Sunday, November 25, 2012

Day 112 - How Instability is TAUGHT and LEARNED

This is a continuation of the series “Lessons in Self-Stability”

Links to previous entries -

Here I am continuing with having a look back at my previous week and how I experienced myself during a time of 'business' at my work when new responsibilities were given to me and the department that I work in required to make preparations for a big sales promotion event.

For context, this was a week in which I had not remained consistent in my self-writing application and allowed myself to trust the mind and give in to the pattern of "I'm too busy right now. I have to focus on my projects and be ready for the problems that may arise during this event". In this series I will be walking the consequences of my participation and the insights/realizations and points that became 'highlighted' within my experience of myself throughout the experience.

In tonight's blog I will be looking at the point of how I went about preparing myself within my reaction of anticipating and resisting having to work on problems and face consequences for mistakes and as a result putting into motion decisions and plans that effected the business decisions of our company as well as the preparations made by my department as my own fears and anxieties became part of the actual planning and preparation process of our staff.

I forgive myself that I did not slow down and stabilize myself within the point of realizing that my input, my feedback, my behavior, and the decisions that I make as a part of my department, as part of a group that makes decisions, has consequences for the entire department and as a result has consequences for the company itself, and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and push for certain decisions to be made in self-interest so that I did not have to deal with problems and difficult issues that I did not trust myself to face and did not want to push myself to take responsibility for and instead allowed myself to angle and steer the decisions and planning process of my department to minimize the potential of having to face difficulty and problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within having reacted to memories and experiences from previous events where I took failures and mistakes personally and did not want to be self-honest with the point of the failure/mistake and did not want to let go of my own comfort zone so that I could investigate my own starting point and how I contributed to such problems arising in the first place, to then make the 'decision' to minimize and reduce as much as possible the chances for such problems to arise by convincing my department and the company's leadership to not expose our accounts to 'unnecessary risks' when it was coming from a starting point of me not wanting to be the one responsible for addressing and working with such issues simply because I did not want such responsibility and did not want to face myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how because I had made a decision within myself to not face the point of working on 'problem cases' and dealing with the various problems that can and do occur when handling multiple different accounts, then diminish and abdicate my ability and opportunity to push myself through this limitation and as a result be able to stand as a point of support instead of holding back potential earnings for the company.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, during the meetings where we would plan our strategies and decide how to approach the promotion event and how to handle our accounts, make suggestions and give 'feedback' based on my own fear and resistance and in that way affect and influence the group decision without taking into consideration what is actually best for the group in terms of giving practical solutions and support instead of steering the group away from things that would create 'problems' for my department and not see how this in turn means that the other staff and other departments would have to adjust their own strategies and plans to accommodate my input, and trusting my input as a part of the decision-making group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when planning and preparing my department and training people in my office, train and prepare them from the starting point of fear – where I gave them all of the information about previous problems and how to deal with those problems, how 'listen for' and how to 'watch for' such problems, how to identify where such problems can arise, and gave them techniques used to deal with and minimize problems – because I did not want to have to deal with the problem cases, and to NOT consider that when I prepare my team in such a way, their focus and ability will be influenced by what they have been trained to do, what they have been prepared for, and thus will work from that set of tools and that set of information, having not had actual experience and practical understanding of how the systems work and what techniques will be required for what issues – and so will rely only on the information and training that was given to them since they have no other experience to draw from.

So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and consider that when I train and work with a person in preparing them to be able to handle and work with a task, that any training and mentoring that I give – no matter how detailed, how specific, or how meticulously I lay out the problems and what to do – the training and mentoring will always reflect who I am within the information that I am giving – meaning the points where I did not want to deal with problems and resisted having to face problems became part of the actual 'message' and 'training' even though my 'intention' was to have my staff prevent and reduce problems and issues.

Thus – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when providing training to others in my department, attempt to give them knowledge and information from a starting point of me not wanting to face problems instead of me first working through my own resistances and showing my staff how to stand stable and work through such issues and in that way already prevent the behaviors and common mistakes that lead to bigger problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to me not having worked through my own limitation of not wanting to face problems and not wanting to be responsible for consequences, instill the same fear and resistance within my staff, and within this to not see that no matter what words I use or how well I think I am using them to communicate a point, the actual meaning and communication will always be equal to WHO I AM within the words that I speak – meaning that what I communicate in my training, in my words, in my leadership, will only be clear if I myself AM that clarity and within this I cannot actually instill within another through “do as I say, not as I do” - that what I speak and show another and the result that I would like the other to realize, must first be realized fully within myself.

Thus I commit myself to clear myself within anything that I would like to instill or teach or show another – to ensure that I do not speak from knowledge and information and trying to create a point through words and knowledge instead of LIVING and actually standing as the very point that I would like to teach/show/point out for another being.

I see and realize through this event how when trying to teach and train another or when trying to explain a concept using knowledge and information that has not been fully integrated will only result in confusion – because the person that is learning will use their own definitions and their own interpretations of what your words are if your words are not actually LIVED by you – and thus anyone learning from you will resort to their own understandings and insights instead of actually seeing YOU as the example of what you are trying to show.

Thus, when and as I see/notice myself wanting to show another/explain to another something that I myself am not actually clear on, I stop, I breathe, I slow myself down and first consider my own starting point and my own clarity on what it is that I am wanting to share, and make certain that I am not trying to convince another of something that I have not actually walked and can actually STAND as an example of constantly and consistently.

When and as I see or notice myself not clear on a point or when I am trying to talk myself or present myself into being an example of something that I am not in fact, I do not allow myself to further participate and rather show who I am within the point, as I am and not as I want to be or want to be seen as being – so that the context is actually REAL and tangible and can thus be worked with instead of being an idea that does not in fact really exist and thus cannot actually be worked with.

When and I see and notice myself training and wanting to prepare another for certain tasks and I am speaking quickly and from a starting point of wanting to create a picture and trying to essentially 'download' myself into them through words and giving them too much information and not actual, practical examples, I stop, I breathe, I slow down and bring my participation back here and instead work with that person taking into consideration where that person is at currently in their ability and experience as well as my own ability and experience and walk an equal communication, aware of my words and my breathing to ensure that I do not teach something that I do not in fact actually LIVE.

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