Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer

For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -

Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"

Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.

Day 118 -  The Tragic Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"

Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero - Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over, I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence management' instead of actual living.


Day 120 - Tragic Hero Matra: Just A Little While Longer

At a specific moment in my life when things were not going so well within the family in terms of finances and we required to make a decision in order to get the necessary money to keep myself, my mother, and my sister secure and be able to find a place to stay - I allowed myself to place my trust in my mother within a promise that was made - that everything would be okay and that all would be sorted out - that we needed to take a certain burden in order to get us through this 'tough spot'.

At this point in my life I had already established a point of giving in to and not questioning my mother's 'authority' - having greatly diminished myself within fear of punishment and seeing myself as not in any way equal to my mother's authority. And in this moment even though I understood that the context of thus 'burden' would have consequences for my own life financially, I did not actually question the point and even though there was fear and resistance and reluctance, I allowed myself to instead create a point of 'strength' by not questioning my mother and 'deciding' to take on the burden - because our family needed it and it was my 'duty' to help the family.

But what would transpire in this moment that seems so brief when looked at within the mind as simply 'memories' of the past is actually quite full decisions and calculations and movements within myself that would have a dramatic impact/effect on the rest of my life and how I would further engrain and 'solidify' the budding "Tragic Hero" character within me.

Within that moment of accepting myself as having no 'actual choice' - and believing that this was my responsibility and my 'burden' because it was to be done under my name - I took that opportunity to cement within me the idea that I am indeed now shouldering a heavy 'burden' and that this means my experiences of pain, of struggle, of an imposed limitation of which I seemingly have no control but must 'bear' and 'put up with', that the fate of the family rested upon me - creating this to be a moment of 'epic proportions' that I would be able to forever look back upon and blame for any future problems or issues or challenges that I may face - because I would always have the perfect 'moral high ground' upon which to stand, self righteous in my self-belief that I was doing something for a 'greater good' and that me accepting the consequences 'no matter what' and living out the rest of my life within a point of diminishment would be entirely justified and validated so long as this burden is 'mine to carry'.

As the years went on and my mother assured me that she would take responsibility for this point and make sure that this burden did not sit with me for long, more and more I held this point as an 'upper hand' in terms of holding on to grudges that I would have with my mother - where I would blame the conflicts and challenges and problems of my life upon her, upon my childhood, upon the financial situation that I saw myself within - and in this I solidified the idea that I am not responsible - that my responsibility is to carry the burden as best as I can - which would extend to many other facets of my life - where I would do the bare minimum to get by, to survive, to put up with my troubles and conflicts just a while longer until things get better and I can focus on my own life, my own expression, and my own living - but until then I am not in control of my life, and am not responsible for myself - because apparently I have no choice in this matter and cannot change it.

What would follow from this moment and this 'decision' of who I am would be many years of managing the consequences of this idea/belief of "burden" and how I was not in actual control of my life - but that my life would have to be 'on hold' and that I would have to 'put up with' whatever was necessary to 'get by' - and always I waited for that moment when the "burden" would be lifted - when the responsibility was no longer mine to bear.

This point of "I'll put up with it for just a while longer" has been quite a recurring character within my life - where I would see that I am in a situation where I am not supporting myself, where I am not directing my life, where I am not happy or in any way satisfied with my living, where I saw that I was compromising myself and diminishing myself - but would always and without fail stick to the decision to "put up with it - just a little bit longer - and things will get better." - but what would happen is I end up waiting instead of standing - and I end up allowing consequence to once again determine my living instead of directing the consequence. I would keep waiting and hoping that all would work out - that there was a plan to all of this and that certainly my best interest would be taken into consideration.

The reality is that my best interest is and always has been my own responsibility - and within this what is actually best for me is what is best for all. We live in a world in which this point of understanding has been completely neglected to a point of "best for all" being a concept that is now regarded as "utopian" or "impossible" - when it should have always been our most basic and primary starting point.

As I walk myself through this experience - I am seeing so much of how my living and my expression and my relationships in this would could have been different had I only changed my awareness and my point of self-trust within this point of 'burden' - to stand up for myself and not allow myself to have taken the position of inferiority - which resulted in me wanting to be 'better than' and wanting to 'prove myself' but never actually allowing myself to stand and grow and expand and push past my 'commitment' to carrying the 'burden' and fully living into my characterization of the "Tragic Hero" that apparently must suffer a long ordeal of sacrifice and pain in the name of a 'greater good' because eventually it would all be justified and all would be set right - through the righteous and staunch nature of the Tragic Hero who will carry his burden to the bitter end.

It is required to be understood that such beliefs and acceptances of self are entirely based on relationships that we develop with our own minds - with our own thoughts and feelings and emotions, with the environment and surroundings and the preprogramming we are exposed to during our childhood as well as the dispositions of our parents which we 'inherit' - and that such self-acceptances - if NOT understood and directed in a way that is best for all and strengthens a being's ability to direct themselves and understand how such self definitions/acceptances are formed and what their consequences are - we will continue to wreak havoc upon a person's life when left unchecked/unresolved.

So here I am writing this point to further detail - and in my next post will be walking the specific self-forgiveness/self-corrections within this statement of "Just put up with it a little while longer"

No comments:

Post a Comment