In my last post I concluded the segment related to stress and anxiety at my work that accumulates into points of crisis and larger problems that affect not just myself, but my department and my coworkers.
You can find the links to this series below for more context and for any specific points that you may want to explore for yourself as a cross reference.
Links to previous entries in this Series -Day 109 - Simulating My Life Instead of Living It : Here introducing the main theme of this series - about how I developed a fear of making decisions for myself and walking/implementing those decisions - and thus allow my 'choices' and my participation in my own life to be directed by my mental projections instead of actual participation.Day 110 – Lessons in Self-Stability – INTRODUCTION : Introducing my 'hectic week' in which I gave in to fears and resistances and stress and did not support myself effectively to remain stable within it, and how various points played out as a result.Day 111 – Instability is a Decision : How "Instability" is decided in moments where we let our fears and our backchat determine who we are in relation to a situation, and allow our experience to become dominated by "instability".Day 112 - How Instability is TAUGHT and LEARNED : How by my own acceptances/allowances of fear and trying to 'anticipate' problems and resisting having to deal with them, I ended up creating and TEACHING others and influencing others based on my own preferences and fears instead of actually standing as a point of SUPPORT.Day 113 – Never Let A Serious Crisis Go To Waste : How the longer we allow ourselves to NOT make clear decisions and constantly/continuously play out scenarios and "what if" situations in our minds, the more we allow our decisions to be made FOR us through consequences - Here I introduce the point of "crisis" as a self manipulation to finally get to do the things we keep in secret and play out our 'secret agendas' by allowing certain events to boil over into bigger problems as a "cover". * (also introducing the concept of asking myself "what is the crisis I am waiting for before I am willing to change and move myself?")Day 114 - Self Forgiveness on Waiting for a Crisis : Self-Forgiveness on allowing backchat and friction within myself to continue and build and accumulate instead of directing myself within my decisions and my participation - and thus manifesting a point of only moving and directing myself and my world in making decisions when a 'crisis' or problem occurs as a consequence.Day 115 - Self-Corrective Statements on Stress and Anxiety : Self-Correction in practically stopping the accumulation of stress and anxiety throughout my days as well as practical steps in how I take responsibility for those moments when I see I am being 'driven' and influenced by stress/anxiety - to instead bring myself back HERE and work more effectively/practically.
Tonight I continue with a new series of blogs exploring the point of "Tragic Hero" and "Redeemed Fallen Hero" and how these two specific personalities have played out within my life and my point of responsibility in changing.
This new series is part of a larger series exploring the main point of putting my trust in the mind and allowing my life to be influenced and 'driven' by trusting my mind instead of actually moving myself and directing my own life.
Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint
Tonight I am having at look at two specific characters that I find myself very often playing out and how each one dynamically interacts and reinforces the other - because both characters are essentially based off of the same basic system but represent two polarities (extremes) of expression.
For quite a while now within my process I have been aware of my pattern of going into a 'tragic hero' personality where I allow myself to compromise myself and do not stand up for myself and will turn this into a point of being 'noble' or 'sacrificing' something so that I can apparently claim to be 'better' and 'stronger' than others because I am now taking on some heavy burden or 'quietly suffering' so that others are not burdened - when really this is a self-manipulation tactic that I use to deliberately not take self-responsibility for a point or directing a point, but will instead 'put up with' the consequences of NOT directing the point myself - and will then convince myself that I am doing something that apparently requires great strength and great sacrifice, and in doing this I am able to believe that I am thus 'better' than others and separate myself from people in my world and deliberately isolate myself from and avoid situations where I must interact and participate directly within taking responsibility for a point and would instead just 'take on the burden' of NOT directing the point, so that I can use my 'tragic hero' character and experience myself as a kind of 'quiet saint' that suffers and takes on burdens in a solemn, stoic manner.
There is also a polarity to this character - where instead of experiencing myself as the 'tragic hero' where I compromise myself for some apparent 'greater cause' - I instead experience myself as the 'saintly one' or the 'redeemed fallen hero' - where one task - one 'problem' in my world is directed and aligned to a point of correction, and suddenly ALL of the points where I had previously NOT directed myself or stood within a point of responsibility for are, for a moment at least, totally justified and suddenly the 'tragic hero' becomes 'redeemed' because apparently all of the 'suffering' and 'burden' that I had carried was all 'worth it'.
But the fact is that the 'burdens' and 'suffering' that I allow myself to deliberately participate in are self-created to begin with - because these points become 'burdens' through NOT directly dealing with and facing the issue within self-honesty and self-trust and thus become an 'unresolved issue' that compounds and only becomes harder to actually face as more time accumulates - because while I am not directing the point, I am still allowing the point to exist within me, and I am giving it energy and focus by resisting it and trying to 'put up with it' as though that will 'solve' the problem, and the more I do not actually face and walk through the problems and conflicts of my life and my relationship with myself, the more 'tragic' the 'tragic hero' becomes - the more energy I accumulate and experience myself as - the more I can create the experience that I am doing something 'noble' in suffering and putting up with the consequences of my lack of direction and responsibility - and the more automated I actually become whenever a point of responsibility arises within my life - where I will already have assumed that I will simply 'deal with the consequences, whatever they are, no matter how tragic' - because I have already accepted and allowed myself to define myself within this role of 'the tragic hero'.
I have seen that when things go wrong or when a problem arises, already this 'tragic hero' braces for the worst and will then walk right into that scenario, having already given up and already made the 'decision' that there is nothing that can be done, and thus the 'best' thing to do is to just accept the consequence even though such a consequence does not yet in fact exist - but through already accepting my 'fate' within the point, I manifest the consequence through inaction and not taking responsibility in the moment - thus the tragic hero will actually SEE problems coming, or will actually anticipate and LOOK FOR problems so that I can already decide to let the point accumulate into a consequence to be 'put up with' and 'dealt with', and already design and prepare what I will do, what I will say, and how I will act - before the event actually even takes place.
Obviously this is NOT an acceptable way to live because in accepting and allowing this character to live through me and influence my decisions, I can be assured that I will always end up sabotaging myself instead of actually walking through a point in deliberate self-movement, and thus how can I be trusted with life when I am not in fact living the life that I have and just allowing myself to constantly adjust to and 'put up with' the consequences of not standing up, not directing myself, and rather letting things become a crisis or a point of dire consequence before I actually change or take responsibility?
In my next post I will be going into more detail of this 'tragic hero' character, how it played out and manifested within my life, how it contributes to me trusting the mind instead of trusting myself, and how through this 'tragic hero' comes the polarity character of 'the redeemed fallen hero'.