Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Day 121 - Self Forgiveness and Correction of "Just A Little While Longer"



For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -

Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"

Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.

Day 118 -  The Tragic Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"

Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero - Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over, I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence management' instead of actual living.
Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer - Laying out the point of putting up with and 'dealing with' problems in my life and constantly compromising and diminishing myself in order to maintain a kind of 'control' while waiting and hoping for things to be 'okay' again.

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Day 121 - Self Forgiveness and Correction of "Just A Little While Longer" 

Today I am writing/implementing the self forgiveness and self correction for the thought/pattern of "Just a little while longer" in relation to the "Tragic Hero" character that I have been writing/walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when there is a conflict or problem within my life, that the best thing to do is to just put up with it and deal with it and arrange my life around it and eventually there will be some kind of solution because the problem is not coming from me personally - because I am not in control of my life and that there are apparently things that I just have to accept and never question - which is based on memories and experiences I have had through my life wherein I felt powerless and had to change/adapt/adjust to events in my life where I felt I had no say and no authority and had to go along with and accept my 'fate' because there was nothing I could do to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am stupid and foolish and thus deserve to suffer and 'live out my punishment' for the rest of my life due to having placed my trust in others who would promise that everything was going to be okay and that I would just have to put up with some discomfort and inconvenience for a while but that I could rest assured that all will be sorted out - when in fact things have only gotten more consequential and compounded over the years, and while I had waited and pushed myself to constantly suppress the fears and anxieties in the hope that all would eventually be well, I separated myself from my own living and my own point of self-responsibility and shifted myself into a character/personality of simply waiting, standing aside, and not participating in my own living or making firm and clear decisions in regards to who I am or what I would like to do with my life and what relationships I would like to establish - to a point where I had more and more formed a dependency upon others while I waited for things to be 'sorted out' instead of moving myself, trusting myself, participating in my living and establishing relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus form the self-belief that I am not able to stand and make decisions for myself and that my life is basically 'on hold' because I have made a previous commitment where I allowed myself to take on a position of inferiority because I did not see another 'choice' and as a result conditioned myself to accept the idea/belief that I am powerless over my life and that I will never be able to be 'like others' - that I would have to wait and wait and wait and allow a great amount of my life to pass me by until things get 'sorted out' and the original promise that I was given would be fulfilled - and within this to NOT see that those who I allowed to benefit from my position of inferiority and waiting and not standing up for myself were working/dealing with their own points and that the actual consequences that my position and acceptance were NOT part of their decision making or consideration - because obviously at this stage in where we are in terms of our awareness of ourselves and our own minds we have NOT actually established a real awareness of how our words and actions and agreements affect not only ourselves but the lives of those around us in ways that are multidimensional and greatly consequential - and thus it is NOT PERSONAL that within my life there have been promises that were made to me as well as promises that I have made to others that have not been fulfilled and practically will NOT be fulfilled - because those promises were made based NOT on an actual and practical communication and understanding - but rather were made within the mind - where many things were assumed and taken for granted without actually assessing the practicality of such decisions and the long term effects and the consequences that would have to be walked and faced by those involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus make this point personal and to constantly and continuously hold others to promises that are not and will not be fulfilled as a way of using this grudge as an excuse to not look at MY OWN responsibility and my part of having accepted those agreements - where within my self-belief of inferiority and powerlessness, I allowed myself to compromise myself and trust others throughout my life and form a relationships of dependency instead of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I still hold 'my end of the bargain' and continue to hold myself within positions of compromise as a way of spitefully reminding others of where "they" have failed, that eventually I things will be set straight and I will have been vindicated for my 'suffering' - and within this to have take on the pattern and habit of allowing things to compound and become greater and greater problems instead of directing them as I see them because I am still wanting others to "do their part" before I do mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extensively limit and diminish myself within the point of standing back and constantly suppressing points of conflict, anger, or blame within me as a point of self-righteousness that feeds and solidifies the "Tragic Hero" personality/character within me - where I believe that I am better and superior to others because of how much I am apparently able to 'put up with' when in fact I am allowing for problems to persist and compound into consequences that not only effect my own life but also the lives of others - and to NOT take into consideration the influence of one person's living and life choices and the ripple effects of consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take PERSONALLY the consequences of my life and to believe that this is what I am and that there is nothing that I can do but to accept my consequences from a starting point of powerlessness - where I am living out my life as though I am being punished and within this to extensively allow backchat and judgment and believing that life is 'not fair' - and to not move myself out of such experiences within having so believe that such experiences are all there is to life - and to NOT question and investigate how it is that I came to such a conclusion - and to have accepted this CONCLUSION as the 'end' of my life - where I have already given up on living - already given up on deciding for myself who I am in each moment and living my decision fully - to already accept walking and putting up with and 'dealing with' and fully accepting a life of consequence and limitation and blame - through using this point of "Just put up with it a little while longer" as though eventually without my actual participation and intervention in my own living, things will get better and change because others will finally take responsibility for me.
I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for my life not only in terms of what is here, but also of all the unresolved conflicts and 'unfinished business' that take the form of grudges and judgments and experiences that I have not forgiven and let go of - because as long as I am still allowing such points to exist within me - to be carried within me and remain a point of influence in the decisions that I make - then I am NOT actually being responsible and I am allowing myself to sabotage myself in each moment - in each breath - because I am not clear and I am not yet seeing directly my participation and the consequences of my participation when I am still looking at everything behind the filters of my past, of experiences and memories and hidden agendas that I am still waiting to resolve instead of directing within self-movement and self-direction.
I see, realize, and understand that within me not standing as a direct participant in my life and having accepted and allowed myself to put up with and work around the consequences, those consequences will only accumulate and I will always be essentially standing by, holding the door for life to pass me by, waiting for the day when life will put itself on hold for me - a day that obviously will never come because I am the only one that can move me and determine whether I move myself or allow myself to remain an observer - either way consequence cannot be avoided and I will experience/face whatever consequence I accept/allow.

I commit myself to walk and realize that within this point of "Just put up with it a little while longer" is the very key that opens wide the backdoor of self-diminishment and me standing aside and allowing consequence and regret to determine and influence my life - and thus when and as I see/notice myself experiencing a point of overwhelmingness or wanting to just 'wait' or 'put up with it a little longer' - I stop, I breathe, and I realize that the overwhelmingness is an experience within the mind that I have given energy and focus to instead of focusing on my self-awareness and self-attention. I thus bring myself back here and commit myself to walk one step at a time, one breath at a time, instead of trying to make everything work immediately because I am impatient - here realizing that this impatience is a consequential result of me forming relationships of dependency and expecting for things to get 'sorted out' for me - and thus whenever there is a conflict or issue I would habitually wait and see whether somebody will direct the point and fix it before I move myself.
Therefore, I commit myself to step by step start with the apparently 'small things' in my life right now - the issues and concerns and relationships and conflicts where I feel I am not 'in control' and am allowing myself to remain in a position of 'victim' - to start taking responsibility - start interacting - and here to forgive myself and those who I have blamed and held grudges upon - releasing myself and others of the burden of 'debt' that has accumulated based on empty and false promises - that we stop holding each other in blame but start moving ourselves within support -which will happen with one point, one breath, one moment at a time.

I commit myself to STOP putting up with things and allowing myself to believe that if I only 'put up with it a bit more' then the point will solve itself - because what actually happens is consequence becomes the decision maker, and consequence is NOT about what I would like or how I would prefer things - and when I allow consequence to be the decision maker of my life I can only 'rest assured' that my living NOT be one of expression and self-expansion/direction but one of facing consequences and remaining essentially powerless because that is the starting point of my own beingness.

Thus, when and as I see a point in my life where I am not satisfied and I see there is conflict that is in the way of what is best for all - I assess within self-honesty whether this is a point I am able to direct immediately or whether this point requires time/consistent application, or whether this is a point that I am not able to effectively move/direct at the moment - but to make these decisions and assessments NOT within the mind and from a starting point of powerlessness - but rather a starting point of no longer leaving my own life up to 'chance' and 'consequence'.

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