Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day 124 - Hello Writing, My Old Friend
What is REAL forgiveness? What is it to come to points of realization and insight and to see how I am responsible for how I am living and how I am creating this world and how my thoughts, my actions, my words, reflect through me and become ripple effects that impact and influence the world around me? What is REAL self-direction and how do I live that?
In the past several weeks I allowed myself to give in once again to the point of resistance and fear and anger that I have become quite familiar with lately - where I allowed myself to sink to a point within myself where I simply did not care, where nothing mattered to me and all I wanted to do was to disappear so that none could see me or be affected by my example of not actually standing up and taking responsibility for myself.
In my self-imposed isolation I decided within self-interest that it would be 'best' if I did keep to myself during this 'dark period' - that it would be best that I face this alone and carry this burden alone - but of course this was not self-honest or in any way supportive or reflective of a decision that is in fact best for all or in any way supportive of myself or anyone else - it was a decision that I made, and constantly remade - because I did not want anyone to see me for what I was doing to myself - I did not want to let anyone in - and did not want to allow myself to be vulnerable - because I did not want to actually face myself or let go of the anger and fear and the suppressed nature of me.
The self-honest truth here was that I did not want to face the point of decision - I did not want to actually take responsibility for myself in seeing that I am in fact, in every way, in every moment, responsible for my experience - because to fully live this realization would mean that I would have to REALLY FORGIVE myself - to REALLY LET GO of the fear and the energetic addictions and the illusion of being "in control" - because I feared admitting that I am not actually in control - that I am not actually the directive principle of myself - that my actions, my decisions, are still influenced by fears and memories and experiences and within this a driving point of self-interest - of survival - of protecting and fighting for my private space - my personal limitations - my comfort zone.
In this point of self-isolation I steadily became more and more unstable - I saw how my isolation, my fear, my resistances, and all of the backchat and the shame and guilt that would be attached to them would accumulate more and more and would eventually develop a kind of momentum that seemed so difficult to stop - because it would seem that I was "getting away with it" and that this was the way in which I would be able to stay "in control" - to keep things manageable and stable - in a way that ensured that I would not actually change or become something more than what I have defined myself as - that I would never establish real relationships with others or with myself or develop an intimacy and presence in my own life but would always seek the illusionary comfort of the mind - because I was being 'clever' and it seemed to be working because I was getting validation through others in my world - I was getting validation through my job, and I was getting validation through the delusional logic that as long as I was making money, that I was respected at my job, that I was 'making it' in surviving in the system, that I was doing the 'right thing' - and in this nothing else really mattered because survival at any cost is the primary point of concern - and the image of my 'success' needs to be maintained so that I can keep surviving and making sure that my environment is stable and secure - which is a great delusion because NOTHING in this world, in this current system, is stable or secure and the closest that anyone on this earth can ever get to having a sense of stability and security is to buy it with money - and do be willing to do whatever it takes, and sacrifice whatever is necessary - to make, protect, and accumulate that money - and here the self-interest and ego excels in playing the necessary games of deception, manipulation, and self-survival.
To be clear I am NOT saying that it is the current system's fault that I allowed myself to go into such a point of self-interest and self-isolation, but that my 'decision' to walk a path of isolation and focusing on my survival and fearing to step beyond my resistances is a habit and tendency that has been within me for many years, much of which was built around core foundations and habits which formed during my childhood developmental years which over time would 'evolve' and become more 'complex' though the recurring patterns would always be the same - and a definite recurring pattern with me has been the sense that I cannot trust others - that I must fend for myself - that I am incomplete and do not fit into this world that is full of danger and things that I do not know or understand, but must pretend to understand so that I can fit in and not become a target - and that I am not to share myself or express myself or how I actually experience me because that would be seen as a weakness - which in this world is punished.
I have spent many years honing the 'skill' of keeping things to myself, suppressing myself, judging myself as inherently 'incomplete' and 'damaged' and have made it a point to suppress these beliefs and acceptances of myself, to cope with and live with these acceptances, and as I began to interact with the world more and begin to set out into my adult life, I made it a point to do my best to fit in and be like 'regular' people - but always within me was the knowing that I am not in fact like others - that I am pretending and wanting to be accepted as normal - even though inside me would be a persistent nagging and doubt because I was still suppressing my accepted nature of being weak, being incomplete, being afraid of having to be in this world and fend for myself but more than anything else being afraid to admit that and communicate that.
This blockage of communication has been a prominent point in my life - where I had constantly suppressed myself in fear that others may see how I actually am, and how far my actual experience of myself is when compared to the image and presentation that I want others to see me as - and within this I see how often I isolate myself and seclude myself, still holding on to my acceptances and beliefs of myself and fearing to be exposed - so I would always hold myself back - would always prefer to be in the background - but in my mind would always fantasize about being at the forefront - being the lead - finally standing up strong and proud and confident. So on the one hand I would be afraid of becoming that point because it meant that I would need to really stand and no longer be afraid of myself or of others seeing me, but on the other I very much wanted position because of the extent to which I would suppress myself, not share myself, and seclude and isolate and segregate myself from others and would only develop certain kinds of friendships where I would be able to experience that point of acceptance and prominence but would not be questioned or judged for my weaknesses and fears, and I would push away those opportunities to speak, to share, to communicate, to develop intimacy with myself through that very point of communication and cross referencing.
During my absence of writing this point became highlighted quite nicely and it is this point that I will be focusing on as I return to my writing process, wherein the next posts will be a point of self-sharing and communication on who I am within sharing/communication and how this relates to my relationship to myself and how this has influenced my life in prominent ways that I am sure many can relate to or may be working through/with now.
So here, I commit myself to again re-establish writing as a point of self-intimacy and self-contact, to through writing and placing my words in a structured and supportive manner without judgment or holding back, be able to build intimacy, as into-me-i-see - so that I can stop hiding myself, fearing myself, trying to suppress myself because I have believed that I cannot change or control me or who/what I have become - when in fact what has been missing is self-intimacy and self-communication, in understanding how I have developed me over the years instead of judging my life based on energy and opinions that formed as a result of not understanding how the quantum mind works and how who we are as humans have not actually lived in a practical understanding of our own mechanics or the technology of practical change.
I commit myself to here reconnect myself and allow myself to look at my life and the patterns that have brought me to who and what I have become at this moment without fear or judgment so that instead of judging myself and trying to suppress and control something that I do not understand, rather develop intimacy and actual understanding so that I can REALLY change instead of simply going from one coping/hiding/suppression mechanism to another.