Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 104 - Defusing the Mind-Bomb

Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"

The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

FEARS - (Pictures)

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

FEARS - (Thoughts/Backchat)

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance

Fear - Part 7 : Introducing the "Mind Bomb" 
Day 104 - Defusing The Mind-Bomb (Tonight's Writing) 


Tonight I will continue with the thought/backchat based fears -

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat)

I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments. (Already walked in previous post)

I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni.

I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world.

Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.


Tonight I begin with the second line line -

"I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni."

So here is a clever tactic that I notice myself often falling for - which is where I will try to juggle several different things and try to multitask my way through all of it at once - which is pretty much a guaranteed way to ensure that I never actually get things resolved clearly and with specificity but will eventually end up stumbling or tripping over myself or just getting myself deliberately overwhelmed with more than what is practical to deal with in a moment.

I can see by the way that even that above statement is phrased and worded is kind of like a 'mind bomb' where so many various points and justifications and fears and excuses are kind of tied together into one package and when I allow myself try and process and work with all of that at once it is really like a bomb goes off within me, were I then go into a point of reacting to the sudden and 'massive' amount of points that are opened up, where I send myself going every which way instead of slowing down, walking point my point, and ensuring that I am here and stable and actually looking at things in a way that is grounded, is practical, and is structured in such a way that I do not get myself lost within the confusion of it all and can thus develop coherent and practical solutions.

The forming of such 'mind bombs' are quite intentional in that they are meant as a deliberate way to NOT actually see the issue and instead use any and all points where I am not clear as weapons against myself - anything where I am not directing myself within my self-movement or where I am not satisfied and have not effectively forgiven myself and adjusted/changed myself, becomes another layer to the 'mind bomb'. Once the 'bomb goes off' and I go about then trying to 'piece it all together' in trying to walk and figure out multiple dimensions of a point, eventually it just becomes 'too much' and 'too messy' and then the coup de grace comes in that moment where I say to myself 'forget it... I'll never get through all of this' and *kaboom* I have successfully deterred myself from practical self support due to really blowing things out of proportion and creating the illusion of a 'giant mess' as the mind-bomb explodes and my 'mind is blown'.

Initially, I was going to take each point line by line and walking full dimensions of self-forgiveness and self correction on each part over several posts - but when I actually slow myself down a fascinating point arises - which is that me going into too much detail - from a starting point of fear and wanting to 'get it all right' is yet another tactic of the mind-bomb - wherein I then busy myself with writing out and detailing things to a point where I am not actually changing or taking self-responsibility within PRACTICAL APPLICATION and instead turning this into a 'writing assignment' that is then becomes a point of knowledge/information while the actual window of change closes.

Instead, what I see here as the most practical support for myself, is to here and now immediately debunk this particular mind-bomb by getting to the core of it's components and applying the correction within the context of this series of blogs - because the point of this bomb was simply to stall - the point of it was to generate enough confusion and to get myself lost within trying figure it all out and lose track of what I am here to give myself clarity on.

Thus in tonight's post I will not be allowing this mind-bomb to explode and then try to work with the aftermath - but rather cut the fuses directly, one by one, and not allow this as a point of distracting me from answering the actual point of this series -which is to answer for myself the question of "What am I doing with my life?"

Here I begin breaking down this mind-bomb into core components and applying immediate common sense practical solutions.

"I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize the experience of myself while at work and walking the various relationship dynamics of my co-workers and the environments of the workplace itself within my mind, where I have turned it into a giant 'negative' experience which I am then judging myself for instead of stopping the polarity judgments and giving myself the opportunity to assess my participation with coworkers practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in negative emotional reactions and attaching an overall 'negative' experience to my participation in the relationship dynamics of my workplace and to NOT see and realize that as long as there is a polarity of positive or negative or where I am judging one point as good and another as bad, then I still trapped within the very limited framework of the mind where I will constantly be struggling and fighting from one polarity to another within myself.

I see and realize that this very statement is a statement of polarity where I get myself caught in 'morality' and 'good' versus 'evil' and 'lies' versus 'truth' and thus NOT seeing the totality and actual/practical context of the situation.

I see and realize that there is no morality in the current system of the world the way that I had been taught and the way that it is portrayed in movies and tv, where there are certain things that good people do and certain things that bad people do - which is an absolute separation and delusion because in the current system, the values that are honored and rewarded are NOT what is best for all - and thus the value system itself is skewed.

I commit myself to STOP myself each time I see/notice myself judging myself within a point of morality or 'right/wrong' when considering the point of my participation within the relationship dynamics of my job .

I see and realize that at the moment I require to do what is necessary to ensure that I do not compromise my financial stability as I walk and support myself in this world and within this current system. I understand that having to align myself so that I am able to walk with what is here and actually get to know how things work requires that I let go of my own resistances and self-interest so that I can unconditionally walk in the shoes of others. Thus having a stable point of relationship and communication with my coworkers is necessary, yet I do not require to compromise myself within allowing the relationships to direct me or define me.

I commit myself to SHOW how we as humanity have been living the greatest lie of all for centuries wherein we have given up our actual self-movement and self-awareness over to the energy of the mind, trapping ourselves in polarities of good/bad, right/wrong, lies/truth and in this separating ourselves from each other, from ourselves, from the common sense and practical self-honesty of this reality to such an extent that we now develop relationships within relationships in total and complete separation from each other instead of relationships of actual communication and support in recognizing and honoring the oneness and equality of what we are.

Solution -
Walk with what is here for the moment and do what I can to ensure that I am not compromising my financial stability - and for the moment walk with my co-workers and direct myself within the relationship dynamics and socializing so that I walk one and equal within this system. Stop judging/separating myself from my associates so that I can see/understand their perspective, but do not compromise my own living and principles. Simply realize that I am not at work to change others or convert others to have the same perspective as me - I am there to support myself financially and walk one and equal within the system so that I am able to use my financial position in a way that is best for all.

In the posts to follow I will continue with disarming this mind-bomb by taking on it's other components-

" I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality"

" I am compromising my walking with the group"

"I am compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni."

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