Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 105 - Defusing "Temptations"



Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
 
 
The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

FEARS - (Pictures)

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

FEARS - (Thoughts/Backchat)

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance

Fear - Part 7 : Introducing the "Mind Bomb" 

Fear - Part 8 : Realizing I am more than ready stop temptations
Day 105 - Defusing Temptations
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Tonight I will continue with the thought/backchat based fears in relation to the question "What am I doing with my life?"

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat)

I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments. (Already walked in previous post)

I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni. (Continuing this topic in tonight's post)

I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world.

Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.

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Ok - having established in the previous post that the 'mind bomb' is a tactic to get myself caught up in questions and trying to figure out and multitask several various dimensions of a question instead of practically sorting out the conflicts one point at a time, I am continuing tonight with practical self-support in defusing the remaining components of the 'mind-bomb' that was introduced previously and moving myself back to the context of the question "What am I doing with my life?"
Here are the remaining components -

" I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality"
" I am compromising my walking with the group"
"I am compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni."

For tonight, I will be specifically writing on the point of "I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize and apply self-support within the point of seeing that the only way to in fact STOP giving in to the temptations of the mind - where I give in to thoughts, emotions, pictures, and general mind chatter is to in fact discipline myself and in each moment when/as I see/notice myself drifting off or when I notice a point of temptation within me as an energetic feeling of anticipation or excitement, to STOP as an actual, physical movement to not participate and not allow myself to give in to the energy no matter how appealing it may be, which is a point of discipline that only I can give to myself, and can only be developed by practice and diligence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain and whine about giving in to temptations of the mind and energy as a way to manipulate and further deceive myself into already giving up and abdicating myself - where I am already justifying giving in by making a show of how 'guilty' I feel or how I 'know this is not supporting me' and in that knowing, that somehow I have more leeway to not push myself and be diligent with my application, as though the mere fact of 'knowing' absolves me from self-responsibility in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that by my procrastination and habit of allowing myself slack and allowing myself to 'slide' when I am aware that I am in fact compromising myself and NOT living my self-honesty and self-commitments for real, that I am in fact undermining my entire beingness and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that just realizing what I am doing is NOT enough to stop the actual cycles of self-compromise and that the only way to in fact change me - is to ensure that I am HERE and that I am deliberately changing me by placing myself 'in and as the body' of me in each moment, in each participation, to not allow my movements, my words, my participation in this world to be automated and thus based on energetic experiences and preferences - but to ensure that whatever I do and in whatever environment or context I am in, I do what I require to do in order to practically support myself, taking into consideration what is best for all - and finding a way to do what requires to be done in a way that does not diminish or compromise me or my commitment to being a part of the necessary change in this world - of which the first change must be the change of self from existing as characters and personalities in the mind, to existing HERE as a self-directed, self-willed being that is capable of doing, at all times, without hesitation, that which is best for all without fear or self-imposed limitations.

Thus to practically answer myself in terms of how to direct myself within "giving into the temptations of the mind and personality" in considering "What am I doing with my life?" -

I commit myself to STOP the illusion of having 'struggle' and 'conflict' within myself and realize that the conflict and struggle are simply points of self-interest where I am NOT wanting to face and take direct responsibility for what I am allowing myself to participate in and thus stand equal to - thus I commit myself to reveal to myself in intimate detail how I had created that very point of conflict, how it is that I am now experiencing this conflict, and how I am able to support myself to STOP it in my internal as well as external world.

I commit myself to BE the living solution to the question of "what do I do if/when I see I am giving in to the temptations of the mind/personality" by STOPPING myself effectively and consistently when I see and notice myself in a point where I face temptation in my world - whether it is the temptation to give in to laziness and allow myself to manipulate and deceive myself with excuses and justifications, or the temptation to wander off into my thoughts and have private/personal alternate realities in which I play out scenarios and fantasies that I do not dare to let others see, yet still commit within myself as a 'secret', or the temptation to just 'one more time' allow myself to give in to a moment of energetic stimulation that is NOT self-directed or an expression of me in fact.

I see and realize that going 'oh, woe is me... I am still falling for the same temptations and self-defined limitations/fears' is NOT in any way going to assist and support me - rather I commit to giving myself the time, the patience, the actual self-care to slow down and really take things into practical consideration, slow myself down and ground myself through self-will that will become a new foundation upon which to build my self-integrity and self-trust.

Yes, I see and realize that at the moment I am still not absolute in my self-direction and my discipline within stopping the habitual pattern of going into the 'quantum mind' - where I very quickly lose myself, lose my grounding, and go off into tangents of thoughts, pictures, memories, and energetic experiences - and within this I also realize that I am walking a process - that I am not in any way going to be able to really sort myself out if I do not walk the actual process of unraveling the tangles that I have created in the years of my life that I have spent in my mind.

I commit myself here and now to STOP and realign my starting point within me to not be based on a desire to stop the quantum mind - or a desire to already be 'done' with the walking of my process so that I can then experience myself in a different way - a 'better' way - which is still rooted in self-interest instead of being based on walking this process as a point of self-integrity - that how I may be able to experience myself or whether or not my life will get 'easier' or 'clearer' must NOT influence my commitment and decision to do what is best for all.

PRACTICAL solution TO BE LIVED -

I have already seen and proven to myself that I am indeed aware of each moment and that I am indeed responsible in each moment for what I accept and allow.

Thus each time I see myself before a point of temptation where my mind goes racing, and I experience an energetic anticipation of knowing that I am about to let myself do something that I am AWARE is not supporting me, is not self-honest, and is based on self-interest and self-indulgence , and there is the inner voice that says "Just one more time. Nobody else has to know." I immediately STOP myself, I do NOT allow myself to further participate in the pattern or temptation. I forgive myself, I clear myself, and re-commit myself to NOT allowing myself to be influenced or directed or have my self-integrity compromised in deliberately allowing myself to fall for that which I am AWARE is not supporting me and will only cause me to diminish myself, compromise myself, and prolong my process of change.

For the points in my life that require more detailed walking and self-change which require more 'time' to effectively integrate, I give myself the courage, devotion, and patience to not rush and try to get to the finish but instead ensure that what I am able to do now, here, in this very moment is practical and effective and will slowly but surely - with CERTAINTY - allow me to walk what is necessary to achieve the change that I want to create, realizing that when I slow myself down in this way I can simply focus on the immediate points - the practical points - one point to the next and in each moment giving my full participation and self-attention and standing back up immediately if I stumble, and I thus keep walking, breath by breath until it is done.

In terms of what I am doing with my life - this applies within not beating myself up over things that I cannot in self-honesty immediately manifest because that is completely absurd and pointless and will only prolong the process. As I continue this series I will flesh out in greater clarity and detail a plan for myself as I walk through layer by layer the resistances and 'mind-bombs' that I had placed as a way to hide from self-responsibility and confuse myself from giving myself a clear direction.

Interestingly - in writing this all out I see that I am quite well prepared for working through this point of 'what do I do when there is a point of temptation' - so now to utilize this preparedness, live this preparedness as myself, to now really establish the self-walking and self-trust that I have been 'scripting' for myself. 

In the posts to follow I will be continuing with the remaining components of -
"I am compromising my walking with the group" and "I am compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni."

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