Tonight I am continuing the blog series of "Tragic Hero to Saint".
For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -
Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"
Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero
The idea/concept of the "Tragic Hero" in terms of my relationship with this point and how I have created it, participated in it, and to a large degree incorporated this character into my life - is that the Tragic Hero is supposedly somebody that is holding on to a 'noble cause' or a 'greater good' and stands within a kind of unshakable and unyielding commitment to something, and will go to any lengths, endure any suffering, and will "walk through hell" - which is the 'positive' charge that I have given this character - where this character in a way symbolizes a kind of strength and quiet conviction/discipline that allows him to endure all manner of trials and tragedies and in a way this makes him even 'stronger'.
But the way that I ACTUALLY played out this character is that whenever there something in my life that I did not want to confront or direct or take responsibility for, I would deliberately allow the point to become 'bigger than me' and allow that point to compound more and more while I would create and participate in the idea that by allowing myself to 'put up with it' and 'stick to what I do best' instead of having to consider changing me, taking on more responsibility, pushing myself past my comfort zones, and expanding myself and my self-responsibility in my world and in my relationship with myself - that somehow within me 'standing firm' in my limitations and in points of compromise, I am building my strength and that I am proving that I am 'capable' of dealing with anything and putting up with anything - when really all I was doing was ensuring that whenever something new came into my world - a new environment, a new responsibility, a new task or duty - or any time where I would have to push myself and go beyond my self-definitions, I would immediately go into a point of self-defense and would shy away from directly participating or directing myself or trusting myself within the point, and would simply NOT participate in that point and find ways/methods of 'getting by' without whatever it is that I would judge to be 'too scary' or 'too complicated' or simply beyond my self-imposed fears and limitations.
So the tragic hero character is really a tool that I have used throughout my life to shy away from and not directly participate in or take responsibility for my own living - where any time there was something that I require to do for myself but required that I push myself past my comfort zones or have to face a point of fear or resistance, I would simply adopt the "Tragic Hero" personality as myself and suddenly, my lack of participation and responsibility became something that was 'deliberate' - and in this way I was getting more and more of a charged energetic experience of myself being this apparent "Tragic Hero" putting up with so much and taking on such burden and being so 'strong' within NOT seeking help but rather "Soldiering On".
And what has been the consequence of living this way and accepting/allowing such a character to accumulate within myself? The result has been a life in which I would constantly and continuously sabotage myself deliberately and allow myself to place myself into situations of compromise where I would allow others to essentially 'walk all over me' and I would then put on the act that I was allowing all of this abuse deliberately because I am "better than them" and I can "Take it" - when in fact I was always scared and afraid to speak up, to really stand for myself, to really direct myself and express myself and live a life for and as ME, and to a great extent I diminished myself over the years, resigned to just "dealing with" and "putting up with" whatever consequences come my way, and within my ego and self-interest I did want to ask for help or assistance from people - because this would violate the apparent stoic and stalwart "Tragic Hero" that I was trying to be and live as, yet I would always - deep down inside really want people to help and assist me - and would really want for others to aid me, and when I allowed points to compound to such an extent that people actually did notice my distress and did offer their assistance, I would accept but would put on an air of indifference - because I did not want to face the actual fear and resistance that had been accumulating within myself.
Often when assistance was given and people in my world did offer support, I would at first make it a point to present myself as though I did not want their assistance, but am accepting their offer because I did not want to seem 'ungrateful' - yet in this very act of manipulating myself and hiding my actual expression, I WAS the very manifestation and expression of ingratitude - because instead of seeing the support and assistance being given and actually being thankful for it and utilizing that support as a point of stability for myself in my world until I am able to stand on my own within that point - I rather made myself constantly and continuously dependent on such support, and in my self-interest and fear of walking out of my self-definitions and limitations, constantly allowed myself to walk right into situations of compromise and diminishment within not directing myself effectively, and when such points accumulate into a consequence where I must face the outcome of my acceptances, I would simply again become the "Tragic Hero" and accept/put up with the consequence/punishment as part of my 'burden to carry' instead of seeing the point, understanding how it happened, and moving myself within a decision to NOT AGAIN allow such a consequence to manifest.
Thus - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously put off on really getting clear with myself about this specific point of the "Tragic Hero" even though I have seen and been aware of this point for quite some time within my process, but still allowed myself to give in to 'putting up with' the friction and conflict that would arise as I would see and notice myself still not taking responsibility and still allowing this "Tragic Hero" illusion to influence my living and my decisions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to still hold on to the positive charge that I have associated with the picture and idea of the "Tragic Hero" so that I could continue to not take actual and REAL self-responsibility for myself, because as long as I can adopt the "Tragic Hero" character as myself, I can always just "Put up with" my consequences and abdicate my entire life, my entire living, in order to NOT actually LIVE a life at all but rather spend my time, my energy, and the years of my life here on earth perpetually walking in the shoes of the "Tragic Hero" diminishing myself and constantly making my own life more difficult simply out of fear of facing and walking through my resistances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually able to NOT face my consequences directly so long as I am accepting and allowing myself to simply brace for the worst case scenarios and simply accept whatever consequence comes and keep bearing it and suppressing it - when this very living and this very stance within myself is ALREADY the absolute abdication of me as the live that I am, and as the life that I may be able to create for myself - but gave up within giving in to the righteousness of the "Tragic Hero".
I commit myself to, in this series, walk in detail this point of the Tragic Hero and how I have specifically created this point throughout my life, and apply specific self-forgiveness and self-corrective application within taking my life back into my own hands and developing the self-trust and self-value that I had given away in separation and tried to 'live into' by creating the idealization and fantasy of the "Tragic Hero".
I commit myself to show how in creating such a "Tragic Hero" character within one's life is NOT actually heroic, and that creating such coping mechanisms will, over time and over prolonged participation, greatly diminish a person's ability to direct themselves and actually create and manifest a life of enjoyment and fulfillment - and within this how one is able to, through effective writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, actually understand and become self-honest with who we are and how we have designed ourselves, and SEE clearly how we created such points as defense mechanisms to deal with energetic experiences and that we have, as humanity, NEVER actually understood in any practical way until now - thus be able to really CHANGE who we are, not by fighting or trying to compensate for the pains and struggles of our lives or trying to 'make up for' points that we believed we could not correct or change, but by actually becoming self-honest in who we are - so that we can again look at our lives and STOP taking things personally, STOP accepting our fears and reactions, STOP allowing our minds to create excuse after excuse as to why we cannot change, and bit by bit, breath by breath, walk ourselves 'backwards' to a point where we are no longer influenced and directed by the accumulated confusion and emotions and fears of our life thus far, but move ourselves in each moment anew, living life as we were really meant to live it - in the absolute fullness of each moment, uncompromised by judgments, by scars, by the ghosts of the past that we allow to haunt us.
I commit myself to see myself through this point, to understand this point, and to release myself from this pattern of and possession of the "Tragic Hero" through further writing and self-forgiveness - so that I do not judge this point or allow any shame or guilt to influence my ability to see this point for what it is, to understand it intimately and without judgment, so that I can walk it's dimensions and take responsibility for all of the points in my life that I have tried to make the "Tragic Hero" responsible for in my stead.
In the posts to follow I will in greater detail walk the dimensions and my 'history' with this point.