Here is a continuation from my previous post in which I outlined the following :
Day 127 - Family and Obligation VS Life and Self-Honesty
In my next post I will be walking the specific memories and events of this time in my life specifically in looking at how I have formed such a relationship of suppression and isolation with myself - so that I can really understand how it all came to be, so that I can FOR REAL change who I am - and ensure that the relationships that I now create are no longer superficial, but are platforms of support and expression and intimacy.
I commit myself to, within writing as a support platform, begin to accumulate and develop the point of sharing and communication starting with myself - to start accumulating self-intimacy instead of self-suppression.
I commit myself to, within writing myself to clarity and opening up the points that are revealed in this way, to LIVE and apply self-forgiveness so that my realizations do not remain mental epiphanies that eventually become only ideas and fantasies - but rather to truly care for myself and STOP living in the diminishing and abusive contexts of the mind, holding on to and defining myself within experiences of the past that have left a 'mark' on me during my developmental years - to rather bring those points out through writing, self-forgiveness, and most importantly self-corrective application as I now begin to redefine my relationship with myself, and my relationship to others in my world.
A point of much anxiety and fear that I have carried for many years has been my tendency to shy away from social interaction and communication, and to rely on personalities and characters that I would create and present myself as so that I would be able to have a somewhat functional 'life' within the current system, where I would be able to fit in and not be so evidently seen as the 'weirdo' or the 'misfit' even though that was exactly how I would experience myself.
This has stemmed from a childhood in which I would constantly and consistently subordinate myself to my mother – initially out of fear of pain and punishment and verbal abuse, but later in life that acceptance of subordination and suppression became my 'essence' so to speak – where the relationship was actually one of constant emotional instability where I would have to remain silent, and 'take it' because I believed that it was the 'right thing' to do, and that it was what society and the world expected of me as my duty as a 'son'.
While most of the children my age were socializing with other kids, learning things in school, and developing their future personalities and skills, I was usually quite withheld, isolated, and fearful of approaching or interacting with others, having assumed that others would be as unstable and unpredictable as my mother, and that it would be best that I kept to myself, since I already had enough trouble keeping myself stable with the many layers of anger and suppression that I had accumulated within me. My experience as a child growing up was different from those around me in that I did not learn or develop the same learning skills in school – often I would be taken out of school and would spend a few months in Taiwan where I would mostly just be by myself, entertaining myself – where I developed a kind of comfort and familiarity with being alone and not having to socialize with others – and the most prominent interaction that I would have – or at least the one that seemed to have the most influence on me, was my relationship with my mother – which would at that time in my life always be a point of her becoming angry or frustrated and would project and express that to/toward me, which I always resented and hated her for, but would always swallow and try to contain within me because the more I would react and the more I would try to talk back, the worse it would get.
So over the years I didn't develop certain social skills, or certain understandings that come with growing up in a social context – things such as the rules of certain sports that would be played by children my age in school – I would not understand and would just refrain from, rather keeping to myself, and would be picked on or derided by others when I would have to participate in a sport and would make some mistake or do something 'wrong' because I did not actually know how the sport was played, and would simply put up with the teasing until the game was over and I would be able to slink away into my isolation.
The point though in looking at all of this now is not to reminisce or go into nostalgia or try to frame these experiences as being in any way actually valid – but to lay out the context of my responsibility to myself in understanding my history, and the decisions and acceptances that I have lived with.
As much as I want to keep blaming my past, my mother, my childhood for how I 'turned out' and for the issues and conflicts that I struggle with now, the point of CHANGE is and forever remains my own responsibility – and the longer I take to dwell within nostalgia or feeling sorry for myself or the life that I have 'missed out on' – the more I am only reinforcing and living the same patterns, and the same isolation and fear.
Tonight's self-forgiveness and self-corrective application will be more simple and direct than I have done before – and the first point that I take on is my responsibility within changing myself, and being change.
Self-Forgiveness – Memories of “me” as isolated, weird, misfit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on memories and experiences of me during my childhood in which I was picked on by others for being socially awkward or for simply not fitting in or understanding how things work in specific social contexts, understanding that those moments and experiences are not personal but rather are imprints of memory and experience that I lived through but did not fully comprehend, and in that not understanding the full dimensions of what was actually going on, created layers of emotional reactions and doubt within me that stayed with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider that the other kids who would tease me or make remarks about me for being awkward were not in any way actually about me, but that they were repeating and expressing what they had been conditioned to judge and perceive as 'weak' and 'awkward' due to the parenting and the social values that each human in this world in born into, specific to the culture, the family, and the social standing of that being – and that none of this is actually in itself valid because these are all simply learned behaviors that become our personality – and whatever those other kids saw within me or remarked about me was in the context of their programming and understanding at the time – which means that their remarks in no way accurately describes or pertains to me as an actual being, or takes into any account the life or experiences or programming that I had experienced and had been brought up within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being awkward and believing that there is something wrong with me because the other children seemed to have similar skills and were okay with social interactions whereas I was afraid and more isolated, NOT taking into consideration the events of my upbringing and my physical as well as psychological isolation away from other children in social learning contexts, and because of this to simply assume that because other children had developed such skills and seemed to understand their place in school and in general social interactions better, that there was simply something 'wrong' with me, instead of seeing and considering that these children grew up in circumstances different from me, and developed their personalities differently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that I did not fit in or understand certain social situations and to judge myself for not understanding and thus accepting that I was simply different, and that there was something 'wrong' with that because I was supposed to be like the other kids – social, confident, expressive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child then believe that being social, confident, and expressive were special qualities, and in my separation from those qualities created a judgment towards them, making those qualities 'bad' and 'punishable' and that children who thus overly exuded those qualities were 'bad kids' because they were not 'well behaved'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop jealousy over others who are socially comfortable with interacting, and exude a kind of comfort and confidence within themselves, believing that such qualities cannot possibly be real or 'natural' and therefore they should not be getting the attention that I myself actually wanted, but would not know how to attain.
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reflecting on my childhood and wanting to blame my past or go into a point of victimization over how I 'turned out', instead look at the actual time-line of events and instead of judging and comparing, rather see the consequential effects of my childhood and the various concepts and beliefs that I held and accepted within me – to bring the point of change back to ME here in this moment, instead of going into nostalgia and blame.
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself jealous and comparing myself to others who have qualities and skills that I want to have, rather stop and consider the time-line and circumstances of their life and what they had to walk to be/become/accumulate who they are, and understand that I am looking at/perceiving the result of that accumulation, so it is not to take it personally that I don't already have that same skill/ability – but to rather see how I can begin to accumulate that skill/ability for myself.
Self-Forgiveness Relationship with Mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my duty and responsibility to abide by, serve, and be subordinate to my mother no matter what, and to never question or challenge her in her decisions simply because this is what I was taught and what was repeatedly impulsed throughout my childhood, which became part of my 'root programming' in terms of how I would make decisions and the nature of the relationship with my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my responsibility to bear the consequences of my mother's decisions and to always support her and provide for her and to take responsibility for her even though this would require that I diminish and compromise myself and my own life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider that in allowing myself to remain subordinate to my mother and to allow for an abusive and exploitative relationship dynamic to continue, I diminish and compromise not only myself and my mother, but also compromise the life that I am living and all of the other lives that are affected by my decisions in terms of what I accept and allow – meaning the consequences of me continuing to allow diminishing myself and compromising myself affect also the lives of those whom I could have assisted or supported in realizing themselves as well as compromises my own responsibility within self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to see until now that to remain diminished and compromising myself repeatedly out of a sense of duty to my family when this obligation only leads to further dependency and compromise is actually self-interest and fear and is NOT taking into account that which is best for all, and how I am allowing for this parasitical relationship to exist within me as well as within others as long as I continue to participate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider that obligations to family that are not in alignment with what is best for all is actually abusive, and to allow that abuse to continue makes me complicit in further perpetuating that abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in the opinions and views of others – namely the preprogramming of my family, my culture, my society, and the conventional thinking/reasoning of people when it comes to obligations and what it means to be part of a “family” and to not see the bigger picture of how greatly this diminishes one's scope and actual awareness of responsibility – which extends far beyond one's own family and is part of the interrelated nature of each and every part of life that is here.
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself compromising myself and allowing myself to constantly fight for and defend and provide for my 'family' when doing so requires that I remain diminished and to continually make decisions that serve only the 'family' and not what is best for all, to stop and direct myself within no longer participating in such relationships and agreements – and to in the most practical and effective way possible, remove those relationships and agreements from my life that are not aligned with what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it would be safe to return 'home' and that my family would support me in expanding myself and changing myself when in actuality the dynamics of my family are not conducive to such change and expansion, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to save/convert/support them while disregarding my own responsibility to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I cannot change my family and I cannot simply wait until they decide to change – nor can I force them to make a decision that they themselves have not fully considered for themselves, and thus when it is clear that they will not walk one and equal with me in expanding and changing and living a life that is best for all, then it is my responsibility to ensure I do not diminish myself in accepting them or condoning by my inaction their acceptance of limitation.
I commit myself to stop waiting for approval from my family to change and take responsibility for me, even if it means that I must leave them and allow them to see and face for themselves their points of accumulated consequence, realizing that this is not personal and that my leaving them does not mean it is vengeance or me being vindictive or unsympathetic to them, but rather that the example that I would set in allowing abuse and exploitation and limitation in myself or in them would not in any way support myself or my family in expanding and taking responsibility for our lives, and thus intervention and movement within self-direction is required.
I commit myself to, when and as I see and notice myself diminishing myself or not moving myself within my responsibilities, stop and ensure that I am not holding on to ideas of trying to change my family, or believing that I owe them or are responsible for their consequences, and to also STOP using them as an excuse to remain diminished and compromised and hide my own fears and resistances behind the excuse of them not changing themselves. I bring the point back to me and simply see that when there is no change and no responsibility being taken and that my presence is not in fact supporting myself or anyone else, then my responsibility is to move on and ensure I do not remain a participant in that limitation.
I commit myself to live and realize as myself the understanding that to be the best possible example of life standing up for change can and will require that I do what normally would be considered 'bad' or 'wrong' according to the current system that protects and breeds limitation and diminishment within relationships – and thus it is sometimes required to stand as the point of change even when it causes pain, discomfort, or conflict within those around me – because to do less would be to accept them in their limitations and beliefs, and would in essence deny them the opportunity to see the example of change and responsibility that they actually need, but do not ask for and fear to otherwise face.