Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 123 -Fear of Living and Becoming a "Yes Man"

For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -

Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"

Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.

Day 118 -  The Tragic Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"

Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero - Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over, I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence management' instead of actual living.

Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer - Laying out the point of putting up with and 'dealing with' problems in my life and constantly compromising and diminishing myself in order to maintain a kind of 'control' while waiting and hoping for things to be 'okay' again.

Day 122 - How Tragic Heroes Become Tragic Villains - How in committing myself within an idea and belief that I did not actually understand or stand equal to, I compromised myself by trying to 'do the right thing' instead of actually standing within a point of responsibility. Also how I have held on to the experience of 'heaviness' and guilt for many years in watching myself compromise myself and trying to do "good" when things would always go "wrong".

123 -Fear of Living and Becoming a "Yes Man"

Tonight I will be expanding on a specific point that was opened up my previous post and will be walking the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

In my previous post I realized and saw how for many years of my life I have held on to a kind of 'heaviness' and 'burden' within me - where I saw that I was compromising myself and that I was always trying to be something that I was not because I felt I had to - and that I really had no other 'choice' and that I was 'powerless' to change me or my situation - and in this acceptance I allowed myself to resort to presenting myself as many different kinds of characters and personalities and always trying to fit in and suppress my fears and anxieties but always the fears and anxieties would prevail - and I would work harder at 'perfecting' my ability to deceive and manipulate and present myself as the idea that I wanted others to see me as while neglecting and disregarding my actual self-honesty and self-integrity, having accepted at a very early age that I had no actual authority and that I required to do whatever was asked of me, to never question, to never go against authority - to fully suppress myself in order to 'fit in' and be a 'good boy'.

I would like to specify on the consequence of me having thus become very much a "yes man" throughout my life where I would always strive to be "okay" with anything that came my way, to always "accept" and "go along with" whatever conflict I would experience from a starting point of not wanting to actually face the conflict or direct the point, but rather limiting myself and deliberately placing myself into positions of compromise and then 'dealing with' whatever consequence would arise as a form of 'punishment' - where no matter what, I would take on a starting point of things being "my fault" and using that starting point as a further justification to not in fact stand up and FACE the point within self-honesty and self-trust, but to rather already give up on myself, resign myself to the consequence even if the point was not actually directly 'my fault' - in order to prevent conflict and ensure that I remain "a good person" and that I do not offend anyone or risk losing a certain relationship, I would allow myself to compromise myself, to 'bend over backwards' for others, to never challenge or question others, but to always be there to accept the consequences and to always be ready to do my 'duty' to help others while completely neglecting my own practical living and my own self-support.

This point comes up essentially each time an issue is brought to my attention which requires that a decision be made or a point of responsibility requires to be directed - there will be a brief moment within me where I feel a sudden sinking - like suddenly the ground I was standing on is no longer there and I am, in that moment of being presented with a point that requires to be directed or when I am asked for specific help or assistance or given a certain task personally, that moment of "decision" feels rather intense within me - as though I am being asked or rather demanded to do something that is beyond my ability or understanding and yet I have to do it anyway... or I would assess my relationship with the other person and will come to the conclusion that the other person has "priority" over me - that I should take on the burden or accept the responsibility personally or make do with the consequences - because I am a "good person" and apparently "good people" go out of their way for others - suffer for others - when all that is happening is a steady accumulation of me compromising myself over and over again and allowing myself to remain a doormat to others.

I can see so many instances of me doing this - so many points where I deliberately gave up on myself even though I was fully aware that the other person was not seeing a point clearly or was perhaps exploiting my weakness of character and taking advantage of my "good nature" - and within me would grow the sense of self-diminishment and the undermining of self-trust - where in the name of avoiding conflict I would allow myself to be abused, mistreated, and taken advantage of from the perspective of not actually standing within myself, speaking clearly and directly, and believing that I am not equal with others and thus should not fight or complain but should just be 'glad' with what I do have even if I compromise myself unnecessarily in order to "keep the peace" - or rather - keep myself in pieces instead of standing as a whole. 

Ok - more clarification/specificity along with specific play-outs in posts to follow - here just a 'guideline' platform to lay out the pattern that I will be walking.

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