.
This is quite a 'vast' question in that it encompasses many dimensions and points – but overall there is one specific point that I have not been clear on for quite a while now – a few years actually – and this question has been “why am I doing what I am doing, and why am I not doing something else?”
This question is pertinent to me at the moment because I am seeing how apathetic and indecisive I have been within my life when it comes to setting for myself an actual plan – a practical and clear goal to achieve that honors my living, my principles, and is a statement of the process that I am walking – and I see that as much as I want to blame my financial situations in the past years, the relationships that I had in my life, the living situations and environments I was in, or just plain chalking it up to the idea that “this is just the way it is for me” - I see and realize that although my family, my financial situation, the networks of relationships that were available to me did in fact have an effect upon who I would become and what I would make a 'part of me', the fact remains that I was still responsible for every experience, every thought, every moment of my participation, but still allowed myself to remain generally apathetic about my life – having adopted and molded my main personality into a being that would just 'go with it' and accept mediocrity, and never strive to complete a goal or a task, or aspire to a level of mastery or competency within a skill or a new field of work... it is like I have, for many years of my life, deliberately stunted myself and decided that I was just “not good enough” and that I just shouldn't try to do new things, learn new skills, take on more responsibilities because apparently I was just “not good enough” and I would eventually just end up failing anyway, so best to just make do with what I have – just put up with it – even if I see that I am in a position of self-diminishment – even if I see that I am compromising myself and allowing myself to be taken advantage of or that I am allowing abuse by my inaction and acceptance in order to 'fit in' and not 'rock the boat'.
A pattern within my life that has been quite predominant is the point of just taking the first job that I can get, the first relationship that is available at a moment, and not actually considering whether or not such a job or such a relationship would in fact be best for me – whether such a position would in fact support me and be a stable point upon which I could build myself – support myself – expand myself.
Rather, the tendency and pattern that I have lived in my life is to take whatever is given – whatever comes my way, and make it work – stick it out – don't complain – always strive to do more, work harder, give up more of myself – because apparently I am not worth it – I am not 'good enough' for anything else, even if the job that I have or the relationship that I have does not actually support me, is not actually best for me, and will only lead to further diminishment of me if I remain and do not change or walk away – because always I made the point personal – it was always just 'my fault' and I was just not 'good enough' for anything else – and within this I wanted to prove that I was 'normal' – that I was in fact 'good enough' and the way I would do it would be to 'stick it out' – to put up with and accept abuse and exploitation of me – as though the amount of self-diminishment and self-accepted abuse would somehow end up working in my favor and something better will just come along if I am patient enough – if I do a good enough job of just 'fitting in' and doing as the others are doing.
Rarely, if ever, did I actually sit down with myself, and really slow myself down and look at what it is that I was accepting and allowing in my life and why I was accepting and allowing it. Anything bad – anything that was not working – I would simply blame myself for and not allow myself to take self-responsibility for the point – and thus suppress it and justify it with things like “this is just the best I can do right now” or “this is the way it has to be for me” but not actually, self-honestly, assessing what is best – and whether the choices and decisions that I was making were in fact supportive ones that would ensure that I keep expanding and developing myself to be the best that I am able to be in this life. Rarely, if ever, did I stop and consider doing something for myself – to drive myself, push myself, and in a way 'fight' for something that was a statement of self, a respect for self, an honoring of the life and beingness that I am.
So in the blogs to follow I will be opening up this general question -
“What I am doing with my life, and why am I not doing something else?” with a specific focus on the point of believing that I am “not good enough”
As before I will be breaking this point down into component dimensions so that I can walk the details of this point and provide myself with practical support.
I begin with a general structure for myself within the dimensions and points that I will be walking -
The General Point -
Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.
The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)
I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?
I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?
My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?
If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?
Fears – (Pictures)
Seeing myself 'stuck' doing my current job and participating in the same points and relationship dynamics.
Having to compromise myself and place myself within relationships and situations where I do not live my commitments or honor my self-honesty in order to keep my job.
Seeing myself stuck 'for years' doing the same thing just because there is no other option for me.
Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and life the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.
Fears – (Backchat)
I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments.
I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni.
I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world.
Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.
Okay – so those are the foundation points that I will be walking and working through in the posts to follow.