For
specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written
out so far, check out the blog list below -
Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.Day 118 - The Tragic Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero - Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over, I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence management' instead of actual living.Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer - Laying out the point of putting up with and 'dealing with' problems in my life and constantly compromising and diminishing myself in order to maintain a kind of 'control' while waiting and hoping for things to be 'okay' again.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 122 -
Here I continue after another lapse of absence and falling
within points of anger and self-sabotage over the last few weeks - wherein some
specific dimensions of conflict have been playing out within me - which is a
great point that ties in to the general topic that I had began - which is the
character/personality of the "Tragic Hero"
When I opened up the specific point of the 'moment of
decision' which was an event that happened many years ago when I was just about
to start college, I saw how from a singular point of acceptance and allowance -
where I allowed myself to take on a 'burden' that I did not actually understand
yet allowed myself to 'pledge' myself to it within a starting point of fear -
where I was too afraid to say no - and believed that I was obligated to do this
as my 'duty' and that I had no actual right or choice in the matter - and that
what I was doing was for a "greater good" and thus must be seen to
and defended no matter what - because after all I was doing the "right thing"
and I was being a "good son" to my mother.
I did not actually understand or comprehend at that stage
of my awareness how much this would affect me many years down the road, and did
not see how when I allowed myself to stand in a place of inferiority and fear
when making that 'decision', I already abdicated my point of
self-responsibility within it and already placed my 'fate' into the hands of my
mother who I at the time depended on and in a way had to 'trust' because I had
not developed a point of self-support and was not able to at that stage really,
practically live on my own and take care of myself in the context of our
current world system.
With my very starting point being one of uncertainty, fear,
and having placed my trust in others and hoping that my 'duty' would not be in
vain and that eventually I would be 'relieved' of my burden and would THEN be
able to get back to the business of actually focusing on my own life and my own
developments, that moment became a very specific moment in which the rest of my
life and any decisions or actions that I would make would forever be a point of
consequence - a point of managing, reacting to, and 'holding together' this
moment of placing my trust into another and accepting a point of responsibility
as a 'burden' that was necessary - but doing so out of fear.
The specific 'consequence' that I would like to specify
here is how I would, throughout many years of my life, constantly and
continuously diminish myself and 'stand back' and allow things to happen
because I had so accepted this idea and belief that I am not in control of my
life - that my 'burden' and my 'duty' to hold on to this 'burden' overrides
anything else because that is what is required of me - for the 'greater good'. And within this would form the point of
blinding righteousness where regardless of how obvious it was that I was
allowing my other responsibilities to slip and how I was not in fact living or
directing or taking responsibility for my own life and my own development as a
being - I would always justify it and would always explain it away by holding
on to the idea and belief that I am doing something "greater" for the
"greater good" and that I am supposed to thus "bear a
burden" and that my life would simply require to be more difficult and
that I would require to sacrifice and "take it", and this
justification would come up each time I faced a point of self-responsibility -
where I would instead go into a point of fear - where I fear to speak up, fear
to face conflict, fear to stand up for and as myself and in a manner of
speaking "fight" for myself and not allow myself to be taken
advantage of - I would always shift to the point of the "Tragic Hero"
and would just "take it" even though I knew I was compromising myself
- that I was not honoring my own life and my own living and compromising my own
self-respect.
Seeing the extent of this point brought up quite a stir
within me - and in this I allowed myself to fall into the pattern/habit of
again 'stepping back' and becoming 'lost' within myself - where it feels like I
am venturing into unknown territory that may jeopardize or conflict with my
'duty' and my 'burden' - my precious, precious 'burden' that I had unwittingly
pledged myself so completely to - and thus slipped into the defense mechanism
of getting 'busy' and getting 'tired' and deliberately allowing myself to
become emotionally reactive towards myself and my environment as a way to
ensure that nothing can penetrate or get close to my 'special burden'.
Hence, weeks of not writing or supporting myself through
the point - because I was instead allowing myself to be busy with defending
this character and not wanting to face and walk through that point of fear -
and that point of actually caring about myself and valuing myself to stand up
and take responsibility for my life.
Something that I have been carrying as a heavy weight
within me - which has been such an integral part of this 'burden' that I have been
carrying and defining myself as - is a sense of 'guilt' and 'remorse' for who I
have become in this world and how I have lived my life - seeing that I have
greatly diminished myself and had not allowed myself to really live and embrace
opportunities that 'others' seemed to have but I did not - and seeing the
extent to which I have lied, cheated, manipulated, and created myriad
characters and personalities to convince people in my world that I was okay,
that I was fine with my position and my burden, that I was 'happy' with my
diminishment, that I was a 'normal' person that just didn't like having a
'regular life' and simply preferred to not be around people or expand myself
within my world, that I simply 'chose' to live a life of fear and uncertainty
that I would constantly suppress and have to 'manage' instead of living a life
that was free of such self-imposed burden - because I had so skillfully
convinced myself of and accepted so fully the notion of me doing the
"right thing" that nothing else - even my own life - mattered.
A specific result/consequence of this pattern throughout my
life is that I would accept and align myself with 'whatever comes my way' -
where instead of actually standing and directing and facing any points of
conflict or friction from a starting point of self-honesty and self-trust -
where I would really stand for and as myself, I would constantly react to and
adjust myself to accommodate others - to please and satisfy others - but more
importantly, to never allow others to really see me or the extent of fear and
anxiety I existed within - even though it is clear in my very living how much I
allow myself to diminish myself and deliberately make things hard on myself and
would constantly find excuses to defend my stance of abdication - and in this
point of doing whatever I required to do to hold on to my point of 'burden' yet
being in absolute fear in relation to it, I tried to find ways to 'deal with
it' and 'cope with it' and 'live with it' - resorting to self-dishonesty that
would compound upon itself because the more I tried to make it all work and the
more I tried to 'fit in' even though I myself was NOT stable within myself or
accepting of who I was allowing myself to become, the more I would have to
compromise, the more I would have to lie, the more I would have to do things
that diminished my actual character, my actual integrity, that would undermine
by actual intentions and goals, and the more I found myself less and less the
"hero" doing the greater good - because what kind of "hero"
would tarnish himself, diminish himself, compromise himself, and resort to such
deception and manipulation and cheating if indeed his cause is 'noble'?
I found myself finding more and more complex ways of
covering up the 'holes' trying to constantly be a 'good person' and do what I
require to do - but always found that the consequences would be negative - that
things would always go wrong and I would always know that no matter how hard I
tried to make it work and tried to adjust and align myself to fit in - things
would always backfire in some way I would find myself more and more struggling
to hold together the many pieces and splinters of myself - and would less and
less stand up for myself because whenever there comes a point of conflict in my
life - where I would take a moment and look inside myself and 'size myself up',
I would see/experience a point of heaviness/emptiness - where I see that I have
gone so far from the person that I had actually wanted to be and living the
life that I had wanted to live and thought I would be able to manifest in this
world, in this lifetime, and would simply sigh within myself and again resign
to the "Tragic Hero" - because look how much I have already
compromised - look how 'tarnished' this hero has become because of what he has
'had to do' - the lying and cheating, the stealing, the frauds that I have
committed under the name and guise of a 'greater good' - surely there is no
redemption for me -best to stick with my 'burden' and just see this through -
and so the cycle is continued.
So for a long time now I have held on to this point of feeling
as though I have compromised myself entirely, that there is no way for me to
actually change or find another way - some way to actually redeem myself and
actually, really, forgive myself for the decisions and actions that I have made
in my pursuit of trying to be a 'good person' and doing the 'right thing' when
the consequences have always negative - I did not until very very recently
begin to have another look at this entire play-out and come to a greater
perspective - to see and understand that none of it was ever really personal
and that my life, my decisions, my fears, my reactions, and everything that I
have done thus far in my attempt to live a 'good life' and be a 'good person'
was not some original idea that came from me - but was in and of itself a
consequential outflow that I am very much a part of and a co-creator to, but
originates within a the context of a greater system - where the lives of people
and our relationships with ourselves and with our own minds and the way that we
come to make 'decisions' has NOT been properly understood or directed - and how
we take it personally when we do not make decisions from that greater context
of understanding and instead rely on our preprogramming.
I have come to see again, with more specificity and
clarity, that there is not a single life on this earth at the moment that is
not in some way less than our actual and fullest potential and expression -
that our 'lives' are not and have not in fact been our own, but that we have
been for a countless span of time reacting to and trying to manage sequences of
events and decisions that we did not actually understand - that we did not
actually stand equal to - that we allowed ourselves to fear - that we took
personally instead of seeing directly - and that the point of feeling as though
I have wasted my life and that I have been living a life of managing lies and
consequences that do not actually reflect who I am or what I would like to do
or how I would actually like to contribute to this world - is not some personal
anxiety that I suffer alone - but is an existential question that we are all
now facing in our own specific ways because we have yet to understand our
creation or step into alignment with our responsibility.
So yes, I see that I have been existing within fear and
self diminishment and allowing myself to become a doormat for consequence and
allowing myself to go to extensive points of compromise that has undermined my
self-honesty, my self-value, my self-integrity - because I was going along with
the preprogramming and not questioning any of it because I believed it was not
my 'place' to do so, and after many years of living this pattern I find that my
'life' and who I am has become nothing like what I would have wanted or liked
to have become - but here, with this insight, with the clarity and perspective
that I find constantly expanding the more I bring myself back HERE - the more I
read and study the Desteni material and the more I apply my ability to sort out
the mess of the mind and remain stable - the more I see that I am HERE - that I
am in a position to still be able to change me - to get to know me - to understand
me - and to forgive me so that I can be with myself again - put together all
the pieces - and to expand my understanding of myself, of this world, of this
existence - that I can in fact do what is the "greater good", that I
can in fact align myself again to a purpose and meaning in such a way that I
stop diminishing myself, stop trying to hold on to or live up to an idea, but
really in fact dedicate myself to a life of impact and contribution that will
benefit all and be part of the change that this world, this reality needs.
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