Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Day 109 - Simulating My Life Instead of Living It

In the previous blogs of this series I have been looking at the general question of "What am I doing with my life?"

Thus far I have been working through the prominent surface thoughts/fears/imaginations to get myself to a point of clarity, where I am thus able to look at the point within practicality and self-honesty - to really assess what is here and what I am doing, what I am able to do practically with the skills, talents, and resources that I have now, what my responsibilities are at the moment and what I require to do to ensure that I place myself in the best possible position.

Having walked the previous blogs covering the reactions/thoughts/imagination dimensions of fears related to answering and looking at this question of "What am I doing with my life?" I now come to the nitty gritty - which is the actual, substantial stuff that has been hidden behind the layers of thought and self-created fears.

Within the writing of the last several blogs a recurring point has been coming up which I see is required to be directed - which is that I find myself still very 'active' within the mind - especially throughout the day and during moments at my work where I allow myself to access pressure and anxiety and stress, which actually accumulates within my body and becomes another 'layer' that I integrate into my very living - which actually will influence and direct my decisions, my experience of 'me', and my general living if I do not in fact STOP accumulating such energies and directing the actual points and applying a practical and structured solution for this point specifically.

The solution requires to be specific because it must be consistent and measurable - otherwise it is far too easy for me to simply give in to the mind yet again and 'trust' that the mind is able to regulate and adjust itself and not actually have to take responsibility. Also, it must be specific because then I am able to actually see for myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility what it is that I am in fact doing or not doing to support myself - and in having my applications and solutions be detailed and specific there is no 'foggy area' to blame where I can simply say 'oh, the directions were not clear enough' - which is actually quite silly because who is the one responsible for giving myself the directions in the first place?

Okay - so the specific point that I see is most prominent at the moment in my walking SOLUTIONS to "What am I doing with my life?" is the point of me still allowing myself to participate in trying to 'figure things out' in the mind and trying to walk my process in the mind - where I will for instance create a simulation - as detailed as I can - where I will run through the problems and conflicts that I am facing and what realizations I can discover within looking at such points within myself and come to some insights - but then I allow myself to get 'stuck' in that mode of simulations instead of actually applying myself in the practical, physical living - and often I find I am still having conversations with myself or creating/simulating the events that I require to walk and implement and participate in to such a degree that I actually 'zone out' and need to snap myself back HERE, only to realize that I had again slipped into the mind in trying to think it all out' instead of WALK IT ALL OUT - meaning instead of debating with myself whether or not a certain insight or point is practical or not or whether a certain decision or course of action is 'right' based on the simulated models that I create within myself, to rather stop trying to mimic reality and re-create reality in my mind based on my mind's interpretation of what is in fact here, so that I actually work with reality itself and learn to use the actual and practical feedback of reality as my 'guide' in decision making and decision LIVING.

In the posts to follow I will be focusing on this point of going into the mind and trying to figure things out and how I constantly and continuously find myself creating 'simulations' in my mind and coming up with all manner of ideas and solutions and conclusions based on what I believe to be 'insights' that result from my introspection - but then miss out on the point of actually bringing the point HERE to be lived and actually utilizing the physical reality and participating in my physical living.

So if this is a point that you also see/identify within you do watch this space as I will be walking this point in some detail and this can be a cool reference for any points that you may identify in yourself as I walk.

In the next post I begin from early experiences of "going into the mind instead of practical living" and how throughout my life this has been quite a prominent point in my relationship with myself and my world and lay the blueprint of the specific moments and memories from my youth that began this systematic development of trusting my mind instead of trusting the physical and fearing to actually live and make decisions - which I am certain many will be able to relate to.

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