Tonight I am continuing from my previous post on "Never Let A Serious Crisis Go To Waste", which is part of a larger series of blogs which I will list below so anyone reading this blog now will be able to get a fuller context on more specific points if they would like.
Links to previous entries in this Series -Day 109 - Simulating My Life Instead of Living It : Here introducing the main theme of this series - about how I developed a fear of making decisions for myself and walking/implementing those decisions - and thus allow my 'choices' and my participation in my own life to be directed by my mental projections instead of actual participation.Day 110 – Lessons in Self-Stability – INTRODUCTION : Introducing my 'hectic week' in which I gave in to fears and resistances and stress and did not support myself effectively to remain stable within it, and how various points played out as a result.Day 111 – Instability is a Decision : How "Instability" is decided in moments where we let our fears and our backchat determine who we are in relation to a situation, and allow our experience to become dominated by "instability".Day 112 - How Instability is TAUGHT and LEARNED : How by my own acceptances/allowances of fear and trying to 'anticipate' problems and resisting having to deal with them, I ended up creating and TEACHING others and influencing others based on my own preferences and fears instead of actually standing as a point of SUPPORT.
Day 113 – Never Let A Serious Crisis Go To Waste : How the longer we allow ourselves to NOT make clear decisions and constantly/continuously play out scenarios and "what if" situations in our minds, the more we allow our decisions to be made FOR us through consequences - Here I introduce the point of "crisis" as a self manipulation to finally get to do the things we keep in secret and play out our 'secret agendas' by allowing certain events to boil over into bigger problems as a "cover".
Tonight I will be writing out the self-forgiveness points in relation to "Never Let A Serious Crisis Go To Waste"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within NOT supporting myself through writing, self-forgiveness, self-reflection, and cross referencing the questions and doubts that I had regarding my job and the conflicts that I experience within my work, accumulate more and more backchat in my mind where I would create and play out many different scenarios and fantasies about what I would like to do and what I would prefer to be already doing, and to NOT see how the more I did this, and the more I accumulated secret desires and wants that conflicted with my actual living reality and my actual participation at work, the more I in fact separated myself from my own living, from my actual point of participation and responsibility, to such a level that when an important event or a large enough problem occurred at work, I was immediately tempted to do the very things that I had thought about and secretly played out for myself in my mind constantly and continuously because 'suddenly' there was an 'excuse' to validate and justify all of the doubt and worry that I allowed myself to participate in and create through my thoughts - and 'suddenly' I had the opportunity to step into one of the various characters/daydreams/secret desires that had been created for 'just such a moment' - which would have been totally based on self-interest and based on patterns of self-doubt, worry, and self-limitation and an escape from responsibility and an opportunity for self-expansion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout months into my job and my new responsibilities, continuously allow backchat and doubt to accumulate in my mind and within this to justify NOT investigating and clearing up these points and directing myself so that there is no more doubt within what I do and why I do it, because I feared to actually stand and make a decision for myself and trust myself within that decision, and thus allowed for the 'debate' to continue within my mind - as though eventually one point would emerge as the victor of my internal debates and that point would then be the 'right' decision, and thus I allowed myself to abdicate myself to my mind, and trusted that my mind would make the best decision for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within allowing doubt and backchat and creating alternate reality play-outs of 'what ifs' as I tried to form and come to a conclusion about my own experiences and conflicts, NOT see and realize that such experiences and conflicts are only feeding my mind - only further separating myself from actually seeing clearly and thus making clear decisions and moving myself within those decisions - because instead of looking at my reality practically, writing out the points and concerns, and cross referencing practical solutions in my world, I instead allowed my fears, anxieties, and concerns to become their own entity within all of the energy I was putting into trying to 'figure it all out', and in doing so I traded my ability to see HERE, directly and clearly, for the alternate realities and simulations in my mind - fearing to trust myself and make my own decision and cross reference that decision in my reality and so allowing that decision to come through whatever 'conclusion' my mind comes up with - thus NOT seeing and realizing that the mind will NOT come to any actual, practical conclusion because it can only work with energy - with memories, experiences, and my current relationship with the 'information' that I have stored within me - and will simply create more experiences and possible scenarios for me to 'consider' but ultimately the decision must still be made HERE in my actual reality - meaning I would have to physically check and cross reference solutions, talk to and communicate with people about my concerns and solutions, and actually walk into the 'result' one step at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within fearing to work through my resistance and fear of making decisions and cross referencing my decisions and solutions with my actual world, instead try to simulate the world and it's dynamics within my mind so that I wouldn't have to 'look stupid' or 'make a bad choice' - and to NOT see the irony here of "looking stupid" and "fearing to make a bad choice" being concepts of the MIND itself, so any 'model' or 'simulation' it comes up with as a 'possible solution' will have already built in and 'considered' my fear and tendency to not trust myself and will present models based on that information - MEANING - that whatever ideas or solutions I would create/simulate in my mind would be about NOT facing the fear of looking stupid or the fear of making a bad choice, instead of how to walk through that resistance and how to LIVE a decision and develop self-trust by cross referencing and adjusting through actual participation - because that is something the mind CANNOT process - CANNOT simulate.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep constantly and continuously trying to figure out what is best and what is 'right' and what I am supposed to be doing with my life and what I am supposed to do within my current responsibilities, and only getting myself more and more 'lost' within it all to such a point that I found myself drained and tired, trying to live and see the 'result' of the various choices and decisions before me in my mind while neglecting to face and direct my actual, physical participation and responsibilities and as a result manifest a point of consequence that could have been avoided if I were here, present, and moving myself with clarity from one point to another instead of trying to juggle and keep up with multiple realities and thoughts and backchats running in the 'background' and crowding my actual being, my actual presence, my actual fullness and awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment when I was informed about the problem that had developed, immediately again reference my backchat and the various scenarios of my mind to see which one best 'fit' this consequence and to then justify and validate how/why it would be a 'good decision' to go ahead with it even though such a 'decision' would be purely based on a reaction and a 'preparation' I had made for myself IN CASE I REQUIRE TO FACE MYSELF in the event of a 'crisis', where the crisis itself is simply a point where I require to FACE MYSELF lol.
In my next post I continue with expanding on this point and self-correction.