Sunday, November 4, 2012

Day 106 - Defusing Fear as an Excuse



Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
 
 

The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.


Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

FEARS - (Pictures)

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

FEARS - (Thoughts/Backchat)

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance

Fear - Part 7 : Introducing the "Mind Bomb" 

Fear - Part 8 : Realizing I am more than ready stop temptations
Day 105 - Defusing Temptations

Fear - Part 9 : Nothing to Fear. Not even Fear itself. 
Day 106 - Defusing Fear as an Excuse (Tonight's Writing)

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Tonight I will continue with the thought/backchat based fears in relation to the question "What am I doing with my life?"

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat)

I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments. (Already walked in previous post)

I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni.
(Continuing this topic in tonight's post)

I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world.

Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.

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Tonight I am walking the conclusion of the "mind bomb" which opened up in the previous two posts of this blog. The remaining components of the "mind bomb" are -

"I am compromising my walking with the group"

"I am compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that me compromising my ability to walk with the group that is desteni and participating to the best of my ability can only happen though my own acceptance and allowance, and thus the point to realize here is NOT to simply point out that I am compromising myself and not participating to the best of my potential in doing whatever it takes to support those who have dedicated themselves and their entire lives to the walking of this process and the commitment of bringing forward and actual and practical understanding about the mess that we have created and furthermore to implement practical solutions based on how this reality actually functions and not on theories and ideologies that sound nice - that make us feel good - that fill us with hope - because those ideologies never become real and are always based on the hope that things will just get better without our actual intervention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus deliberately, though my acceptance and allowance, compromise myself and my ability to fully walk and participate with the group due to my own self-interest which I justify as 'fear' - where I allow my actions to still be directed by the fear of failure, fear of isolation, fear of mistakes - and in this to NOT see and realize what I am already living and becoming because of this very starting point and acceptance within myself of the illusion of fear - where I am already compromising myself in not doing what is necessary to be done in my life to ensure that I am stable and can support myself effectively without compromising my integrity due to fearing to actually stand up, dare to walk out of my comfort zone, dare to step into the darkness of the unknown and face the demons that I myself had created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the thought/idea of "I am compromising my walking with the group" into a fear and thus justify not immediately correcting myself and creating excuses as to why it is apparently 'okay' that I, at least for the moment, deliberately allow myself to diminish and compromise myself, my integrity, my principles, my commitments, all in the name of fear which is really self-interest and not wanting to let go of the things that I have come to define myself as - the things that make me feel and believe that I am 'alive' even though my life is NOT being lived in a way that is satisfactory or a reflection/expression of me as a real being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that, just for the moment, I am justified in NOT honoring my self-integrity and self-honesty by ensuring that my participation is always aligned within what is best for all and NOT just what is convenient and comfortable and enjoyable for the idea of "me" - and to NOT see and realize that by creating and participating in, and then separating myself from FEARS, I am immobilizing myself and deliberately diminishing myself by creating and making up scenarios for me to 'deal with' and 'struggle with' so that I can remain in my characters of 'trying to overcome adversity' and 'trying to deal with conflict' - instead of breathing, walking, and NOT stopping or allowing myself to participate in energy or dramatizing what I require to do and what I am responsible for in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately thus hide all of the things that I have NOT taken responsibility for behind the illusion of fears, which I then separate myself from and convince myself that the fears of 'greater than me' and that I just don't have what it takes to fight that fear right now... because I've got other things I'm busy struggling with, so my self-integrity within walking with a group that stands as an actual SOLUTION for this world will just have to wait.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually afraid of the things that I have not taken self-responsibility for and given direction to when that very point of fear is my own creation, as I create and make up thoughts and pictures and contexts and take specific feelings/emotions and memories/experience out of context to form the fears that I hide my self-interest behind, so that I do not in fact get to the actual change and actually live my self-integrity, but will instead keep myself busy fighting bogey-men of my own creation.

I see and realize that though the years - through all of the apparent pitfalls and 'negative' events of my life, there has been one single point that has remained constant and stable - and that point has been the message - the core - of desteni - which is not about personality or trying to save the world or make a point - it is about realizing that we are in all ways responsible for EVERYTHING - and that responsibility is all inclusive down to every single thought we participate in and then try to hide or pretend it isn't there just because nobody else apparently can see it. That is the beauty of the message - it is not about believing or following desteni - the message is self-evident. The message is self-honesty. The message is self-responsibility in no longer playing the game of fear and separation within ourselves, driving ourselves actually insane and becoming dangers to ourselves and to this world because we have lost all sense of integrity, have given ourselves up wholly and completely to 'consciousness' and to ideas about ourselves that are contrary and conflicting with living in a way that is best for all, that is supportive of all, and then to defend the 'right' - the 'privilege' to live according to our minds, our feelings, our opinions, without even understanding how our own minds work, how our thoughts are created, or how this physical reality actually functions.

I see and realize that allowing myself to fall for the very fears that I myself am creating is an absurd way to spend the rest of the time I have available in my life and is a waste of potential, and that continuing to allow those fears as excuses to not move and direct myself is NOT something I look forward to explaining to existence when I am dead and my opportunity to make a change - to actually stand up - to actually make a physical and real impact within walking with and supporting a group to get this done, passed me by because I gave in to my self-created fears.

I commit myself to walk, to align, to adjust, to correct myself each and every time I see that I am allowing myself to hold myself back, to isolate myself, to NOT live myself and my life within self-integrity, to really investigate and map out and walk the correction of that point in total commitment and detail - and within this to give myself the absolute patience within walking through my layers of fear, understanding that just as it has been a life-long investment of giving in to my fears and subordinating myself to my own living, it is a life-long investment to now STOP and bring myself back to the point of authority - the point of actual innocence where I re-establish my relationship with self and with what is here in this reality - which can only be done through walking myself BACK, forgiving myself of my thoughts, separations, and madness in this life and get back to the origin - the actual source of me, and from there to build again a life of integrity not just for myself, but for all.

Thus - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose faith' in myself, to lose confidence in myself, to lose self-trust and self-integrity and within this to allow self-sabotage and self-created fears to dominate and influence me in my walking, my living, my decisions, my thoughts, my words, and my outlook/perspective and thus isolate myself and seclude myself from walking as part of a group that is in fact standing up in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT blog, NOT vlog, NOT ensure that my living, my relationships, my movement, my participation is always best for all because of having placed my self-trust, my self-integrity, outside of myself and thus have waited for some sign, some indication from something, somewhere, someone, of what I need to do to, what I need to prepare for, what I need to accomplish to set things 'right' again with myself and my life - as though such an answer can come from anywhere, anything, anyone other than SELF.

I commit myself to utilize this tool of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to clear up, debunk, and walk through the actual points of fear that I am creating and not taking self-responsibility for as I answer the question "What Am I Doing With My Life" in this series.

In the posts to follow I will begin with the next point of backchat/thoughts that came up within me when I asked myself the question "What am I doing with my life?" which is -

"I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world."

That looks to be quite 'juicy' and I am certain many in this world have considered such a question - so I look forward to walking this point in the posts to follow.

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