For
specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written
out so far, check out the blog list below -
Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction
- A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the
"Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"
Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail
and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.
Day 118 - The Tragic
Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the
experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to
lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds"
and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic
Hero"
Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero -
Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as
having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over,
I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various
consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence
management' instead of actual living.
Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer -
Laying out the point of putting up with and 'dealing with' problems in my life and
constantly compromising and diminishing myself in order to maintain a kind of
'control' while waiting and hoping for things to be 'okay' again.
Day 122 - How Tragic Heroes Become Tragic Villains
- How in committing myself within an idea and belief that I did not actually
understand or stand equal to, I compromised myself by trying to 'do the right
thing' instead of actually standing within a point of responsibility. Also how
I have held on to the experience of 'heaviness' and guilt for many years in
watching myself compromise myself and trying to do "good" when things
would always go "wrong".
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123 -Fear of Living and Becoming a "Yes Man"
Tonight I will be expanding on a specific point that was
opened up my previous post and will be walking the Self-Forgiveness and
Self-Correction.
In my previous post I realized and saw how for many years
of my life I have held on to a kind of 'heaviness' and 'burden' within me -
where I saw that I was compromising myself and that I was always trying to be
something that I was not because I felt I had to - and that I really had no other
'choice' and that I was 'powerless' to change me or my situation - and in this
acceptance I allowed myself to resort to presenting myself as many different
kinds of characters and personalities and always trying to fit in and suppress
my fears and anxieties but always the fears and anxieties would prevail - and I
would work harder at 'perfecting' my ability to deceive and manipulate and
present myself as the idea that I wanted others to see me as while neglecting
and disregarding my actual self-honesty and self-integrity, having accepted at
a very early age that I had no actual authority and that I required to do
whatever was asked of me, to never question, to never go against authority - to
fully suppress myself in order to 'fit in' and be a 'good boy'.
I would like to specify on the consequence of me having
thus become very much a "yes man" throughout my life where I would
always strive to be "okay" with anything that came my way, to always
"accept" and "go along with" whatever conflict I would
experience from a starting point of not wanting to actually face the conflict
or direct the point, but rather limiting myself and deliberately placing myself
into positions of compromise and then 'dealing with' whatever consequence would
arise as a form of 'punishment' - where no matter what, I would take on a
starting point of things being "my fault" and using that starting
point as a further justification to not in fact stand up and FACE the point
within self-honesty and self-trust, but to rather already give up on myself,
resign myself to the consequence even if the point was not actually directly
'my fault' - in order to prevent conflict and ensure that I remain "a good
person" and that I do not offend anyone or risk losing a certain
relationship, I would allow myself to compromise myself, to 'bend over
backwards' for others, to never challenge or question others, but to always be there
to accept the consequences and to always be ready to do my 'duty' to help
others while completely neglecting my own practical living and my own
self-support.
This point comes up essentially each time an issue is
brought to my attention which requires that a decision be made or a point of
responsibility requires to be directed - there will be a brief moment within me
where I feel a sudden sinking - like suddenly the ground I was standing on is
no longer there and I am, in that moment of being presented with a point that
requires to be directed or when I am asked for specific help or assistance or
given a certain task personally, that moment of "decision" feels
rather intense within me - as though I am being asked or rather demanded to do
something that is beyond my ability or understanding and yet I have to do it
anyway... or I would assess my relationship with the other person and will come
to the conclusion that the other person has "priority" over me - that
I should take on the burden or accept the responsibility personally or make do
with the consequences - because I am a "good person" and apparently
"good people" go out of their way for others - suffer for others -
when all that is happening is a steady accumulation of me compromising myself
over and over again and allowing myself to remain a doormat to others.
I can see so many instances of me doing this - so many
points where I deliberately gave up on myself even though I was fully aware
that the other person was not seeing a point clearly or was perhaps exploiting
my weakness of character and taking advantage of my "good nature" -
and within me would grow the sense of self-diminishment and the undermining of
self-trust - where in the name of avoiding conflict I would allow myself to be
abused, mistreated, and taken advantage of from the perspective of not actually
standing within myself, speaking clearly and directly, and believing that I am
not equal with others and thus should not fight or complain but should just be
'glad' with what I do have even if I compromise myself unnecessarily in order
to "keep the peace" - or rather - keep myself in pieces instead of
standing as a whole.
Ok - more clarification/specificity along with specific
play-outs in posts to follow - here just a 'guideline' platform to lay out the
pattern that I will be walking.
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