Thursday, February 21, 2013

Day 128 - We Don't Need to Wait for Change and Direction

A recurring point that is quite evident in my posts in this blog is this general theme of waiting and self-doubt, where throughout my life I have so often relegated my decision making and self-movement over to others who I believed knew better, and would look out for my best interest, and how throughout my developmental years I would always have this point of fear in terms of making my own decisions and taking responsibility for myself.

In having written a few posts on this issue and seeing its roots from my childhood experiences and memories and how I took personally certain events and experiences from my upbringing, I am seeing now how I have been writing on this issue but not actually moving myself within my writing to a point of practical solution and change.

A fascinating loop has been occurring in my life where I see that I am allowing myself to react to and thus be directed by memories and experiences from my past - where I am still allowing those energies and memories to influence my stand and my directive authority - meaning I am ALLOWING myself to be swayed by these experiences and reactions instead of realizing in one moment and in one breath - that I AM THE ONE WHO DECIDES.

So for a while now the pattern has been to face such points of reaction, allow the point to influence me, suppress the point, get angry about it, carry on with the rest of my day but never really HERE because I am still running the point over and over in my mind, get home and wonder why I am tired and frustrated and why things don't seem to be changing, and then eventually work up the point of self-movement to write the point out - but at this point the window for actually CHANGING the point has already passed and I am writing out and applying self-forgiveness on points that have already passed - which isn't a bad or wrong thing to do - but when one is writing the same points and applying the same self-forgiveness on the same patterns for a prolonged period of time, it is clear to see that there is something missing in one's application.

When this happens one can see the overall pattern, identify and flag the points that cause one to go into such reactions - for example if it is with a particular being in one's life or if it has to do with decisions or responsibilities that one has yet to walk through. Perhaps it is a phone call that one has been needing to make for a very long time but oh so conveniently things just keep "coming up" and one gets so "busy" with all that "other stuff" - of course that unpleasant/inconvenient phone call would just have to wait. These are the points that can be the most difficult to work through - because we DON'T want to work through them even though we see in self-honesty that we require to.
But something fascinating happens when we DO walk through those points in the moment - and for some this moment may not come without first having written out the point, applied self-forgiveness, and/or faced the point repeatedly and had failed repeatedly to simply WALK THROUGH IT - but eventually the moment comes when we are ready - when we see clearly what is required to be done because we are sick and tired of the same pattern, the same loop, draining ourselves and keeping ourselves befuddled in a seemingly endless repeating rut. And once we see clearly and can really be self-honest with ourselves the consequences that will ensue if we continue to postpone our actual facing of the point, the opportunity is here again to WALK THROUGH IT - and once we do we see that we are not angry with ourselves anymore - and the things that used to just set us off don't bother us anymore - and we don't feel as tired and drained throughout the day while we bounce around in our minds instead of breathing and being HERE, moving, living, directing our lives.

That moment of opportunity is NEVER lost - because it is a simple movement and a decision within self. That moment of opportunity where we take that breath, realize what we require to do, see in detail and self-honesty the consequences of NOT doing it, and in that moment walking through the excuses and fears and hesitations and future projections - is, has always been, and always will be simply one breath away because we only lose sight of this - we only lose touch with this moment - when we are in our minds reacting, thinking, backchatting, plotting, re-plotting, and then re-plotting the re-replotting - we are in those moments NOT breathing, not HERE, and thus our point of direction and authority is being given to the mind, and I assure you the mind is terrible at making practical and supportive decisions - because those are the decisions that make us whole - those are the decisions that remove the need for doubt and fear and all that mental activity that we have become so addicted to - because when we see what is best for all and we are clear that we stand within a point of self-honesty in what we see we require to do in directing a particular responsibility, task, or relationship, and we move ourselves in that moment - we align ourselves with a decision - a directive - that stands and becomes a pillar of strength and integrity that remains with us - while the mind always diminishes and it's tantrums are always fleeting and can only be kept alive if we allow it to live through us in those moments of uncertainty - those moments where we lose touch with breath.

Thus, I commit myself to MOVE and to stop myself when and as I see I am accessing my mind and trying to figure things out, or when and as I see I am allowing myself to be influenced by my reactions towards a person or towards a task - because there is nobody in here but ME and thus if I am experiencing it, then it must be ME who is allowing it.

I commit myself to, within seeing that I am struggling with a point or not clear about a decision, to SEEK SUPPORT utilizing self-writing, self-forgiveness, and if the point is still not clear or I continually experience conflict/friction/reaction to or towards a person or event in my life, I communicate the point with those who are walking this process of self-honesty and change and ensure that I do NOT stay within my mind but rather bring the point to a practical cross reference.
We do NOT have to keep living in a 'rut' where we feel like we are perpetually stuck in our situation. If you are able to read these words and this blog now, then you are among the fortunate in this world who have an opportunity to CHANGE and within that be a point of support for those who are not yet ready, or for those who do not yet have what you have access to. Remaining in a 'rut' when we can see clearly our potential and responsibility in this world is NOT acceptable especially when there are beings in this world ready and willing to assist and ensure we do not get lost in our minds - and these are the beings who walk with us at Desteni.