Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Day 99 - The Lie of "There is No Proof of My Crime Against Self"

Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -

Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

The Questions Leading to this Point – (Thoughts)

I do not know if I am in the best position for myself. Am I in the right/best position?

I do not want to keep experiencing myself as lost and having no direction. How/why do I experience myself as 'lost' and having no direction, as thought I am just being strung along as my life unfolds?

My job and the way that I am living my life currently does not seem to 'fit' who I am and my awareness of self. Am I compromising myself within my work and how I am living?

If my life were to be an example for all who are facing similar points or questions, what example do I want to live, that others may be supported in walking this point? What example am I currently living?

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 
Day 99 - The Lie of "There is No Proof of My Crime Against Self"  (Today)

Here is the continuation of walking through the fears/pictures related to me answering the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

Fears (Pictures)
Having to compromise myself and place myself within relationships and situations where I do not live my commitments or honor my self-honesty in order to keep my job.

Seeing myself stuck 'for years' doing the same thing just because there is no other option for me.

Seeing myself go “fuck it... I might as well just join them” and within this making a decision to live a 'normal life' and just make money, spend it on entertainment, and try to get into a relationship and 'fit in' with the rest of the world and life the rest of my life allowing my thoughts/emotions/fears direct me.


Tonight I am walking the point of "Having to compromise myself and place myself within relationships and situations where I do not live my commitments or honor my self-honesty in order to keep my job."

In this blog I will be making reference to the "shadow self" which is a concept that is explained in the Creation's Journey to Life blog. For a full understanding and context of what I am walking now I suggest first reading the following blog posts to have an understanding of the "shadow" that I refer to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the relationships and situations of my current living environment and to form a relationship of victimization to my own life, wherein I convince myself that I "have to" compromise myself and that I "have to" participate in things that I experience as being not in alignment with my principles and self-responsibility - and within this relationship of victimizing myself to my own life, NOT see and realize that as long as I convince myself that I am NOT absolutely responsible for my own living and for the relationships and circumstances of my life, then I will constantly create for myself an alternate reality in my own mind where I deliberately do NOT take self-responsibility and constantly and continuously simply blame my environment and everyone else instead of being my own point of self-direction and self-change, within seeing and being aware that I am in fact the one who is allowing my 'shadow self' - the inner, secret, deliberately self-interested beingness of me to remain in control and hide behind the illusion of being 'powerless' to change my living and my life and the nature of relationships that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a self-manipulation tactic to not see and push myself to understand HOW it is that I have specifically created my current living experiences - where I will use the excuse of fearing to face myself and fearing to change as a way to deliberately continue allowing my 'shadow self' to continue - where I deliberately 'choose' the path that I already know and see will lead me only towards further destruction - further diminishment - and further remaining another person just 'fitting in' and thus accepting and allowing the abuse of this world to continue as though it is somehow acceptable just because 'everyone else is doing it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose my experiences and backchat and self-interest so that I can be 'right' and that I can justify my 'experience' instead of doing what I require to do to practically ensure that my participation in this world relfects my understanding and awareness and commitment to LIFE - where I allow myself to do what I 'feel' and will honor how I 'experience myself' instead of letting go of my personal preferences and self-interest so that I am able to take into actual consideration what is in fact best for all and doing what is best for all DESPITE any protest or resistance that may experience.

I commit myself to keep pushing myself through points of resistance and internal 'protest' when there is a clear point before me where I require to direct myself and do that which I see is actually best for all and is a reflection of my understanding and awareness of self-responsibility - because I see clearly that if my 'interest' and my 'preference' is in conflict with doing what is best for all, then my 'interest' and 'preference' is in fact EVIL - is in fact contrary to honoring the LIFE that is here, and as long as I allow myself to keep listening to and giving in to that which is contrary to what is best for all life - then by my own acceptance and allowance I sabotage myself, corrupt myself, and exclude myself from trustworthiness and exclude myself from being an equal participant of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am 'having to compromise myself' and 'having to participate in unsupportive relationships' and to leave it at that, so that I am able to NOT investigate and NOT support myself or honor myself within finding how HOW it is that I am compromising myself and HOW it is that I continue to allow it - so that I can always blame something outside of me - something 'beyond my control' - as though there was ever any OTHER being that has been here, in this body, walking this life, observing and allowing the the thoughts, pictures, backchat, and emotions and feelings in each moment of breath - as though I was not in fact HERE and therefore cannot be held accountable for what I live and allow to exist within me.

I commit myself to place myself HERE at the very scene of the crime - to dedicate myself to slow down and stop running away from responsibility by blaming my situation or experiences on external points and to stop trapping myself within the polarity game of "good cop", "bad cop" - where I deliberately do 'bad' things as a means to justify getting what I want, and then try to 'smooth it over' with myself by trying to do 'good' things and 'making an effort to do better' - instead of getting directly to the point, standing up within and as myself so that I STOP making choices and decisions based on my experiences and self-interest, as well as STOP judging myself and trying to 'make up for' the times I have fallen within my self-consistency and self-honesty by trying to 'do more', or 'do better' or try to validate myself through others.

I commit myself to walk through this point of questioning "What Am I Doing With My Life" and reacting within a negative way where I blame my self-dissatisfaction on self-created victimhood to instead STOP this pattern of believing that I am 'forced' by something outside of myself to participate in the relationship dynamics of my current environment and to compromise myself within my living and self-agreement - to bring myself back HERE so that I can see clearly and mathematically what I am accepting and allowing, how I am creating my current experience, how I am responsible for my relationships and participation in this world with family, work, associates, and with myself - and to do the necessary corrections no matter what - even and especially when the correction requires that I go against my 'character' and causes conflict or friction as I walk the point of change - because if the conflict and resistance is a barrier keeping me from always doing what is best for all without fear or hesitation, then the conflict and resistance is not in fact serving me or protecting me - and thus I have no obligation to listen to or allow myself to be directed by such resistances and conflicts or to believe in any way that I can get away with lying to myself, manipulating myself, and deliberately diminishing myself to fit the mold of personalities and characters and self limitations - as though 'nothing happened' as long as I suppress the memory or justify my decisions with experiences and self-interest.

I stop and delete this picture and idea that I am 'forced' to keep doing what I am doing - to keep choosing to banish and chase away the 'shadow' within me and convince myself that I am a good person doing the right thing in 'my situation' as though I am a victim to my own acceptances and allowances.

I stop and delete the picture and idea that some force or being outside of MYSELF is deliberately MAKING ME compromise myself, not honor myself, and deliberately diminish myself, put thoughts in my head, create energetic reactions of feelings and emotions to influence me and my decisions WITHOUT my acceptance and allowance.

I am here. I am the body of evidence to each decision and action that I take. I stop CONning myself into believing that there is 'no proof' as long as I keep it all quiet to myself - make myself an accessory to crime and deliberate self-interest - as long as I make myself the victim - nobody will suspect me of my crimes.

Thus I commit myself to give myself back to myself - in self-direction, in self-awareness - through breathing, slowing down, stopping the mind chatter and pushing myself to question and take responsibility for each thought, desire, picture that comes up within me. I do this through writing consistently to support myself and develop a point of self-intimacy and build a 'language' of self-trust and self-honesty, moving myself physically through points of resistance or reaction, and immediately live and apply my corrective applications to not allow any doubt or back-doors that is able to be abused and exploited in order to ensure I do NOT in fact stand up and CHANGE for REAL.

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