Tonight's blog is a continuation of the following blog -
Day 126 - Walking Gently Instead of Racing at Unstable Speed Through Memory Lane
My initial "plan" with the following blogs was to go into the specific memories and events of my childhood which I see have been points of significant influence in terms of the way that I would internalize those specific events and periods and how I would utilize those moments in my life as a kind of palette with which to create and paint the various characters and personalities that I would become.
While I do see that an investigation in such memories and events would be a great point of self support in releasing myself of the patterns that I am still accepting and allowing myself to participate in, I also see my tendency of dwelling on and focusing on and lingering on the past - and getting to points of clarity and realization - but not actually bringing that clarity HERE to a practical point of change.
So an adjustment is made starting with this blog - wherein instead of going into the experiences and memories and remaining THERE in the past and in a way justifying the patterns that I am now participating in and accepting/allowing to continue by pointing to those moments of my past and saying "Look! That's why I'm all fucked up. That's why my life has been so shitty!" instead of actually supporting myself to CHANGE and take responsibility within realizing that if I am serious about changing my life and living my life to the best of my ability and to my fullest potential and expression, then I can't just leave myself dwelling on my past - I have to WALK THROUGH IT - meaning not just write and investigate and apply self-forgiveness and then sit back and resign myself simply in the knowledge of how I got here, but to actually STOP participating and start building a new foundation for myself.
A tendency of mine has also been to focus extensively on my failures and shortcomings to such a degree that I overlook or will even completely discount and dismiss the changes that I have already made of and as myself since I began this process - and just because I run into a point where I am not clear, where I am struggling, where I have not yet reached a point of intimate understanding in terms of how a particular pattern or point of conflict within myself came to be, I go into the reaction of believing that everything that I had done up to this point has been 'for nothing' and thus nothing of what I have walked, nothing of what I have actually worked through, nothing of the actual changing that I have done- which is a really awesome way to make sure that I don't actually learn from my mistakes or develop any self-trust in my own ability to change.
Thus as I walk this point of my childhood memories and specific events in my youth where there were significant events that made an impact on me and the person that I would become, I will be keeping it very straightforward and simple - simply look at the point, what was involved, clear my perspective and apply the self-corrective applications in the most realistic and practical way I see, so as to not linger on the past or go into nostalgia which I see I have a fondness of doing and thus getting myself lost in the experiences instead of looking specifically at the solutions.
The first point that I will be taking on is the realization that I have been very hard on myself and have carried within me much self-judgment over the fact that I have not developed in a "normal way" in terms of the kinds of childhood experiences and relationship dynamics that I see other children having - understanding that nobody really has a "normal" childhood - but here I am speaking specifically about the development of communication, emotional intelligence, and social interaction skills that enable children to develop effective personalities and relationship skills that will assist in 'fitting in' and developing an understanding of relationships, communication, and social interaction - whereas I can see how my development in those specific areas were in a way underdeveloped as I instead internalized and focused more on isolation, self-defense, and at an early age repeatedly conditioned myself to be a "loner" and keep my social interactions at a superficial level.
In the next post I will go into a bit more detail on this point and will keep it quite direct and simple as I take the point on in smaller, specific portions and apply simple, specific self-forgiveness and correction.