Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 107 - Waiting For My Purpose


Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
 
 
The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

FEARS - (Pictures)

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

FEARS - (Thoughts/Backchat)

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance

Fear - Part 7 : Introducing the "Mind Bomb" 

Fear - Part 8 : Realizing I am more than ready stop temptations
Day 105 - Defusing Temptations

Fear - Part 9 : Nothing to Fear. Not even Fear itself. 

Fear - Part 10 : Waiting for a Sign to Know My Special Purpose
Day 107 - Defusing the Need To Be a Savior (TONIGHT'S POST)
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Tonight I will continue with the thought/backchat based fears in relation to the question "What am I doing with my life?"

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat)

I don't know how to do anything else – I don't know how to support myself in this system without compromising myself and my commitments. (Already walked in previous post)

I am living a lie within trying to keep my job and participate in relationships at the office and I am giving in to the temptations of the mind and personality and I am compromising my walking with the group and compromising within my ability to write and do vlogs and participate fully on the forums and discussions at desteni. (See previous post for this)

I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world. (Tonight's writing)

Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this.


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Tonight I am writing on a point that has been quite prominent and I am certain many have faced, or are facing now, or may face similar questions and concerns within themselves as we walk this process and as more and more we come face to face with our own inner demons, our own 'shadow selves' and we must answer for ourselves the question of "What am I doing with my life" and realize that answering such a question self-honestly is difficult - and perhaps more difficult than being self-honest with ourselves and the actual nature of what we have allowed ourselves to become throughout our lives - the extent to which we have not been HERE, in the shaping and living of the 'life' that we have defined as our own - is the realization that simply becoming aware of our condition and of our self-honesty is NOT enough - that there comes with realization a responsibility, and it is the degree to which one actually LIVES that responsibility that one is able to really, truly, practically give ourselves back to ourselves - meaning to STOP giving in to the games and excuses and the sorrows and actually stand up to make sure that we stop compromising ourselves when we see/realize we are compromising ourselves - that we stand up and direct our lives when we see we are allowing ourselves to be directed by influences that are NOT assisting us or humanity within living a better quality of life - that we actually, really, in a measurable way STOP and no longer fool ourselves into thinking or believing that our good intentions or our fears or our resistances to doing what is best for all are in any way justifiable or excusable or will in any way change the consequences of our actions, our decisions, our words, our very living - no matter how much guilt we are able to drum up and feel about what we have done and what we are still doing and no matter how well we sell the idea that we are good people caught in bad situations and thus we cannot be expected to do anything about our own living and thus deliberately give in to the 'status quo' and watching dispassionately as our world crumbles from our very own deliberate act of separating ourselves and saying "No, I am not responsible. There is nothing I can do." - when it is this very apathy and absence of LIFE and responsibility that is - I was going to say "slowly but surely" but actually the world is coming apart and people are coming apart faster than in any other period of our history, though the "surely" part remains certain.

To bring the context back to ME in tonight's writing and who I am in considering this question and seeing that I am indeed still holding back and still giving away concessions and allowing backdoors through which I sabotage myself instead of making sure that I am standing in the best way possible, and NOT satisfied with my self-honest answer of "What am I doing with my Life?" because I still see where I have not fully committed, fully dedicated myself - where I still allow the 'ghosts' of the past - my memories, experiences, beliefs, opinions, thoughts, and all of the 'unfinished business' that I have accumulated within myself through the years - still influence and direct me and compromise me in my decisions - and here, again to assist and support myself within the realization that 'knowing' that this is unacceptable is NOT ENOUGH - that my responsibility to myself and to the life that I am given does not end with writing and self-forgiveness and coming to a self-realization and "knowing". My responsibility is to LIVE the self-forgiveness, the self-correction - and BECOME the very words that I write in my self-support, and STOP that which diminishes me, compromises me, and when I am stable and stand within this no matter what, to then assist and support all to do the same - that we actually take this reality - this world - back into our own hands and NEVER again allow what has become of LIFE in our absence, our neglect, and our abuse.


Tonight, I continue with self-forgiveness and self-correction within the thought and backchat of - 

"I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while this life, the only life I have, is slipping away, and I don't want to end up dying without having actually lived – or contributed in a real way to make a difference in this world."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for my own life and to believe that this fear is in any way real or an actual/justifiable excuse/reason to STOP now - regardless of how 'old' I am and regardless of what others my think and regardless of what specific points I require to walk through or how much time or effort I believe that is going to take - because I see and realize that seeing and realizing is NOT enough and that seeing and realizing is NOT a gift to be squandered and is NOT something that makes me special or better than anyone else - that me having been shown through participating in this process that I am responsible for my life, my experiences, my thoughts, and therefore responsible for the consequences of my acceptances and allowances - is not magically going to change my life for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point 'bigger than what it actually, practically is' by going into reactions and feelings about it - where I make myself feel bad and feel guilty and throw a pity party for how my life is "slipping away" when I have not in fact actually, really LIVED at all, and in a way have nothing REAL to 'lose' and yet everything to gain from letting go of my fears and doubts and self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and think about what I am 'supposed to do' and 'finding my purpose' so that I can find a reason and meaning behind life - so that I can find a way to justify the memories and experiences and in a way make it all 'okay' because apparently all of that conflict and unresolved issues and all the moments in my life where I had remained in guilt, in fear, in anxiety - eventually led me to my 'purpose', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously wait and doubt myself and never actually fully commit myself within my relationships, within my jobs, within my education, within my projects... because of the fear that I may be getting myself too 'tied down' and that I might end up missing my "purpose" and I might end up missing getting that special sign or that special... SOMETHING that would indicate to me that finally I am at the right place, doing the right thing, doing the thing that I was supposed to do in order to change this world and within doing that, absolve myself of my own past and my struggles and all the 'negative' experiences - even though I have no idea what that SOMETHING may be, no idea where to look for it, and no idea how it will know it when and if I ever do see/discover it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to wanting to do 'something great' and be a 'point of change and impact' within this world, NOT see and realize how I was in all that time separating myself from what is here - separating myself from the ACTUAL point and opportunity for change and influence - which is right here before each and every one of us, and to constantly and continuously throughout my life kept myself isolated and detached and never actually faced my own fear of people and fear of sharing and fear of becoming intimate with others and fear of getting myself 'tied down' with people and events in my world that I judged as "not aligned with my purpose" - yet having no idea what that purpose even is or how I can go about preparing for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout life, NOT slow down and consider the events and the nature of relationships and the actual history and relationship foundations of my life, from my childhood up until now, and see how based on relationship dynamics and certain 'major' events that happened during my early childhood had already to a great extent 'set the stage' for the characters and personalities that I would develop and 'evolve' into throughout my life - constantly playing the same dramas and same problems and conflicts only changing the setting and changing the 'audience' that was the people around me, and how I had not understood that none of this was actually in any way personal - that I was playing out, reacting to, and thus reinforcing conflicts and relationship dysfunctions within myself and NOT at that time having a practical self-awareness to be able to see and realize what was going on within me.
I am here. It is impossible for me to go back and undo or change my past and it is impossible for me to change or alter the consequences that have resulted from my thoughts, my words, my actions and the impact that this has had on the lives of those I have met and shared myself with, and going any further in that direction or line of thinking will only ensure that I keep myself in a loop of looking at the past in guilt and regret and thus still waiting - still hoping for that SOMETHING to come and make things okay and somehow 'fix' it all so that it all 'makes sense' and all is 'forgiven'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately held myself back in fear and isolation and did not dare to push past my resistances out of self-interest because I did not want to ruin the potential chance and hope that I may one day eventually do or become something great that will make an impact on life and humanity and through that I will then get to say that I was 'right' in holding on to the pain and negative experiences because it was all 'part of the path/journey' - when in self-honesty I did not want to let go of the anger, the fear, the backchat - because I was addicted to the illusion of power - of control - and addicted to the energy and self-interest and did not want to let go of my special purpose because it was easier to believe and put my faith into something that I 'knew' rather than actually walk one and equal with the world that is here, with the people in my world, doing the 'mundane' things that I had taken for granted and only NOW see how I have missed out on building practical, foundational principles - wherein I have not actually "grown up" and had not walked a process of taking care of myself properly, socializing with people in society, learning the ways of the system and working within the system, driving a car, having 'social' relationships and facing daily responsibilities within having to survive in this world and the current system, having a "normal life" - thus to a certain extent handicapping myself and spending more of my years in my mind, speculating, thinking, simulating words and realities and waiting for my life to happen rather than being an actual participant.

Thus - I commit myself to STOP beating myself up about my past and to let go of the desire to be and become something great or do something of importance and influence and change this world - because that is a dream that cannot be practically realized when we are not actually aware of ourselves - and the only REAL change that can happen in this world must be a change based on what is best for all, brought forth by the actual participation of people who have understood and come to the same agreement and conclusion that there is and must be a better way to life - and thus we must walk as a group - to not try and change this world for our own special purposes or as means to prove a point - but to actually change this world as a cooperative and democratic process that takes all life into consideration - directed and administered each step of the way by people of actual strength and compassion - actual understanding and self-honesty - which can only begin with self- stopping our own thoughts, clearing up our own unresolved businesses with our past, our memories, our individualized points of separation that blind us to the oneness and equality of this reality.

Thus - I commit myself to let go of waiting for a special purpose or believing that there is some specific goal or career or path that I am meant to have and to wait for it as though I am not responsible for the creation of and direction of my own life.

I commit myself to LIVE and APPLY myself within realizing that 'purpose' is not something that will just fall into my lap if I wait long enough and exclude myself long enough from actually participating in my world and my reality - rather I move myself, and give myself the purpose of establishing self-trust, self-honesty, and self-will to walk into the unknown - and dare to shape and create and determine a path for myself that is an expression of my commitment to life - understanding that to change this world for real is a task that we must all undertake together - thus will require that we all develop self-trust, self-intimacy, self-honesty, and thus self-integrity so that we as the creators of this world, of this reality, create in awareness - thus I walk and I apply myself within my process to first be that change within myself - to sort out the ghosts of my past, to stop waiting for a better life to be built upon unstable foundations, to stop expecting for clarity to happen to me without my own clearing of myself.

How will I do this? Keep it simple. Keep it practical. I work first with my mind - stopping the conscious thoughts that chatter and ramble and create a fog that obscures my vision. I support myself within walking in the matrix of the world system and make sure that I give myself a stable point of income so that I do not compromise myself and become a victim to the economic system. I work with myself and clear up the cobwebs within me as I walk myself back through my life in my writings, in my Journey to Life, forgiving myself of the memories and experiences that I have accumulated within myself that I have allowed to confuse and direct my living, then to establish effective relationships in my world and find ways to share and participate and share my process so that others may be assisted the way I have been assisted by those who walk this journey with me.

I continue in the next post to the conclusion of the thoughts/backchats within the question "What am I doing with my Life?"

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