Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 122 - How Tragic Heroes Become Tragic Villains

For specific context to this series or for any specific points that I have written out so far, check out the blog list below -

Day 116 - From Tragic Hero to a Saint - Introduction - A general introduction to the dual character/personalities of the "Tragic Hero" and the "Redeemed Fallen Hero"

Day 117 - The Comedy of the Tragic Hero - Detail and specificity on the "Tragic Hero" character.

Day 118 -  The Tragic Hero Prepares - How the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"

Day 119 - Consequence and the Tragic Hero - Realizing that within a specific point in my life where I experienced myself as having 'no other choice' but to agree to something that I felt powerless over, I made a 'decision' within myself that has led to multiple and various consequences, and how since that one moment I created a life of 'consequence management' instead of actual living.

Day 120 - Tragic Hero's Code: Just A Little While Longer - Laying out the point of putting up with and 'dealing with' problems in my life and constantly compromising and diminishing myself in order to maintain a kind of 'control' while waiting and hoping for things to be 'okay' again.


Day 122 -

Here I continue after another lapse of absence and falling within points of anger and self-sabotage over the last few weeks - wherein some specific dimensions of conflict have been playing out within me - which is a great point that ties in to the general topic that I had began - which is the character/personality of the "Tragic Hero"

When I opened up the specific point of the 'moment of decision' which was an event that happened many years ago when I was just about to start college, I saw how from a singular point of acceptance and allowance - where I allowed myself to take on a 'burden' that I did not actually understand yet allowed myself to 'pledge' myself to it within a starting point of fear - where I was too afraid to say no - and believed that I was obligated to do this as my 'duty' and that I had no actual right or choice in the matter - and that what I was doing was for a "greater good" and thus must be seen to and defended no matter what - because after all I was doing the "right thing" and I was being a "good son" to my mother. 

I did not actually understand or comprehend at that stage of my awareness how much this would affect me many years down the road, and did not see how when I allowed myself to stand in a place of inferiority and fear when making that 'decision', I already abdicated my point of self-responsibility within it and already placed my 'fate' into the hands of my mother who I at the time depended on and in a way had to 'trust' because I had not developed a point of self-support and was not able to at that stage really, practically live on my own and take care of myself in the context of our current world system.

With my very starting point being one of uncertainty, fear, and having placed my trust in others and hoping that my 'duty' would not be in vain and that eventually I would be 'relieved' of my burden and would THEN be able to get back to the business of actually focusing on my own life and my own developments, that moment became a very specific moment in which the rest of my life and any decisions or actions that I would make would forever be a point of consequence - a point of managing, reacting to, and 'holding together' this moment of placing my trust into another and accepting a point of responsibility as a 'burden' that was necessary - but doing so out of fear.

The specific 'consequence' that I would like to specify here is how I would, throughout many years of my life, constantly and continuously diminish myself and 'stand back' and allow things to happen because I had so accepted this idea and belief that I am not in control of my life - that my 'burden' and my 'duty' to hold on to this 'burden' overrides anything else because that is what is required of me - for the 'greater good'.  And within this would form the point of blinding righteousness where regardless of how obvious it was that I was allowing my other responsibilities to slip and how I was not in fact living or directing or taking responsibility for my own life and my own development as a being - I would always justify it and would always explain it away by holding on to the idea and belief that I am doing something "greater" for the "greater good" and that I am supposed to thus "bear a burden" and that my life would simply require to be more difficult and that I would require to sacrifice and "take it", and this justification would come up each time I faced a point of self-responsibility - where I would instead go into a point of fear - where I fear to speak up, fear to face conflict, fear to stand up for and as myself and in a manner of speaking "fight" for myself and not allow myself to be taken advantage of - I would always shift to the point of the "Tragic Hero" and would just "take it" even though I knew I was compromising myself - that I was not honoring my own life and my own living and compromising my own self-respect.

Seeing the extent of this point brought up quite a stir within me - and in this I allowed myself to fall into the pattern/habit of again 'stepping back' and becoming 'lost' within myself - where it feels like I am venturing into unknown territory that may jeopardize or conflict with my 'duty' and my 'burden' - my precious, precious 'burden' that I had unwittingly pledged myself so completely to - and thus slipped into the defense mechanism of getting 'busy' and getting 'tired' and deliberately allowing myself to become emotionally reactive towards myself and my environment as a way to ensure that nothing can penetrate or get close to my 'special burden'.

Hence, weeks of not writing or supporting myself through the point - because I was instead allowing myself to be busy with defending this character and not wanting to face and walk through that point of fear - and that point of actually caring about myself and valuing myself to stand up and take responsibility for my life.

Something that I have been carrying as a heavy weight within me - which has been such an integral part of this 'burden' that I have been carrying and defining myself as - is a sense of 'guilt' and 'remorse' for who I have become in this world and how I have lived my life - seeing that I have greatly diminished myself and had not allowed myself to really live and embrace opportunities that 'others' seemed to have but I did not - and seeing the extent to which I have lied, cheated, manipulated, and created myriad characters and personalities to convince people in my world that I was okay, that I was fine with my position and my burden, that I was 'happy' with my diminishment, that I was a 'normal' person that just didn't like having a 'regular life' and simply preferred to not be around people or expand myself within my world, that I simply 'chose' to live a life of fear and uncertainty that I would constantly suppress and have to 'manage' instead of living a life that was free of such self-imposed burden - because I had so skillfully convinced myself of and accepted so fully the notion of me doing the "right thing" that nothing else - even my own life - mattered.

A specific result/consequence of this pattern throughout my life is that I would accept and align myself with 'whatever comes my way' - where instead of actually standing and directing and facing any points of conflict or friction from a starting point of self-honesty and self-trust - where I would really stand for and as myself, I would constantly react to and adjust myself to accommodate others - to please and satisfy others - but more importantly, to never allow others to really see me or the extent of fear and anxiety I existed within - even though it is clear in my very living how much I allow myself to diminish myself and deliberately make things hard on myself and would constantly find excuses to defend my stance of abdication - and in this point of doing whatever I required to do to hold on to my point of 'burden' yet being in absolute fear in relation to it, I tried to find ways to 'deal with it' and 'cope with it' and 'live with it' - resorting to self-dishonesty that would compound upon itself because the more I tried to make it all work and the more I tried to 'fit in' even though I myself was NOT stable within myself or accepting of who I was allowing myself to become, the more I would have to compromise, the more I would have to lie, the more I would have to do things that diminished my actual character, my actual integrity, that would undermine by actual intentions and goals, and the more I found myself less and less the "hero" doing the greater good - because what kind of "hero" would tarnish himself, diminish himself, compromise himself, and resort to such deception and manipulation and cheating if indeed his cause is 'noble'?

I found myself finding more and more complex ways of covering up the 'holes' trying to constantly be a 'good person' and do what I require to do - but always found that the consequences would be negative - that things would always go wrong and I would always know that no matter how hard I tried to make it work and tried to adjust and align myself to fit in - things would always backfire in some way I would find myself more and more struggling to hold together the many pieces and splinters of myself - and would less and less stand up for myself because whenever there comes a point of conflict in my life - where I would take a moment and look inside myself and 'size myself up', I would see/experience a point of heaviness/emptiness - where I see that I have gone so far from the person that I had actually wanted to be and living the life that I had wanted to live and thought I would be able to manifest in this world, in this lifetime, and would simply sigh within myself and again resign to the "Tragic Hero" - because look how much I have already compromised - look how 'tarnished' this hero has become because of what he has 'had to do' - the lying and cheating, the stealing, the frauds that I have committed under the name and guise of a 'greater good' - surely there is no redemption for me -best to stick with my 'burden' and just see this through - and so the cycle is continued.

So for a long time now I have held on to this point of feeling as though I have compromised myself entirely, that there is no way for me to actually change or find another way - some way to actually redeem myself and actually, really, forgive myself for the decisions and actions that I have made in my pursuit of trying to be a 'good person' and doing the 'right thing' when the consequences have always negative - I did not until very very recently begin to have another look at this entire play-out and come to a greater perspective - to see and understand that none of it was ever really personal and that my life, my decisions, my fears, my reactions, and everything that I have done thus far in my attempt to live a 'good life' and be a 'good person' was not some original idea that came from me - but was in and of itself a consequential outflow that I am very much a part of and a co-creator to, but originates within a the context of a greater system - where the lives of people and our relationships with ourselves and with our own minds and the way that we come to make 'decisions' has NOT been properly understood or directed - and how we take it personally when we do not make decisions from that greater context of understanding and instead rely on our preprogramming.

I have come to see again, with more specificity and clarity, that there is not a single life on this earth at the moment that is not in some way less than our actual and fullest potential and expression - that our 'lives' are not and have not in fact been our own, but that we have been for a countless span of time reacting to and trying to manage sequences of events and decisions that we did not actually understand - that we did not actually stand equal to - that we allowed ourselves to fear - that we took personally instead of seeing directly - and that the point of feeling as though I have wasted my life and that I have been living a life of managing lies and consequences that do not actually reflect who I am or what I would like to do or how I would actually like to contribute to this world - is not some personal anxiety that I suffer alone - but is an existential question that we are all now facing in our own specific ways because we have yet to understand our creation or step into alignment with our responsibility.

So yes, I see that I have been existing within fear and self diminishment and allowing myself to become a doormat for consequence and allowing myself to go to extensive points of compromise that has undermined my self-honesty, my self-value, my self-integrity - because I was going along with the preprogramming and not questioning any of it because I believed it was not my 'place' to do so, and after many years of living this pattern I find that my 'life' and who I am has become nothing like what I would have wanted or liked to have become - but here, with this insight, with the clarity and perspective that I find constantly expanding the more I bring myself back HERE - the more I read and study the Desteni material and the more I apply my ability to sort out the mess of the mind and remain stable - the more I see that I am HERE - that I am in a position to still be able to change me - to get to know me - to understand me - and to forgive me so that I can be with myself again - put together all the pieces - and to expand my understanding of myself, of this world, of this existence - that I can in fact do what is the "greater good", that I can in fact align myself again to a purpose and meaning in such a way that I stop diminishing myself, stop trying to hold on to or live up to an idea, but really in fact dedicate myself to a life of impact and contribution that will benefit all and be part of the change that this world, this reality needs.

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