Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Here I begin to walk this point of asking myself “What am I doing with my life?”, which is a continuation of a series -

Introduction to the General Point -

The General Point -

Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Ok first I would like to begin with the actual physical point that has been a persistent trigger – which is where I come home from work and instead of sitting down and moving myself within my tasks and assignments and participating in projects that I would like to align myself with and walk with, there is first the experience of having to 'bring myself back', where it often takes me a while to 'remember' what it is that I am doing, the process that I am walking, the realizations that I have had, the points that I have opened up and investigated, and during this experience each night I come to realize just how separated I have become from my own living, and just how far I have allowed myself to be directed entirely by the mind – through thoughts, pictures, ideas, backchat, memories, and experiences – to such a degree that I have created full and complete personalities that literally live through me throughout my day, that I experience it often as a point of friction and conflict within myself to then stop, slow down, and bring myself back HERE.

I see how I have for quite a while now allowed myself to simply 'deal with' things in a manner where I will just adapt to a situation and justify the situation and make it 'okay', and then any friction or conflict that I experience I will take personally and blame myself for or I will project the blame outwards and blame other people, or my environment, or simply blame the state of the world, of humanity, of existence for being the 'way it is'.

While I see it is important to bring points back to self, and ensure that one walks through any points of projection/blame, it is also important to not deliberately place oneself or keep oneself within a situation that is physically, practically not supportive or sustainable in terms of one's ability to move and expand effectively in this world.

A point that has been 'bubbling' within me for some time now is my relationship and experience toward my current job and living situation – a point that I have not actually given myself the time or the courage to investigate and really clear up for myself because I would always just brush it off and tell myself that I need this job, I need to maintain this living situation, I need to HOLD ON to all of this and keep things in CONTROL, and thus I would justify the conflicts and frictions within myself and constantly and continuously pass it off as things that I simply don't have time to deal with because apparently I need to focus, I need my strength to keep doing the same things over and over – I need the stamina to keep suppressing myself until maybe, if I keep this up long enough, things will get better because I have 'worked hard', and THEN I can investigate myself and sort myself out... but until then I have to keep pushing down my resistances and conflicts, and essentially martyr myself to my own mind – to my emotions, reactions, backchat, conflicts, and frictions that I experience throughout my days.

As I write this point out now I see and realize that I do not yet have a full perspective – that I do not yet have all the pieces together – but that is okay because that is what I am here to give to myself, because I have seen and realized that everything is already HERE – that the 'pieces' that I am not one and equal with in myself didn't vanish – didn't just drop out of existence to leave me an 'incomplete' mess – the solution, the actual physical history of it all, is right HERE, and always has been – so as I write this point out and give myself clarity, I commit myself to slow myself down and establish a point of self-trust in understanding that as I release myself and clear up the points of conflict and friction that I myself am generating, as I peel away the justifications and thoughts and ideas, I equalize myself with the parts that I now experience as in pieces, and within this there is no fear or worry that I will not be able to 'find myself' or 'put it back together' – I am already 'complete' and what requires to be corrected now is my own relationship to the completeness that I already am – my own relationship hangups and separations from the solution that I already am.

Ok – now back to the initial point of seeing and experiencing myself as having to 'bring myself back' when I get home from work and where I experience conflict and friction as I must slow myself back down and in a way walk out of the personalities and energetic buildups and accumulated backchat that I would allow throughout my day.

Self-Forgiveness -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate within investigating and working with this point of experiencing myself having to actually push myself back into my own body and within this to have spent many months justifying and creating excuses as to why this is 'not a big deal', when in fact this is a clear indication that I am allowing myself to live in separation from my own self and that I am allowing my mind as thoughts, personalities, self-interest, and energy to influence, direct, and move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within a point of convincing myself that I am tired and that I simply do not have what it takes to direct myself within anything other than paying my bills, doing my job, and trying to just 'survive' and 'make the best' of my current situation, then justify the personalities and backchats and energetic possessions that I create and allow throughout my days, since I have already given myself permission by believing that my life is just going to be what it is and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I may as well minimize the conflict, the friction, the resistances by giving in to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I get home from work and there is a moment where the relationships and energies and conflicts that I experience and participate in at work are no longer 'active', there is a moment where the energy is no longer being fed and sustained and as those points 'collapse' I define myself within and as that 'collapse', and thus believe that the 'collapse' is who I am, that I am tired, that I am drained, that I am suddenly no longer 'who I am', and to within that experience then take it personally – personifying that 'collapse' as 'I am collapsing' and thus 'my life is collapsing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience and backchat of 'I don't know who I am or what I am doing with my life” is a valid statement, and to simply accept that statement as how I am going to further justify my experiences and my participation and relationship to my own living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider that I am able to be here with the question of “What am I doing with my life?” and practically answer the question from a starting point of self-responsibility instead of self-judgment and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for experiencing conflict and friction when I get home from work and realize that I have given in to backchat, thoughts, pictures, personalities, and was not in fact HERE within each moment, and to make this personal and 'bad' instead of slowing myself down and seeing what exactly it is that I am doing, participating in, not letting go of, or still afraid to change in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated with myself, and to often throw a tantrum with myself over how angry and frustrated I am when I get home from work and experience the point of resistance and conflict and just do not want to move myself within my assignments and writing and then feeling sorry and bad for myself because I am apparently not standing up for life and then beat myself up because how could I ever change myself or make a difference in this world if I am still controlled and influenced and directed by my resistances and still allowing myself to participate in personalities and energy within the mind throughout my days, to such an extend that I feel like a stranger to myself when I get home?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize and walk my process within the understanding that this is nothing NEW – that I did not 'become' detached and separated from myself – that this separation from myself and the extremes of this separation have existed within me for the majority of my life here on earth and now I am beginning to learn, expand myself, and be able to understand myself, become intimate with myself, and change myself for real – and within this there are no short-cuts – my process is unique to the process of my self-creation and in my self-creation thus far I have not been aware – I have invested myself into many personalities and mind experiences and at the moment I am in conflict and mis-alignment with the stability of the physical that I already am – so when I come home and realize that I was not here and that I allowed myself to give in to the mind, give in to the energy, and allow myself to be posessed by the mind, it is nothing to become angry about or frustrated about – because I am aware that this has been going on for all of my life and I am aware even throughout the day that I am not in fact fully here, fully directing myself, and have placed more trust in my mind and my personalities than in my self-trust and self-honesty – so in this awareness there isn't anything really to BECOME angry about – there is no 'new' realization here that I am not currently one and equal with my mind.

Thus – I commit myself to, when and as I am home from a day of participating within the mind and allowing myself to give in to the energy addiction and personalities, not further get angry or frustrated with myself and then use that anger and frustration to further fuel and power the resistance to forgive myself, to unconditionally support myself, to write, to investigate, and to humbly restore my self-honesty, my self-intimacy, my self-care.

I commit myself to, when and as that moment comes where I am home and see that I had given in to the mind throughout the day, realize that this is the step toward deliberate self-manipulation and a way for me to get more energy and to then go into self-judgment and giving up and putting on a show of “I am fucking up and I don't know what I am doing with my life and I am such a loser, etc., etc.” because there is absolutely no reason for me to become angry or upset over something that I am deliberately accepting and allowing myself to participate in throughout my entire day and only react to it at the end of the night lol lol.

I commit myself to insist upon self-honesty here in realizing that I am indeed allowing for myself to be directed by the mind throughout the day and especially when I am at work, and that this participation is deliberate and specific – thus it is not evil or some mystery that must hide from myself, so instead of coming home and then 'magically' realizing that I was in my mind and not directing myself when I am getting ready to do my nightly writing and self-forgiveness, I instead will myself to really forgive myself in each of those moments, move through the resistance, and support myself within writing – so that I stop judging and reacting and thus defending my participation and instead explore and take responsibility for my participation, and work with myself to find practical ways to stop it – so that when the question comes up of “what am I doing with my life”, I am already living the answer.

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