Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Day 129 - Writing and the White Wall of Blankness

Often times I have sat here in front of my computer and there would come this point of "I have said all there is to say" and I would not want to write anything - I would be staring for a while at the blank screen in front of me and that blankness would in a way reflect back how I experience myself - just BLANK - like there is nothing there, nothing to say, nothing to speak or write about - I'm just BLANK!

And often times I do just 'let it slide' - like "yeah, that seems right. I'm blank right now. Nothing to see or write about here. Totally blank here. Yup."

And it's soooo tempting to go into this especially when I get home and the first thing "on my mind" is that I require to remain consistent with my writing - and of course that resistance kicks in and "suddenly" my back hurts, I feel tired and drained from my "long, stressful day" and there is so much I need to do and figure out, and so many more important things that I need to spend my time on - like why the world is so messed up, and how to solve world poverty and end hunger for all - and on top of that I have all this crap I need to deal with like bills and paying rent and my job and oh my I really should just rest, call it a night, and hit the grind again tomorrow.

Yes it is so very very tempting to just see the blankness and experience that point of being 'blank' within me and to not question it - to not investigate it - to simply 'let it slide' and say to myself that there really isn't anything to write out or look at right now - that I really am just blank - and thus best to move on and at least do something else instead of staring at this blank screen.

But this of course is NOT THE CASE - because whenever this point of blankness comes up, I am intimately aware that this simply CANNOT be my actual presence/beingness/experience of myself - because I have had a full day of thoughts, reactions, judgments, and all kinds of business and activity within myself in the course of my 'average day' and within such a day there are many points that I would have faced, many decisions that would have come up within me that I would either direct, go into a reaction toward, or suppress within me.

It is interesting because I find that the more I allow myself to gloss over and just accept this idea that I am just blank and nothing wants to come out and that I am just wasting time staring at the screen - the more I find it more difficult to be self-honest with myself in seeing that this is actually self-manipulation and the more I allow myself to participate in this pattern and not investigate it - the harder it becomes to actually push through - and the more I tend to accumulate within me the next day - as well as the day after that - and the day after that - and the day after that - until I get to a point of getting very easily agitated at work or I find myself snapping externally toward others verbally or brooding internally with backchat - and of course this just makes the whole "stress" experience that much more convincing.

What is funny is that just before the moment where I move myself to physically sit before my computer and I bring up my word processing program and place my fingers on the keyboard, there is a very brief 'flash' experience of all the things that I could write on - all the things that I could open up and look at and investigate - and then just as quickly comes the "BLANK" - like an actual white wall that comes up within me as though just behind my eyes a giant white sheet has been draped across my entire internal being and as I turn my focus within myself to have a look, all I see is this giant white sheet. And just behind this sheet I KNOW there is a lot of stuff going on - nasty, shameful stuff that I don't really want to get into - because if I do then I would have to DO SOMETHING about what I see - but if I can just pretend to accept this blankness - and accept the idea that this pristine and tranquil white sheet is reflecting my actual inner experience, then I can just say "Okay, nothing to see here. All is fine. Carry on".

And of course the moment I allow myself to move on and NOT push myself through this point, all of the backchat, the stress, the frustration, the emotional instability returns and the rest of the evening becomes a point of managing the 'stress' and 'frustration' that I had accumulated - by suppressing it all with food, entertainment, and sleep.

While I have kept this writing 'lite' it is not to take this point lightly - because I am seeing how such a pattern, when allowed in a prolonged period of time, actually becomes a routine pattern that is NOT cool - because one is then NOT developing a relationship of self-intimacy and self-support within writing - and as also reinforcing the self-manipulation as well as continuing to accumulate more stress and backchat that eventually becomes a possession - where all of that 'shady' activity behind the great white sheet goes unchecked for too long and spills over into one's daily life - and can lead to unnecessary conflict in one's environment, one's health, and one's relationships and general stability in this world.

Thus - this is the point that I will be writing on in the next posts to follow - this experience that I am sure many of us face when it comes to writing and facing that great white wall of resistance - when we KNOW that just behind that wall is a torrent of stuff that we have allowed to accumulate - and we know that in peering THROUGH this facade of 'blankness' we're going to see all kinds of strange, embarrassing, or painful stuff - but because we are already 'tired' and 'drained' and developed a point of hesitation and procrastination within self-writing - we accept this white wall of resistance and turn away.

What will follow will be more expansion on this point and what is actually going on behind that white sheet of ignorance.

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