Sunday, November 11, 2012

Day 108 - If I'm Not There Yet I Must Be FAILING!!!

Here I am continuing from previous blog posts as I walk the question of "What Am I Doing With My Life?"
The General Point -  Not being clear within the stand of who I am and what I am doing with my life, and what I am still allowing myself to hold on to that is limiting me from doing something else.

Here are the Points I have written out thus far -

Introduction to the General Point -
Day 96 - Answering the Question "What Am I Doing With My Life"

The "Suddenly I am Angry With Myself" tactic -
Day 97 - The Lie of "Suddenly Realizing"

FEARS - (Pictures)

Fear - Part 1 : Seeing myself and experiencing myself as being "Stuck"

Fear - Part 2 : Being the Victim of My Own Crime 

Fear - Part 3: Blaming TIME and Blaming "Lack of Options"

Fear - Part 4: Clarifying the Point of "Giving up and joining the others" 

Fear - Part 5: Further Clarifying the point of "If you can't beat them, join them"

FEARS - (Thoughts/Backchat)

Fear - Part 6 : Not Knowing Is Not An Excuse For Ignorance

Fear - Part 7 : Introducing the "Mind Bomb" 

Fear - Part 8 : Realizing I am more than ready stop temptations
Day 105 - Defusing Temptations

Fear - Part 9 : Nothing to Fear. Not even Fear itself. 

Fear - Part 10 : Waiting for a Sign to Know My Special Purpose

Fear - Part 11 : Being Way Too Hard On Myself 
Day 108 -  If I'm not there yet then I must be FAILING!!!

Tonight I will continue with the thought/backchat based fears in relation to the question "What am I doing with my life?"

Fears – (Thoughts/Backchat/Imagination)

"Every time I have tried to change my life, tried to take care of myself, tried to change something about the direction of my life, things have always backfired, and I do not want to go through that again, where things do not work out and I end up adjusting and trying to make something else work, only to have that new thing not work out either. I am tired of this and I don't want to keep doing this."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from the question of what I am doing with my life in terms of considering how and why I have created the experience of 'selling myself out' and thus imagining an entire 'future' for myself in which I am not moving or directing myself, where I am still giving in to the same points of resistance and conflict, where I am still allowing myself to be directed and controlled by my fears and resistances instead of being here and actually living me HERE in each moment - and to already 'decide' within my mind that there is no stopping, changing, or actual taking of responsibility that will happen - and it won't because it isn't going to just 'happen' for me - and thus by me participating in the idea and belief that something should 'happen' so that my process becomes easier and things will align themselves accordingly on my behalf is an illusion/fantasy in my own mind and is NOT based on actual reality - and this alternate universe/reality can only exist and can only influence and direct me and lull me into a state of apathy and nonchalance when I allow myself to participate in, feed, and/or react to the thought of "I am diminishing myself and selling myself out while life is slipping away".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DO something on my own behalf and to INTERVENE in my own life and my own living when and as I see that I am allowing myself to diminish myself and am not living to the best of my potential or doing what I am able to do in each moment to support myself so that I can do what is necessary to ENSURE that I will in fact be and become the manifestation of my fullest potential in this life and in this world - NOT seeing how by creating a picture of doom and demise within my mind and then allowing myself to react to and base my decisions and plans around such pictures is only going to manifest that very picture - of doom and demise - because instead of being HERE and participating in my own living and standing within my own expression of who I am, I have instead given myself up already to the pictures and thoughts and imagination and made those alternate realities REAL in the sense that I had given them precedence, attention, focus, and energy through my participation - and through me - through my acceptance and allowance - those pictures influence my decision making, my behavior, my very core and beingness - and by extension will obviously have an effect on my actual living, my relationships, and my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that at the moment I am not yet equal with my own mind and my own process of self-creation, and that at the moment wherever I am not absolutely moving and directing myself, I am influenced and directed by my mind consciousness system - by my conscious, sub-conscious, and unconscious mind systems which I had mistaken and accepted as 'myself' - wherein I had convinced myself that the voices, the pictures, the memories, the energetic feelings and experiences and reactions that 'come up' within me are in fact "me" - and to NOT see or consider that prolonged participation in certain kinds of thought, pictures, memories, backchat as well as periods in my life where I had extensively experienced certain forms of energetic experience like anger, fear, anxiety, etc... all have an accumulative effect within me, and over time will layer and actually integrate with me at a physical level - where it will absolutely seem like, feel like, what I am experiencing is "real" and that the thoughts/reactions/backchat that I experience are thus 'reliable' and can be 'trusted' since it is coming 'from me' - but yet I had not considered that I was NOT present, NOT actually aware of my self-creation and did NOT have an effective understanding of the mechanics of the mind - and thus was not aware of how such thoughts, feelings, emotions, and energetic reactions were generated and HOW they were stored within and as me, at a physical level, throughout all of the years of my life, which I constantly and continuously fed, participated in, and defended because I believed and accepted such energy and thoughts and backchat as "who I am".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR that I will spend the rest of my life as a victim to my own self-created fears, limitations, and resistances and that I will die without actually having restored myself and given myself back to myself - and having established a point of living and expression in this world that can be of assistance and support to LIFE - that my living and expression be a point of assistance and support within bringing forth an actual solution for the condition of existence and the massive separation that currently exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access a point of overwhelmingness and 'dread' within seeing and realizing the extent to which I have abdicated myself to the mind and was NOT aware or self-directive within my development throughout the years, and to take it personally and fear that I cannot actually undo what I had done and in fact change me - when this fear and this sense of overwhelmingness is not in fact real and is based on the very thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences that I have defined myself within, and participated in throughout my life, and had integrated into my actual physical beingness through repetition - and within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider that now I require to walk the same process to reverse and undo what has been done, and that obviously even though my realizations of myself and the development of my self-awareness through writing, self-forgiveness, and developing self-honesty is a 'recent' and 'new' thing in my life - it does not mean that I am 'suddenly' doomed and that my life is 'suddenly' a mess - rather I am seeing for the first time and actually considering for the first time the condition of my living, my beingness, and for the first time actually taking the steps to correct myself - thus the fear that I cannot possibly 'undo' what I myself had done is not true - because if I could create myself and develop myself into and as the being/person and specific manifestation that I am now without having an awareness or understanding of my process throughout all these years - then it is CERTAIN that I am able to correct and re-align myself within and as awareness and self-honesty - thus the point is NOT to go into demise over what I am seeing and realizing and becoming self-honest with for the first time in my life - but to give myself the patience and CARE and self-responsibility to walk myself BACK - untangle the mess that I had created in the absence of my direct awareness and participation, find out HOW self creation works and what throughout my life I have participated in within this principle of self-creation, forgive myself of the points where I allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and thus cause/create consequences that are not cool, and dedicate as much 'time' as necessary to undo/deprogram the layers of myself understanding that I now undertake a task of walking the corrections and consequences of my life and living.

I commit myself to STOP beating myself up and allowing myself to go into a point of
overwhelmingness and trying to fix everything all at once based on an initial reaction to seeing points in my life that I am not standing within a directive principle of and instead give myself the authority and power to - through actual self-forgiveness - walk through and take responsibility for myself, my living, and release myself of the patterns of the 'past' by understanding how I built and allowed that pattern, forgiving myself for my acceptance and allowance, and correcting my living and my participation slowly but surely to replace that which does not support me with new foundations based on self-honesty and self-awareness as I regain my point of self-creation.

Thus - I slow down here and now, and assist and support myself to - especially when I am in a 'funk' and wanting to 'give up' and accessing the point of 'overwhelmingness' - realize that I had simply slipped back into my mind and that the 'overwhelmingness' and resistance to push myself through can only happen when I am in the mind - and in such moments support myself by re-establishing myself HERE - meaning I breathe, I touch, I move and participate in my actual environment and clear myself of the point of 'overwhelmingness' that is going on in my mind and where there is still uncertainty and energy I write the point out, apply self-forgiveness, and move myself breath by breath working with what is actually here and re-commit myself within patience and discipline to walk this through one step at a time instead of trying to juggle everything and fix my entire life's worth of issues and conflicts without first establishing my own stability and understanding.

So to recap for myself practically - Yes I am seeing points within myself, my living, that I am not satisfied with - and I am able to work with what is immediately here by changing my participation within common sense and practicality in my daily living, and the 'bigger points' that continue to come up I walk as best as I am able in each moment and will NOT demand that I be able to do MORE than what I am self-honestly capable of because that is again self-interest. In this, I do not give up or give in and where I stumble I stand again and adjust - and always PARTICIPATE instead of remaining a spectator even if participation in the moment is simply to breathe, let go, and do what is necessary in my moment even though this does not feel 'good' and is not what I 'want' - to move and really be here no matter what, even in the moments where I want to be already 'somewhere else', or want to already be 'someone else' because for me to even get to such a point, requires that I get there from HERE, so I participate HERE.

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