Thursday, November 22, 2012
Day 110- Lessons in Self-Stability - INTRODUCTION
Here I am continuing after a week 'off' from writing which has been a very interesting 'test' in seeing how stable I am in my daily living when I am not consistently writing and supporting myself to get out of the mind and release the built up energies and tensions that so easily accumulate within me.
The result of this test? NOT STABLE AT ALL!!!
At my job I have recently been taking on more and more responsibilities and have also begun a project that I am directly responsible for, and have had to prepare for the 'holiday rush' of specials and promotions and having to ready myself and my department for any problems and issues that may arise, which can become extensive if certain steps are not taken and small problems quickly accumulate into larger ones as more and more 'small problems' get in the way and do not get resolved quickly.
Within this I was faced with a point of responsibility and having to make sure that things were done effectively and on time - and within this I gave in to the mind and wanting to prepare for each and every eventuality and try to anticipate each and every problem, and when problems did arise I found myself less stable and already more stressed out than I really required to be because I was already thinking about and projecting how this problem that just occurred would eventually lead to greater problems and already seeing that 'end result' of things going totally haywire and getting more difficult, if not impossible, to fix or correct.
Though within this many very cool points became highlighted - cool as in "now I can really see how this works in a practical living example" but not so cool when I was actually in the point, experiencing the anxiety and stress and conflict within me while trying to keep it all together, and within this still grappling within my mind the question of "why am I doing all of this?" and "what am I doing with my life?".
So as I was trying to get everything done and making sure I was properly getting my department and some of the newer people in my team prepared for the extra workload and how to best deal with and anticipate problems, I did NOT stop and bring it all back to myself and how all of this is a really PERFECT mirror for my own process and 'where I am' within my self-awareness and self-responsibility, and instead of allowing myself to slow down and make time for myself to write out the points, I instead went into the pattern of trusting the mind's view of time and decided to put my focus and energy on 'dealing with' problems and trying to anticipate problems and pushing myself to get things done as well as support/coach my new staff and trying to not let on that I myself was really unstable and uncertain about my own ability to do what will be required and face the issues that will come as our company goes into its promotional deals and starts to take on much more sales volume, which for my department means much more work that requires to be done for each transaction and each account that we must work on.
And so having just beginning to open up the point about my tendency to try to do everything within the mind, trying to figure everything out, and getting myself caught in projections instead of practical living and actually making real decisions in my life, I went directly into the pattern of getting caught in the mind and trying to juggle everything and keep everything 'together' as though the more I spend my time and focus trying to see it all happen in my mind and trying to solve my own strange and often absurd mental puzzles and 'what if' situations, the more work I would be able to do and the more stable I would be to support my department and address any issues that come up - which really ended up backfiring for me.
So for the last week I basically manifested the very point for myself again and within NOT writing and supporting myself through it within self-direction, the points compounded and within this much was revealed about myself and how my participation and my own point of self-stability has a very real effect in my world, how it can and did effect/influence the performance and stability of my staff, and how my participation in thoughts and specifically in worrying and trying to anticipate and plan for the worst actually creates those situations more than it prevents them, which is perfect because I now look 'back' and can see how it all relates back to me.
Thus - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to judge myself or beat myself up because I allowed myself to 'walk right in' to a point of stress and instability when this is actually an opportunity to see in actual real-time detail how this works and how I am able to change it an define/specify the triggers that activate such moments of freaking out and losing myself within the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a point of guilt/shame for NOT remaining consistent in my writing and self support in the previous few days and to use this as an excuse to further participate in the mind and further judge myself and further fall into the hole of self-PITy and thus ensure that I do not actually see the point and actually correct myself but will instead try to 'redeem myself' by trying to do better and trying to 'make up for it' as a polarity - which is based on self-interest and wanting to present a self to the world that is NOT who I am in self-honesty but only an image that I want the world to see, that looks good, and never makes mistakes - because I have not yet fully embraced myself within self-trust and self-value and thus desired to have validation through others instead of validating self through actually standing up and changing me.
When and as I see/realize that I had slipped within a point and want to judge myself for 'falling' and not wanting to be self-honest within it and wanting to remain 'perfect', I stop, I breathe, I realize that the energy and the voices and that sense of shame and not wanting to stand back up again is NOT me in fact and will only have power over me if I accept and allow it to - because standing back up does not require that I be forgiven by others or that others validate me - standing back up requires self-forgiveness and self-honesty which I am fully able to in each and every moment give to myself - thus I do not wait or allow myself to further slip into judgment or "I could have" or "I should have". I physically move myself and bring myself back here within and as my physical body and I do NOT allow any voice in my head or picture in my mind's eye to impersonate me and live through me or move me or diminish my ability to support myself and move myself.
The preparations that had to be done at work are now completed, the 'problem cases' have been resolved successfully, and my personal project is now ready to be tested for feedback - and now that those points are set I again re-commit myself to write and take this opportunity to walk back and really see the detail of the various points that became so perfectly highlighted in my week of freaking out, and I will be tying this to the point that I initially opened up last week - of trusting the mind and going into a point of trying to figure it all out instead of trusting myself and actually working with what is here - and how much is actually MISSED when I try to follow my mind's plans and projections instead of slowing down and being HERE with the physical from one moment to the next.