Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Day 98 - The Lie of "I am STUCK and Can't UNSTICK Myself"
Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
The General Point -
Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.
The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)
I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?
I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?
My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?
If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?
Here are the Points I have written out thus far -
Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"
The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"
Tonight I will begin taking a look at the fears that are in relation to the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?" when it comes to my current experience at work
Fears – (Pictures)
Seeing myself 'stuck' doing my current job and participating in the same points and relationship dynamics.
Having to compromise myself and place myself within relationships and situations where I do not live my commitments or honor my self-honesty in order to keep my job.
Seeing myself stuck 'for years' doing the same thing just because there is no other option for me.
Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and life the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.
Ok so it is clear that within this words I am allowing myself to place myself into the role of the 'victim' where I am apparently 'stuck' and apparently I am 'forced' to comromise myself - which is indicating that I am blaming and projecting blame instead of taking self-responsibility within how I am experiencing myself and for allowing the compromise to exist within and as me.
Firstly, the picture of "Seeing myself 'stuck' doing my current job and participating in the same points and relationship dynamics."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'stuck' in my current situation and to simply remain 'stuck' within and as my experience and relationship to the point - where I have not allowed myself to see and realize that it has nothing in fact to do with my job, but rather what I am accepting and allowing myself to react to, to judge, and not take self-responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the picture of seeing myself 'stuck' doing the same job for the rest of my life to exist within and as me, and to charge that picture with a negative energy where I will feel tired and drained and sink into a point of self-pity when and as that picture comes up.
I stop. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative charge toward this picture in order to then justify and give in to the polarity experience of feeling 'good' and 'positive' when I am not at work or when I am doing things that I define as 'fun' and thus 'better than' work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt and shame within my daily participations at work, wherein I am separating myself from what is here and what I require to do and instead of simply doing what is required in the moment, I instead backchat and generate thoughts and reactions and opinions about what I am doing which does nothing but feed my own mind, feed my ego, feed my self-interest and self-righteousness, and keeps me separated from seeing directly the consequences of my participation and acceptances/allowances, keeping myself busy with generating guilt and shame and then trying to justify the conflicts and frictions, going back and forth between the polarity of feeling bad about what I am accepting and allowing within myself and then convincing myself that I deserve to 'feel good' as a way to 'cope with' how I am feeling and experiencing myself, within this trapped in the fuzzy logic of feeling bad, then trying to do something about how I feel and suppressing it so that I can 'deal with it later', only to find that later I once again feel 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, and LIVE the realization that blaming myself, or blaming my work for how I am experiencing myself as being 'stuck' and 'having to' participate in certain relationship dynamics is like me stubbing my toe and then blaming the object that I bumped my toe into or blaming my physical body for not seeing where I am going and thus 'forcing me' to bump into something that ended up hurting me.
I give myself the opportunity and responsibility here and now to write, assess, and support myself within taking my current living and working and participation into consideration so that I clear up the fog within the mind and see clearly what is in fact best and how I am able to practically and effectively align and support myself within my work and within my living as I answer the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
I commit myself to 'unstuck' myself and remove this picture of seeing me 'stuck' doing my current job, which implies that I am still participating in the same conflicts and frictions and thus creating for myself the experience of being 'stuck' and 'powerless' by writing out this point in detail and practically supporting myself to develop a clear understanding and assessment.
I commit myself to stop, delete, and remove this picture of seeing myself 'stuck' at my current job which is simply a projection of me not working through my resistances and backchat and fears and conflicts that arise within my relationship to myself and my relationship to the job that I have now, which is simply a point of self-manipulation so that I in fact manifest myself as 'stuck' at my job and not 'getting anywhere' because the only movement that I am making is within my mind and not within my actual, practical living.
I commit myself to STOP beating myself up and to STOP manipulating myself with pictures and fears in relation to me not 'getting anywhere' and experiencing myself as a 'victim' - because I am in fact NOT a victim to what I myself am creating in my world. Thus the practical solution that I now live is to support myself within writing this point out in detail, so that I see and understand intimately HOW I am creating this experience of victimization - and HOW I have separated myself from the point of self-creation within what I am now experiencing, which I shall walk in the posts to follow.