Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 118 - A Tragic Hero Prepares







Tonight I am continuing the blog series of "Tragic Hero to Saint".


For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -

Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"

Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.

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Day 118 - A Tragic Hero Prepares

The character of the "Tragic Hero" which I elaborated on in my previous post is one that I would say I have participated in the most throughout my life - and throughout my process thus far this has been a point that I have seen and been aware of within myself for quite some time, but would always find a way to skirt around the point, or deliberately allow myself to get lost in other details and then conveniently 'forget' that this was the main point that I required to really have a look at and investigate, and more importantly, that this is a point that requires that I actually change - that I actually require to stop allowing myself to live out this character - to step out of this role that I have defined myself as and actually step into LIVING - meaning to stop allowing my decisions and my relationships to be influenced by this character and realize that this character was never real - was never valid - because it's very creation was born from a point of separation - where I created this character as a defense mechanism in order to cope with and 'survive' within things that I did not understand at the time I was experiencing them - before I had the tools that I have now to be able to look back and actually walk through the various dimensions of the mind and in understanding the actual mechanics involved, be able to change my own relationships and definitions.

The primary point that I would like to write out tonight in relation to the "Tragic Hero" point is that I have indeed faced this point, seen this point, and been aware of this point for years now, and yet each time I am faced with it I have repeatedly allowed myself to walk right in to the same set-up, the same self-abdication, the same excuses, and manifested for myself the same kinds of situations and relationships - thus this is a point that I have great fear and resistance in facing and changing directly - and until I clear myself and align my starting point within walking this character and committing myself to changing and stepping out of this pattern for good, I will simply keep circling around this point - my life will always revolve around accommodating and allowing for this point to influence and direct and compromise my decisions and my living - because I have not actually stood equal to it, to understand it fully, and to really take responsibility for it by standing up within it, walking myself as it, and changing it as who I am in my actual living.

To do this practically, I require to walk the detailed, specific points in relation to how I create and participate in this character - and instead of theorizing and pondering within my mind about it, I see it is more effective to walk this point in real-time, and support myself within my writing to bring in any relevant points where necessary, which I begin tonight.

Firstly a brief interlude because a point arose today at work that ties in well to this point:

When a particularly difficult task was handed to me and my department today, there was an issue in regards to the requirements and demands of that task, which my coworker and I found to be outside of the reasonable parameters of what our department can handle - In that moment I 'decided' that the priority would be to find a way to get it done and then 'deal with' the persons responsible for setting up such a request.

So here is an interesting thing - because getting the request done and not allowing myself to get sidetracked when our department was given a very time-sensitive task was not a 'bad decision' - but neither was it a 'good decision'. The relevant point here is that it was a decision that I did not make within really slowing down and looking at all of the aspects. It was a 'decision' that I had made based on my reaction - where initially I got frustrated and wanted to make known to the other person that such demands are not reasonable, but in resisting directing the point in that way and trusting myself to communicate clearly with the other person, I instead allowed myself to step into the "Tragic Hero" pattern of just "dealing with it" - where I "decided" that we would just "face it" and "see what happens" because this was the demand that was made of us.

In this 'decision' I was actually not wanting to directly speak with and deal with the persons that gave the request. Rather, I 'decided' based on my resistance to face that person and get further details and clarification, that the 'important thing' in the moment was to get the case done, even though in my backchat I was angry and frustrated within this, and I was not actually effective and specific in how I went about "getting the case done" because it was done from a reaction of "Oh well, fuck it. Let's just do it." and within this I did not actually care, did not actually take responsibility for the task, but rather did it out of spite, and in a way was secretly rooting for it to fail just to prove my point.

After some trouble we did manage to get the task done - and that is when the "Redeemed Fallen Hero" polarity kicked in, where I THEN retroactively made it seem as though this was my plan all along - that I had "known" that this was the "right" thing to do, that the entire time, THIS was the plan - simply because the task was completed, and this is how I justified the initial reaction of the "Tragic Hero".

Yet what would have happened if the case did not get through, or we ran into difficulties that prevented us from doing the task within the requirements? That is the 'beauty' of this "Tragic Hero" - because if we had failed this task, instead of the "Redeemed Fallen Hero" getting validation, the "Tragic Hero" would simply say "I knew it. That's why I didn't bother trying or putting my full effort into it. But I did what was required and I did try - so I cannot be blamed for failing at something that was impossible anyway. In fact it was rather noble of me to do it KNOWING it was going to fail".

It is these nuances - these seemingly subtle things that we miss - either intentionally or by simple lack of awareness (which in a way is also intentional), that allow such characters and patterns to remain 'unchallenged' and 'unquestioned' because in this game that we play with ourselves we are always "right" and we always find a way to "win" - because the goal is to ensure that we trust our minds - that we keep participating in energy and energetic experiences and putting our very lives and our decisions in the hands of these systems, and in this we will find various ways and manipulations to ensure that we arrive at a conclusion that will always 'prove' that we were 'right' no matter what the consequences may be - which is why we live in a world of such extreme consequences that are able to be seen each day - yet we do not actually look at the consequences of this world from a point of responsibility because it is always justified - always excused - and we are always "right" in whatever manipulation we utilize to fool ourselves from actually taking responsibility for the world that we are creating, or taking into consideration the many lives that are affected by this 'sophisticated' form of apathy where we do not actually face or direct what is necessary and will only work within the confines of what we are comfortable with or what we "feel" is "right".

Here - I begin my correction of this "Tragic Hero" character with self-forgiveness and correction in how I participated in this character today in the event that I described above.

On the moment I received the difficult task/case -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment when I received and processed the request that was given to us by another department and realized that getting this task done within the specific requirements that were given would be difficult, go into my mind and begin to think about having to do the necessary work and face the challenges of this task, and within doing this charge myself up with a negative energy - where I became frustrated and irritable the more I thought about the task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in thinking about the task and NOT remaining HERE within the point that required to be directed, instead go into my mind and create pictures of me making calls and getting rejected and facing problems with the account we were working with and within this to further feed and generate the negative experience within me even though I had not actually even made a call.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to, in creating a negative experience and projecting that I would not be able to get this task/case done within the requirements that came with the task, then blame the persons who gave us this task for not taking our department into consideration - and in this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the people who gave us this specific task/request based on a reaction of fear and resistance within me - so that in that moment I did not actually place myself in the shoes of those people to take THEM into consideration and what they require to face and do and accomplish and how/why such a task/request was made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat and participate in spiteful thoughts of failing the case intentionally or just not caring about the result because I had already decided that this was unfair to me and my department when we had other tasks that required to be done, and to justify this within "giving it a shot" and "dealing with it" and already accepting the consequence of failure without considering how this would affect those who gave us this task/request or the circumstances that may depend on this task being done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into the "Tragic Hero" character as a preparation for possible failure when faced with a point of challenge and difficulty and thus already "give up" and only move myself in doing the bare minimum without actually directing the point clearly.

I commit myself to, when and as I see and notice myself becoming frustrated/irritated/annoyed and it is apparently because of a task or duty or responsibility, I STOP and I breathe. It is never because of the point that triggered whatever reaction I am having - the trigger is only a trigger to energy/backchat/unresolved points within me that were already there - thus I commit myself to stop blaming the persons giving me the task/assignment/responsibility as well as stop blaming the task/assignment/responsibility and bring the point back to self, realizing that the reaction is my first warning sign/indication that I am about to go into a character/personality which I can decide to STOP and not participate in.

I commit myself to, when and as I am given a task or assignment that is difficult or has certain requirements that may be problematic, clear myself first of any reactions or judgments or spitefulness to/toward the person giving me the task or setting up the assignment. I do this by breathing and bringing my focus and attention back HERE to my actual, practical environment and realize that the energy experience that I am having is not who I am but is simply energy that I allowed myself to generate with my thoughts, reactions, and emotions/feelings that I believed were real. Thus I move myself from within the energy experience out to the awareness that this is simply energy within me that I did not practically direct and is now activating certain systems and reactions in me, and from that awareness I move myself PHYSICALLY to my practical environment and I move myself in my participation and do not allow my words, actions, and decisions to be influenced by such energetic possessions.

I commit myself to, when and as I am given a task or assignment that may be problematic or unrealistically difficult, clear myself of the fear of failing the task and look again at what is specifically required and simply assess in self-honesty whether I have the necessary information, skill, time, and resources to complete the task and whether any potential issues can be handled. And where I see persistent problems I communicate this with the person who gave the task - not from a point of complaining or whining but as a point of cross reference - because it may be possible that the other person was not aware of the procedures or resources of my department and what we can realistically do - thus I communicate with them clearly to understand the nature of their request, and assist/support them where I see they can benefit from understanding how we perform our part of the job so that in the future, they can already take that into consideration when putting together requests/tasks for our department.

In the next post I will be continuing on this event in further detail - and expand on the "polarity character" which is where I go into the "Redeemed Hero" personality when the expected "failure" does not manifest - where the anticipated "doom" becomes an anticipated "celebration" lol.

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