Friday, November 23, 2012

Day 111 - Instability is a Decision

Here I am continuing with having a look back at my previous week and how I experienced myself during a time of 'business' at my work when new responsibilities were given to me and the department that I work in required to make preparations for a big sales promotion event.
For context, this was a week in which I had not remained consistent in my self-writing application and allowed myself to trust the mind and give in to the pattern of "I'm too busy right now. I have to focus on my projects and be ready for the problems that may arise during this event".

I have seen within myself this pattern and habit of going into my mind extensively before any upcoming event or any indication that I may have to make decisions or where I require to be responsible for something or have to direct something, and for a long time now I have not wanted to be self-honest with just how extensively I have given in to the point of fear throughout my life and how extensively I have abdicated my ability to make decisions, take responsibility, and in fact stand in a position of directing my life - to a point where I now notice that anytime I require to go somewhere that I have not been to before, or when I require to do something I haven't done before, or when I am given responsibilities and tasks that require self-direction, I will withdraw into my mind and first try to think about all the possible things that can go wrong and try to anticipate and in a way 'work through' the task from within my own mind - by simulating and creating the event and playing it through - as though doing so will actually prepare me for facing and directing the task in actuality.
This tendency has been a 'core habit' of mine for many years now and the root of this system, as with pretty much every other system/pattern that I am seeing within this process, was first established at a very young age and throughout the years 'evolved' within the various personalities that would develop as I grew older and created new personas and coping mechanisms to deal with the conflicts and frictions that would come up within me that I did in any practical way understand, let alone know how to effectively deal with.

For now, I will be writing about how this point specifically played out during this past week and walk the details how I allowed myself to fall within trusting the mind and believing that trying to anticipate problems and trying to simulate and work out the potential issues that MIGHT come up during the sales event and then setting things up based on my own mental projections was NOT an effective method of taking responsibility or directing my team as practically as I could have, and how my 'decision' to try to 'deal with' the anxiety and stress that I myself was creating influenced the performance and stability of not only myself throughout the last week but also the coworkers in my department.

Tonight I begin this series with self-forgiveness from the moment that I realized that I will need to make preparations for the upcoming event and to make certain that my department would be properly staffed and trained to handle the increased volume of accounts that we will have to process.

"It's promotion time" - Initial Reaction/Thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment when I realized that the promotion event was coming, already access memories and experiences from previous promotions and in that moment of accessing memories of previous events, already anticipate and project that there will be problems and issues that will be difficult to deal with - and to simply accept this memory/experience without actually slowing myself down and actually cross referencing whether or not the previous promotion event was in fact 'filled with problems that were hard to deal with' like the way that I was seeing it within my mind, and to simply, without question, accept that memory/experience and already begin to tense up and anticipate business and having to 'deal with' many problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment within playing back memories and experiences of previous promotion events, insert memories of having to work on 'problem cases' that I have found to be difficult and not enjoyable, and in creating these pictures and thoughts in my mind related to the upcoming sales event, already set myself up for not wanting to deal with 'problem cases' and already in a way reminding myself and programming myself to become irritable and upset when and if such problem cases arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of simply accepting the picture/memory/experience of not enjoying working on 'problem cases' and thus defining myself as 'not enjoying working on problem cases', set up and associate a negative experience to problem cases or instances where things did not get done correctly and require to be fixed within a certain period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within setting up a negative experience to for when and if something goes 'wrong' with an account, also create the opposite polarity of 'positive experience' when things are going well and cases are done quickly and smoothly and there are no problems that need to be fixed, and in this defining myself as only enjoying my work and my expression of myself within my job when everything is 'going perfectly'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to allowing myself to access memories and pictures and experiences of the past in which I had to work on problem cases and did not enjoy doing it because I required to go outside of my comfort zone and really have to take responsibility as well as face the consequences of accounts that became 'beyond repair', to not see this upcoming event as an opportunity to change myself and my relationship/participation with 'problem cases' as well as facing the responsibility and consequences of cases that are done incorrectly and result in consequences that I am responsible for.

I see and realize that by going into my mind and automatically and without question simply accepting the memories and experiences of how I have experienced myself with problem cases in the past, and having defined myself as having difficulty and resistances in facing and dealing with problem cases, try to protect myself and prepare myself so that I do not have to face such issues, only separated me further from being able to really see who I am within such points and thus be able to practically and effectively support myself so that when such moments come, I do not again react within fear and resistance but remain stable and effective to the best of my ability - because by first going into the reaction and deciding already that I am not going to like facing such a point, I already abdicated myself from being able to stand stable in that very point and had already in essence blamed that point 'ahead of time' so that when and as a problem case would arise, I would already 'know' how to react and how to behave to/towards that point instead of directing MYSELF and standing stable within it.
Thus, I commit to slow myself down whenever I am already deciding that I am not going to enjoy something, that I am not going to do well within a task, or that I am going to 'react' negatively towards a point, and within this to STOP allowing my mind as memories/thoughts/experiences to script and direct my participation in my world and in my life because such reactions and pictures and projections are NEVER in fact real representations and as long as I accept those pictures and experiences as "who I am" I will remain directed by them.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself already 'making up my mind' or already creating the scenarios and future play-outs of a point, stop my participation in the mind by breathing, redirect my focus and attention to what is actually and practically HERE, apply self-forgiveness for the pictures/experiences/memories that came up or any thoughts or fears that linger, and physically MOVE myself practically in my participation within realizing that I am able to prepare myself effectively and practically by writing out such points, applying self-forgiveness, and working with what is in fact here in each breath instead of placing my trust in the mind and automatically and unconditionally assuming that whatever the mind shows me must be 'valid' and to thus make decisions and allow myself to be influenced and directed by the energetic movements and conclusions of the mind instead of developing myself HERE in REAL TIME, expanding my ability practically and building my self-trust and self-honesty the more I direct myself instead of allow myself to be directed by fears.

In the next blog I will continue with this series and cover more dimensions and events/realizations.

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